Songs never sung in Smallville.
Lines never said on Smallville. Or while writing Smallville. Whatever. For those of you who have no idea who everyone is, Lex is Clark’s ex-“just friends” and current enemy, Al and Miles are the current showrunners who are leaving after this season because they didn’t get enough money, Darren Swimmer and Brian Peterson are two of the people who are taking over, Clark is young Superman, Chloe is his friend, Jimmy is her loser boyrfriend, and Lois is the local dumbass.
Inspired by this. Which was inspired by this. Which inspired this. There’s a lot of inspiration going on with this thing. I recommend at least watching the second link so you can get a beat for the song.
Miles: They never should have let us write the finale.
Al: DS & BP should never have asked to write the last five minutes.
Miles: You said it. Oh well, we should do our duty and go hand it off to them.
Al: I can’t wait to see them try to squirm their way out of this one.
Miles: Mwahahaha!
______________
DS: Um…
BP: Yeah.
DS: I think we can still save this episode.
BP: Yeah?
DS: Let’s write something that will be make CW history!
BP: Yeah!
DS: No one will even remember the numbingly boring stuff that Al and Miles wrote!
BP: It’s going to be legendary!
DS: I’ll get the pens and paper!
BP: I’ll get the pizza and booze!
__________________
Jimmy: *at computer* Lois, you have to come see this!
Lois: Is it going to get me a Pulitzer? I don’t waste time on non-Pulitzer articles. Better to just try and think up a good headline for the Pulitzer story, whatever it may be.
Jimmy: It has nothing to do with work, just come see it. Seriously.
Lois: Oh, fine, I’ll come look. You owe me for this.
*Jimmy starts a Youtube video, and we see Clark sitting on the couch at the Kent house, looking at the camera*
Clark: Hello there, all interweb users. I’ve never put anything on Youtube before, but I have to get my feelings out. I’ve been repressing this for a long time, and it’s time to be open about it and tell the world.
Chloe: *offscreen* Frankly, I’m just here out of pity.
Clark: I wish I could tell my girlfriend, but she’s catatonic. However, she’s supposedly still aware of what goes on around her, so I suppose at some point someone could take a laptop when they go to visit her and play this for her.
Chloe: Clark, I’d love to do that, but you should probably get to the point soon.
Clark: You see, there’s this person. We used have some good times together. Not anymore, and I’m here, ready to admit that I’m a little upset about that…
*Guitar music begins to play*
Clark: ‘Cause I’m not fucking Lex Luthor!
Chloe: *appears wearing bald cap* He’s not fucking Lex Luthor!
Clark: And it makes me feel so alone.
Clark: I’m not fucking Lex Luthor!
ChloeAsLex: He’s not fucking Lex Luthor!
Clark: I miss the love and the bones.
*Scene changes to the barn with Clark’s back to us*
Clark: *growling voice* No costumes, ‘scope rusty
Chlex: And the loft is tragically dusty
Clark: No kneeling, hay unpeturbed
Chlex: Nothing for the cows to observe
Cows: Mooooo!
*Clark faces us*
Clark: *with emo haircut* I’m not fucking Lex Luthor!
Chlex: He’s not fucking Lex Luthor!
Clark: As he explores my icy palace
Clark: I’m not fucking Lex Luthor!
Chlex: He’s not fucking Lex Luthor!
Clark: Man, he had a biiig phallus
Chlex: Question; do you think this is getting a little TMI?
Clark: We are so far past the point of TMI that I don’t think it matters from here on out. I shall bare my soul!
Chlex: Whatever.
*Cut to BALLS, otherwise known as the Back Alcove of Lex Luthor Surveillance*
Clark: *sobbing through his new emohair and a whole lot of black eyeliner as he watches old footage of Lex*
Hey there Lexy, you’ve made me sad
Remember all the good sex we had
Those days are over, we’ve drifted apart
I wish for once I could have been smart
So I wouldn’t have lost my heart [Chlex: And the mope goes to a whole new level…]
Lois: *barges in* Knock-knock!
Clark and Chlex: Please go back out the door
Lois: Who’s the bald guy and the emo queen?
Chlex: *to Clark* Just KO her and let’s get to the next scene
*Clark flicks Lois in the head*
*Cut to “CoCK,” otherwise known as Lex’s Chamber of Clark Kent. Clark has fifteen facial piecings.*
Clark: I’m not fucking Lex Luthor!
Chlex: He’s not fucking Lex Luthor!
Clark: *stroking Chlex’s bald cap*
Sometimes for luck I’d do this.
Clark: I’m not fucking Lex Luthor!
Chlex: He’s not fucking Lex Luthor!
Clark: How can I live without that bliss?
*Cut to the asylum*
Clark: *wearing a black straightjacket*
Empty bed, open door
Threw out that rug by the door
Chlex: *On the other side of a glass wall, a la Shattered*
No fucking here, no fucking there
Clark: There’s no fucking anywhere!
Clark: *screaming in torment* I’M NOT FUCKING LEX LUTHOR!
_____________________________
Jimmy: Yeah. I had to watch it 683 times before I could accept that it was true.
Lois: I can’t even believe Clark and Lex were once fuck buddies. I thought Clark was a nice guy, but Lex is evil for Christ’s sake!
Jimmy: It’s pronounced EVOL!
Lois: What?
Jimmy: Never mind.
Lois: Although it certainly explains where Clark’s been for the last few weeks.
Jimmy: Guess singing out his feelings wasn’t such a great idea after all.
Lois: I don’t know about that, he’s already gotten at least twice as many views as the Leave Britney Alone guy.
Jimmy: Yeah, but nobody likes Chris Crocker, they just think he’s pathetic. He’s famous in a bad way, you know?
Lois: Don’t be silly, there’s no bad way to be famous!
Jimmy: Well, you should enjoy your newfound fame as that girl who was flicked in the head in the “I’m not fucking Lex Luthor,” video.
Lois: Hey, yeah! Do you think I could get a book deal?
Jimmy: No.
Lois: Like this. “…I always said Clark had big fingers…”
Jimmy: Lois, somehow you are the only person on earth who always manages to make me feel smart. Thankyou.
Seriously? TV. 