Smallville: Wherein Nutsy The Squirrel gives Alien Farmboy an adventure.

February 10, 2009 at 9:39 am (Uncategorized) (, )

If you can’t tell from the title, this particular Smallville parody is going to be a strange one. Not as strange as the one where Clark mourns his lost love Lex Luthor in a rewritten version of Sarah Silverman’s awesome “I’m Fucking Matt Damon,” song, because there honestly isn’t much in the way of “Smallville parodies,” that could beat that for weirdness unless I started snorting crack before writing these. Although it might surprise some people to learn that I wasn’t already.

 squirrelfacelana1

So, previously on Smallville. Lana made a lot of rodent-like faces and stole the nuts off all her boyfriends, earning her the nickname “Squirrel.” She also wore a lot of pink. Clark and Lana moped about how they were so in love. Lana disappeared. Lex disappeared. Lois fell in love with Clark. Lana reappeared. Lex reappeared. Lana got a skin treatment that gave her superstrength, superspeed, and invunerability like Clark. Clark and Lana kissed. Clark and Lana had bed-breaking superstrength sex. The world gagged. Lana absorbed a bigass Kryptonite bomb made by Lex, in his big grand scheme to make Clark break up with his girlfriend. Yeah, keep dreaming big, Lex. Anyway, Clark decides that this is reason enough to murder Lex, and Lana has to talk him out of it. Lex dies anyway. They go back to the farm, Clark makes himself kiss her one more time, gets to experience the same amount pain from being around Lana that the audience feels, and she leaves. I rejoice and celebrate with a weird parody.

One week after Requiem.

Clark: *dials phone* Hi Lois, it’s me. Would you like to come over and try something? It’s a little kinky.
Lois: You know I’m always open to new… experiences.

Lois: So you’re the superpowered alien pretending to be a Kansas farmboy…
Clark: Right.
Lois: …And I’m Nutsy The Squirrel.
Clark: But not just any squirrel. Nutsy is the kindest, purest, most beautiful squirrel to ever live!
Lois: Riiight. If I’m a rodent in a tree, do I really have to wear all this pink?
Clark: Yes! The pink is essential!
Lois: Alright, but this better be some really hot roleplaying, Kent.
Clark: Trust me, it will be. Could we start?
Lois: *monotone* Oh Alien Farmboy, I’ve just realised you’ve been lying to me again. This makes me angry and confused.
Clark: And angsty. Don’t forget that, angst is the most important part of this roleplay.
Lois: Why are they angsting that they love each other so much?
Clark: Because they are. Please, would you just trust me? Don’t forget to whisper and tear up.
Lois: Kent…
Clark: Alien Farmboy!
Lois:…Alien Farmboy, is crying during sex really such a turn-on for you?
Clark: Sex? Don’t be ridiculous, Nutsy the Squirrel and Alien Farmboy aren’t going to have sex.
Lois: Huh?
Clark: They can’t.
Lois: Huh?
Clark: He would crush her with his superstrength, duh.
Lois: Hmm. So if they don’t go as far as sex, they’ll be okay.
Clark: *earnest* Yep. They can still kiss, when his Secrets! and Lies! aren’t getting in the way.
Lois: Well we have to go further than that. I suppose we could kiss somewhere other than the mouth.
Clark: W-w-what?
Lois: Or even sex would probably be okay so long as it wasn’t in the missionary position.
Clark: There are other positions?
Lois: God, do you have a lot to learn. Tell you what, how about we get on with the roleplay, Alien Farmboy, and I’ll show you?

*Next morning*
Jimmy answers a knock on he door.
Jimmy: Clark?
Clark: I-is C-Chloe here? I need to t-t-talk to her.
Chloe: Clark, wha- oh no.
Jimmy: What?
Chloe: That’s the “Unexperienced guy who slept with Lois” look. Very stunned, very scared, and all innocence lost. You just sit him down on the couch, I’ll go see if there’s any morning-after-Lois whisky left.

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I automatically hate this movie.

August 10, 2008 at 6:27 am (movies) (, )

The Mummy Returns is my favourite guilty pleasure, if I am correct in thinking that watching something to laugh at how bad it is doesn’t count as one. I know most people prefer the first one, which I agree is the better movie, but you know, we’re talking about guilty pleasures here, so as long as it’s not horrible.. So I can get over the misplaced landmarks, ridiculous sunrise, and flimsy-at-best plot in return for some really fun new kinds of monster, the more casual tone, and Alex annoying the hell out of his guard.

