How much does it cost to make Edward Cullen sparkle?

November 19, 2008 at 3:31 am (movies) (, , , , , )


The Twilight movie is coming out in a couple of days for you Americans, so I guess it’s time to do another post. To celebrate, or whatever. I’ve been taking a look at what director Catherine Hardwicke has been saying about the budget. Basically, she’s been doing more than her fair share of whinging about how low it is. Anyway, I figured it would be an interesting little exercise to see if she was right, and might help with budgetary issues when I have to make short films for Media next year. Yaaaaaay, education!


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Reacting to the final Twilight trailer.

October 22, 2008 at 1:28 pm (movies) (, , , )

So, here’s what I thought of/during the final Twilight trailer, which is the movie of the hugely-popular-amongst-teenage-girls book series that intrests me through an odd mixture of so-bad-it’s-good and bile fascination. I do genuinely like several of the secondary characters, but then, my standards for liking a character are pretty damn low. If you want to know what it’s about, watch the trailer, it gives a pretty good idea. It doesn’t mention that her new vampire boyfriend sparkles, though, or that before they were together he was stalking her, or that due to her weirdly floral smelling blood, every second he was near her he was desperately tempted to eat her making his stalking even worse, or that when he kisses her she faints or that the other time he kissed her, her heart literally skipped a beat. No joke. Anyway, here we go.


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Twilight parodies! Whee!

September 19, 2008 at 3:24 pm (misc.) (, , , , , )


 If you have no idea what Twilight is, you can look it up on Wikipedia or go to the post right before this one.

Ahem. These are both based on the excerpt of New Moon [haven’t read the book] that was at the back of Twilight. Bella had a nightmare where she was old and Edward was young, Bella was miserable because now she was18 and Edward was 104 17, Bella went to the Cullen’s house for her fantabulous Alice-prepared party and was an ungrateful little turd [heeee] about it, Bella got a paper cut and Jasper was unable to restrain himself and tried to attack her only to be stopped by Edward who also threw her out of the way into a bunch of crystal plates so she got even more cut up, like nice work, perfect boy. Now, parodies.


Okay, so the first one here is based on the “what if?” thought that Rosalie saw her opportunity to get rid of a problem and took it.


Rosalie: Wow, Edward, I am so sorry that I ran past you and Jasper and ate Bella. I know, I thought I had better control too. It’s very upsetting, I really got to like her in the eight seconds since I’d thought about my seething hatred. Oh, and you were right by the way, she does taste excellent. Like a tender cut of prime rump, with some sort of delicious sauce – it was a little disconcerting that she still smelled of freesia, like I was eating flowers made of meat.

*licks finger as Edward sobs*

Mmm… disconcerting but delectable.

*wiggling her bloody digits under Edward’s nose*

Maybe you could have a taste, so the deliciousness could cheer you up. Come on, please don’t be like that. It’s not like it can make her any deader, so no harm done. Alright, you have it your way Mr Sulky. Huh, look, there’s a bright side – we won’t have to worry about the bloodstains, not with Jasper there sucking them all out of the carpet. Isn’t that nice, Edward? You won’t have to look at the remains of your pathetic human girlfriend every day? You should make sure you thank Jasper for that. Oh, hello Esme. Um, I’ve been trying to comfort Edward but he just won’t stop making sobbing sounds, it’s very annoying. Could you take over? Thanks, I need to go immortalize this day in my diary, maybe have hot “I just snacked on my brother’s girlfriend,” sex with Emmett… I hear that’s the best kind.




This one is supposed to be the conversation she and Edward had on the drive to his house. And I really don’t have anything against old people, don’t take their views as my own or come after me with wiffle-ball bats, ‘kay?


Bella: Oh Edward, I had the most horrible nightmare.

Edward: Mmm?

Bella: I was there, and you were there, and I was OLD! I had white hair! And wrinkles! And a stoop!

Edward: Well, that’s a long time away…

Bella: That’s what they want you to think! I woke up and looked in the mirror, and I had all these big age spots. It was awful!