 

If you haven’t already guessed this by the title, I will not be going to see the third. Even before reviews came out, there were a few things that tipped me off that this was going to be a suckfest.

 

It was in China. And that means:

No scarab beetles.

No Imotep.

No Ardeth Bay

Or any of the other Medjai.

Booooooo! Hoooooooooooooo!

 

Alex was all grown up. First of all, he’s being played by someone a mere 13 years younger than Brendan Fraser, who did not look 13 in The Mummy. And well, it was a change from something I liked. They’re changing most of the things I liked, which is a huge problem, because guilty pleasures are always on a tightrope, somehow having a charm about them that overcomes their bad quality to the viewer [in this case, me.] They don’t want to do anything that compromises that charm, such as changing all the good parts of the previous movie.

 

They recast Evie. There are cases where the recasts are pretty much okay, mostly in franchises when the recasts are a given [Batman, for example] but otherwise, they’re usually quite jarring – especially if you liked the old actor, as I did –  and are often associated with Jumping The Shark. Furthermore Rachel says she couldn’t be in the third film because she had other films going on, and I guess the studio wasn’t willing to wait. To me that says that they’re in a rush to get the movie out and are willing to take shortcuts to do it.

 

But there’s one thing that’s a big huge flashing neon sign shouting, “Stay away, I suck!” from the rooftops. One thing that made me swear I would never watch this movie, ever.

 

It’s written by Al Gough and Miles Miller, the guys who ran Smallville for seven years.

 

Lets all be thankful they didn’t find a way to put Lana Lang into the movie.

Next up, The House Bunny.

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Clark got hired at the Daily Planet. Time to mock Smallville.

July 9, 2008 at 1:32 pm (Uncategorized) (, , )

I’ve got two more of the parodical Lines Never Said On Smallville. I like these ones a lot, I reckon the first is my favourite ever. They’re based on/inspired by the same two spoilers:

– When Clark returns to Metropolis, he’ll have a big surprise for Lois.

-[TV Guide] reveals what Clark’s surprise is for Lois: He’s taking the job at the Daily Planet, right across from her desk.

So the two skits below are kind of paired together on that, the first one is my cynical reaction and the other one is my idealistic reaction to the spoilers. Of course, since Smallville is such a piece of crap, the first one is much more realistic.

It’s about the constantly lowering standards at the Daily Planet, which was established for a long time to be a fantastic newspaper with the best reporters. It was Chloe’s dream job to work there, and the season that she got hired, it was living up to it’s reputation just fine from what we saw. It started going down a gentle slope in Season 6, and in Season Seven that slope turned into fucking Mount Everest, and from the sounds of those spoilers, Season 8 is determined to somehow sink it further.

Chloe:…And so that’s how you turn on SpellCheck. Couldn’t you have asked Lois this?
Clark: BOOBY NO KNOW*.
Lois: *from the desk across* Yeah, I don’t bother with any of that fancy details stuff. That’s what makes my reports so edgy.
Chloe: *forces a smile* Yes. Of course it is. I’ll see you later, Clark.
Clark: BYE BYE TINY BLONDE.

[Chloe leaves. As she is heading to the elevator, she hears something in a nearby supply closet and opens the door. It’s Kahn*. And booze.]

Kahn: Oh, Sullivan. It’s you.
Chloe: Uh huh.
Kahn: Haven’t seen you around so much.
Chloe: I was fired a several months ago.
Kahn: That’s right, I heard about that… Wait, why are you here then?
Chloe: Visiting a friend. So, what’s happening with you, in here?
Kahn: I was fired too. Hour ago.
Chloe: Oh. I’m really sorry.
Kahn: They’ve been on my back for ages… I didn’t want to hire a horny seventeen-year-old as an editor, I tried to get him to stop playing favourites with all the staff, I made an attempt at getting the Lane girl to follow procedure and stop acting like she’s still at The Inquisitor*… My bosses hated me for all that.
Chloe: Mm. Lois is my cousin, you know.
Kahn: Don’t try to defend her, you know it’s true.
Chloe: I won’t, I was just making the point that after she’s got everything I wanted by doing absolutely nothing, I still have to go home and see her. And act happy, or my bosses will capitalize on their threat of making me insane*.
Kahn: At least you didn’t have to read the reports she turns in. How exactly does one misspell “cat”?
Chloe: She says not using Spellcheck makes her reports edgy.
Kahn: Oh god.
Chloe: Yeah.
Kahn: Now Kent’s been hired too. That’s what they fired me for, I tried to stop it. Remember back when I hired you?
Chloe: Uh-huh.
Kahn: You’d been running your high school paper almost alone for years, gotten into an internship program here, worked towards being a reporter your whole life, right?
Chloe: Right.
Kahn: And it was still very unusual to hire you without a degree, but we had a job interview, you gave me an example of your work. It was sensationalist, but you had plenty of evidence-
Chloe: Wait, so did you know about all the strange things happening in Kansas?
Kahn: I was a top reporter then the editor-in-chief, don’t underestimate my knowledge of events again. Anyway, you had evidence, interviews, it was well written… So I let you in. Two years later, your cousin walks in, yells something about a UFO, and gets hired just like that. No proof, no education, no interview.
Chloe: The editor wanted to get some action from her. Mission successful.
Kahn: Here and now… Just look at them.
[Chloe opens the door a crack. Lois is giving Jimmy a lapdance. Clark is under the impression that his computer has a touchscreen and is poking at the already very splintered glass]
Kahn: How did we reach this stage of things?
Chloe: I have been finding that lately, fortune favours the stupid a little more each day.
Kahn: [snorts] You got that right.
Chloe: I should probably be going…
Clark: COMPOOTAR NO WORKY! ME FIX!
[Chloe and Kahn hear something smash]
Lois: [shouting] I’m off to the Ace of Clubs*! It’s Happy Hour and alcohol always makes me smarter!
Chloe: On the other hand, pass the booze. Alcohol always makes me stupid. Maybe for a few hours, I’ll be fortunate.

*1. This is what is nicknamed Neanderthal Clark, where his stupidity is exaggerated to the point that he acts and speaks much like a caveman.
*2. Kahn appeared as the Editor In Chief at the DP in S5. Although only in one episode, she is remembered for hiring Chloe at the DP and being portrayed by Carrie Fisher, AKA Princess Leia. I got the impression she was smart and good at her job, I needed someone who was very competent and a higher up at the Planet.
*3. The Inquisitor was a tabloid newspaper Lois was hired at when she brought them a story about her almost being hit by a flying barn door and they put it on the front page on the condition she change it to include aliens. Which sums up their standards aptly. Apart from one article for the school paper, this is her only experience in journalism.
*4. Lately, Chloe has become more of a cheerleader for the other characters than an actual person, and has been way too happy with the pieces of trash life has been throwing at her [getting fired from dream job, getting arrested by FBI, douchebag of a boyfriend] She is also a meteor freak, most of those go insane, and she has acknowledged the possibility that this will happen to her. So that’s always a potential storyline. On a side note, going insane happens to be her worst fear. So here I rather unsubtly broke the fourth wall and had her cheerleading-and-trash-accepting-ness be because her “bosses,” AKA the writers, have blackmailed her into it, to explain why her demeanor with Kahn is different than with Clark, Lois and Jimmy.

*5. I am not making this up. Lois really does leave the DP and take her work to a bar instead. She reports they have an epic Happy Hour.

______________________________________________
This one is more wish fulfillment, it’s a way that the spoiler can be true and it’ll still be okay. Of course, it wouldn’t happen if Smallville ran for another million years [NOOOOOOOO!] but I can dream. And yeah, this is pretty much the complete opposite of Clark.

Lois: Hey! What are you doing here?
Clark: I took the job.
Lois: Really? Wow!
Clark: Yeah, I wanted to surprise you.
Lois: You did! This is going to be fun!
Clark: Yes. “Fun.”
Lois: You’ve finally moved up in life! Serving a greater purpose than being some farmboy!
Clark: Yeah, I was only giving the world a food supply.
Lois: Right! Now you’re working at the best newspaper in the country!
Clark: See, that’s why I took the job. I don’t feel it is the best newspaper in the country. Maybe it used to be, it seemed pretty good, even just a couple of years ago. Nowadays, the powers that be are doing anything they can to ruin it. Hiring lunkheads without experience or learning*, encouraging no standard of work. I want to make this place become someone’s dream job again. I want to track down exactly who is at the bottom of all this, and then we can have a little chat. They’re going to be sorry they ever took on this unlearned, inexperienced lunkhead.
Lois: *eyes glazed over* Huh?
Clark: Double surprise, bitch.