Edward: Uh, I didn’t want to tell you, but those are pimples, sweetheart. They’re… enourmous.

Bella: *ignoring him*…And I was thinking, you don’t have any age spots and you’re never going to get any! We’ll be like TomKat magnified! Of course, I don’t mind the micromanaging and possessiveness, but the age difference is so gross!

Edward: Thaaanks.

Bella: But you don’t look it! No one scratches their eyes out when we make out in public!

Edward: We don’t make out. Ever. You faint or attack me when I peck you, if we tried making out we’d get four seconds in before you stab me with a kitchen knife and go into cardiac arrest.

Bella: It doesn’t matter! How will I feel knowing that you are not just hundreds, but millions of times more beautiful than I am?

Edward: Avoid reflective surfaces?

Bella: Please be serious and help me!
Edward: Well then, do you think you’ll still smell of freesia when you’re old?
Bella: Probably more like knitting and dentures. *sobs*

Edward: What would you say the chances are of me being able to read your mind by then?
Bella: *in “gush” mode* Oh Edward, I’m sure you’ll have figured it out by then, because you’re my brilliant talented perfect angelic godlike superpowered boyfriend.

Edward: That’s sweet, and I’ve solved your problem.
Bella: You have? See, that’s what I mean! You are so brilliant and talented and perfect and angelic and godlike and superpowered!

Edward: Yes, I know. Now, we’ve established that by the time you’re elderly, you’ll have lost your enticing freesia-scented goodness and your resistance to my mind-reading that so arouses my curiousity, and your looks, yes?

Bella: *quietly* Yes…

Edward: Then you won’t have anything to hold my everlasting love any longer! I’ll take right off when you hit forty-five, problem solved!

Bella: *gaping* Yo- you’ll leave?! Can’t you love my personality or something?
Edward: You have a personality?
Bella: I don’t know, just assuming I do, then…

Edward: …Then that “loving someone for what’s on the inside,” stuff will still be falsities made up by ugly people who were probably old themselves. Loving someone for their personality – Bella, I thought you understood that was all nonsense.

Bella: *sighs* You’re right, I was just grasping at straws. Sorry.

Edward: That’s quite all right.

Bella: No, it isn’t all right. I love you because of your dazzling beauty and voice that sounds like honey would if spreads could talk – it’s not fair to expect you to achieve the impossible. When I reach forty-five, you go. I’ve worked out a perfectly viable life plan to deal with the situation.

Edward: Let’s hear it then.

Bella: I’ll simultaneously become a crazy cat lady and go into a zombie-like state. Like someone who throws cats at people and then eats their brains while they’re distracted.



Edward: I say, can’t you turn on the damn darn radio or something?



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Twilight: Hee, heh, haha, now let’s get all intellectual and shit.

September 15, 2008 at 2:48 pm (misc.) (, , , , , , )

Yeah, I know, it’s a really weird title.


So there’s this book series called Twilight that is touted as the next Harry Potter. Which is kind of true, now that HP’s done, these are the immensely popular fantasy books, although their audience is mostly female and they aren’t nearly as popular with the geek crowd.


For people who don’t know much about it, there’s this girl called Bella Swan [yes, author Stephanie Meyer did just call her main character Beautiful Swan, snerk] who moves to a rainy little town to live with her estranged father. There, she finds everything totally boring and subpar except for a ridiculously attractive boy called Edward and on a lesser level, his ridiculously attractive family. Who all turn out to be vampires, because apart from giving them heaps of superpowers, vamping makes someone amazingly beautiful – where can I sign up for this? Of course, they’re good vampires who feed only on animal blood and glitter like a little girl’s fairy doll – I am not making that up, I swear to god. Anyway, Bella and Edward then engage in Twu Luv 4eva and eva and eva. And also angst about a lot.


Now, for whatever reason, these books have the amazing gift of causing hilarious parodies and really interesting discussion. So, here’s the best stuff I’ve found, in my order of preference.

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