* “Lunkheads without experience or learning applies here to both Clark and Lois. Although the lack of educatation particually applies to Lois; she never even graduated high school. I can believe she could still get hired at The Inquisitor, but not one of the top newspapers in the US. And Clark was hired in a conventional manner, which makes me think the other applicants must have all been drug-addicted hobos, Paris Hilton, or submitted a form with a little smiley face fingerpainted on in human blood.

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Songs never sung in Smallville.

May 12, 2008 at 11:11 pm (tv misc) (, , )

Lines never said on Smallville. Or while writing Smallville. Whatever. For those of you who have no idea who everyone is, Lex is Clark’s ex-“just friends” and current enemy, Al and Miles are the current showrunners who are leaving after this season because they didn’t get enough money, Darren Swimmer and Brian Peterson are two of the people who are taking over, Clark is young Superman, Chloe is his friend, Jimmy is her loser boyrfriend, and Lois is the local dumbass.

Inspired by this. Which was inspired by this. Which inspired this. There’s a lot of inspiration going on with this thing. I recommend at least watching the second link so you can get a beat for the song.

*37 minutes into Arctic. Karniac has taken Lex to the Fortress, and they’ve been shouting for Jor-El to talk to them. That’s it.*
Al: Hehe, we told them we would get our revenge.
Miles: They never should have let us write the finale.
Al: DS & BP should never have asked to write the last five minutes.
Miles: You said it. Oh well, we should do our duty and go hand it off to them.
Al: I can’t wait to see them try to squirm their way out of this one.
Miles: Mwahahaha!
______________
DS: Um…
BP: Yeah.
DS: I think we can still save this episode.
BP: Yeah?
DS: Let’s write something that will be make CW history!
BP: Yeah!
DS: No one will even remember the numbingly boring stuff that Al and Miles wrote!
BP: It’s going to be legendary!
DS: I’ll get the pens and paper!
BP: I’ll get the pizza and booze!
__________________

Jimmy: *at computer* Lois, you have to come see this!
Lois: Is it going to get me a Pulitzer? I don’t waste time on non-Pulitzer articles. Better to just try and think up a good headline for the Pulitzer story, whatever it may be.
Jimmy: It has nothing to do with work, just come see it. Seriously.
Lois: Oh, fine, I’ll come look. You owe me for this.
*Jimmy starts a Youtube video, and we see Clark sitting on the couch at the Kent house, looking at the camera*
 

Clark: Hello there, all interweb users. I’ve never put anything on Youtube before, but I have to get my feelings out. I’ve been repressing this for a long time, and it’s time to be open about it and tell the world.
Chloe: *offscreen* Frankly, I’m just here out of pity.
Clark: I wish I could tell my girlfriend, but she’s catatonic. However, she’s supposedly still aware of what goes on around her, so I suppose at some point someone could take a laptop when they go to visit her and play this for her.
Chloe: Clark, I’d love to do that, but you should probably get to the point soon.
Clark: You see, there’s this person. We used have some good times together. Not anymore, and I’m here, ready to admit that I’m a little upset about that…

*Guitar music begins to play*
Clark: ‘Cause I’m not fucking Lex Luthor!
Chloe: *appears wearing bald cap* He’s not fucking Lex Luthor!
Clark: And it makes me feel so alone.

Clark: I’m not fucking Lex Luthor!
ChloeAsLex: He’s not fucking Lex Luthor!
Clark: I miss the love and the bones.

*Scene changes to the barn with Clark’s back to us*

Clark: *growling voice* No costumes, ‘scope rusty
Chlex: And the loft is tragically dusty
Clark: No kneeling, hay unpeturbed
Chlex: Nothing for the cows to observe
Cows: Mooooo!

*Clark faces us*

Clark: *with emo haircut* I’m not fucking Lex Luthor!
Chlex: He’s not fucking Lex Luthor!
Clark: As he explores my icy palace

Clark: I’m not fucking Lex Luthor!
Chlex: He’s not fucking Lex Luthor!
Clark: Man, he had a biiig phallus

Chlex: Question; do you think this is getting a little TMI?
Clark: We are so far past the point of TMI that I don’t think it matters from here on out. I shall bare my soul!
Chlex: Whatever.

*Cut to BALLS, otherwise known as the Back Alcove of Lex Luthor Surveillance*
Clark: *sobbing through his new emohair and a whole lot of  black eyeliner as he watches old footage of Lex*
Hey there Lexy, you’ve made me sad
Remember all the good sex we had
Those days are over, we’ve drifted apart
I wish for once I could have been smart
So I wouldn’t have lost my heart [Chlex: And the mope goes to a whole new level…]

Lois: *barges in* Knock-knock!
Clark and Chlex: Please go back out the door
Lois: Who’s the bald guy and the emo queen?
Chlex: *to Clark* Just KO her and let’s get to the next scene
*Clark flicks Lois in the head*

*Cut to “CoCK,” otherwise known as Lex’s Chamber of Clark Kent. Clark has fifteen facial piecings.*
Clark: I’m not fucking Lex Luthor!
Chlex: He’s not fucking Lex Luthor!
Clark: *stroking Chlex’s bald cap*
Sometimes for luck I’d do this.

Clark: I’m not fucking Lex Luthor!
Chlex: He’s not fucking Lex Luthor!
Clark: How can I live without that bliss?

*Cut to the asylum*
Clark: *wearing a black straightjacket*
Empty bed, open door
Threw out that rug by the door
Chlex: *On the other side of a glass wall, a la Shattered*
No fucking here, no fucking there
Clark: There’s no fucking anywhere!

Clark: *screaming in torment* I’M NOT FUCKING LEX LUTHOR!
_____________________________

Lois: Wow.
Jimmy: Yeah. I had to watch it 683 times before I could accept that it was true.
Lois: I can’t even believe Clark and Lex were once fuck buddies. I thought Clark was a nice guy, but Lex is evil for Christ’s sake!
Jimmy: It’s pronounced EVOL!
Lois: What?
Jimmy: Never mind.
Lois: Although it certainly explains where Clark’s been for the last few weeks.
Jimmy: Guess singing out his feelings wasn’t such a great idea after all.
Lois: I don’t know about that, he’s already gotten at least twice as many views as the Leave Britney Alone guy.
Jimmy: Yeah, but nobody likes Chris Crocker, they just think he’s pathetic. He’s famous in a bad way, you know?
Lois: Don’t be silly, there’s no bad way to be famous!
Jimmy: Well, you should enjoy your newfound fame as that girl who was flicked in the head in the “I’m not fucking Lex Luthor,” video.
Lois: Hey, yeah! Do you think I could get a book deal?
Jimmy: No.
Lois: Like this. “…I always said Clark had big fingers…”
Jimmy: Lois, somehow you are the only person on earth who always manages to make me feel smart. Thankyou.
 

 

 

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Lexson & The Small Whisperer.

April 23, 2008 at 12:53 pm (tv misc) (, )

Hi, folks. About the Smallville skits; you may notice that the characters and plotlines are not consistant. I should have explained this earlier, but basically every skit is a separate parody, so within each skit, the other ones don’t exist. And the characters can change drastically between skits too, because I am exaggerating, teasing out and mocking different aspects of the character in different skits.

 

For example, the first skit in this post comes from Lex’s constant evil genius plots which never seem to lead to anything, in particular his latest one, where he realizes the family crest he sees every day has a constellation in it that he just missed for about 25 years, and promptly decides it must have a secret meaning. Being Smallville, that turned out to be true, but it did get me wondering what else he could dream up, and what would happen if he was wrong in his crazy conspiracy theory. For once. There’s not much else you need to know for this one, just MaybeMercy was a [wicked cool] minion of Lex’s whom some people thought might be Mercy. She was actually killed last episode, but I’d already started writing this and didn’t want to remove her.

 

Lex: I have a brilliant plan!
MaybeMercy: *mutters* Here we go. Uh, why don’t you tell me about this brilliant plan, sir?
Lex: Yesterday I was feeling nostalgic, and looking at the family portrait. Then I spotted a lock of hair in it.
MaybeMercy: Hair?
Lex: Hair.
MaybeMercy: This hair has some significance, sir?
Lex: I believe so. It was black, like my old boyfriend’s hair.
MaybeMercy: If you like black hair, sir, I could dye mine.
Lex: *doesn’t hear her* Are you acquainted with the story of Samson?
MaybeMercy: Yes.
Lex: Samson was a man who lived thousands of years ago, and he had been blessed with great strength.
MaybeMercy: I know.
Lex: He got this strength from his hair.
MaybeMercy: Wow, it sounds kind of ridiculous when you say it out loud.
Lex: When his hair was cut off, he lost his strength and was blinded and captured. By the time they brought him out from captivity, his hair had grown back, and he pushed some pillars over and killed everyone.
MaybeMercy: Lovely man. Are you thinking it’s not just a story?
Lex: I’m beginning to think it’s not just a story. I think it really happened. And I think it’s happening again.
MaybeMercy: Shock horror.
Lex: What if I’m the new Samson?
MaybeMercy: Were you superstrong as a child, before you lost your hair?
Lex: The flow of convenient secret memories that returned after I was shot stopped again after one of my other concussions. I’ve since tried to concuss them back by beating myself over the head with a beanbag, but to no avail.
MaybeMercy: I could try with a whip. I hear they have amazing memory-restoring powers.
Lex: In short, I can’t remember whether I was strong. *pauses* However, I have lost all movement in my ring fingers and I have no idea who my ex-wife was.
MaybeMercy: Believe me sir, that’s an amazing blessing. Anyway, you need to move on, find someone new…
Lex: But I do know someone who has hair.
MaybeMercy: Most people do, sir.
Lex: He has pulled off many miraculous rescues, many of which seemed to require someone of paranormal strength.
MaybeMercy: Wouldn’t this indicate that he’s the new Samson?
Lex: However, he doesn’t have a lock of hair in his family portrait! So I’ve deducted that Clark Kent……
MaybeMercy: Not him again.
Lex:…Must have stolen my hair in the meteor shower and put it on his own head!
MaybeMercy: Whatever you say, sir.
Lex: I’m going to have to get it back!
MaybeMercy: Oh boy. Sir, putting hair powers aside for a minute, there are some unfinished projects I need to ask you about.
Lex: Then I will be superstrong! I’m sorry, did you say something?
MaybeMercy: What are you planning to do with Veritas?
Lex: What’s that?
MaybeMercy: Remember the billionaire astronomy club your parents were in that was waiting for a traveler from another planet. There’s a box in Zurich that contains all it’s secrets, and last week you got your hands on the keys to that box.
Lex: I have no memory of this. Possibly because of the beanbag beating, but no matter, I can’t waste time on ludicrous stories right now, I need that hair. Just scrap that Veritas crap.
MaybeMercy: What about your meteor infected army? Supersoldiers? Cloning? The Kawatche Caves?
Lex: Pah! Those were pointless fancies. Superhair is the future. Now, I’m going to have to find a way to get it back from Clark and onto my head.
*Lex walks off*
MaybeMercy: For crying out loud, how long do I have to wait before he fucks me?*Kent Farm, two days later, 1am*
Clark: *waking up* Urrrrhhh, Lana, what are you doing?
*No answer*
Clark: Wait, Lana’s in a braindead coma…
*He turns on a bedside lamp*
Clark: Lex? What are you doing here?
*The light reveals Lex standing there with an electric shaver and crazy eyes*
Lex: Nothing, nothing at all. Just came by, you know, for old time’s sake.
Clark: *regretful* Lex, we can’t just fuck randomly anymore. We’re mortal enemies. Uh, whose hair is that on the floor?
Lex: It’s – it’s mine! Rightfully mine.
Clark: *feels own head* Holy shit, you shaved my head? Are you crazy? Why the fuck would you shave my hair off?!
Lex: Don’t try to put the innocent act on me, I know your tricks!
Clark: Omigod, how did you get all of this off?
Lex: You’re a surprisingly sound sleeper.
Clark: *rubbing head* B-But there’s just one little tuft left!
Lex: * shaves tuft* Yoink! Now there isn’t! I’m so cunning and EVOL!
Clark: *quietly terrified* If you want the hair, take it. Just get out of here.
*Lex scoops the hair up and into a sealable bag. He leaves and Clark dials the phone*
Clark: It’s Clark. Yeah Lois, I’m sorry to interrupt your late night drinking, but could you put Chloe on? Okay. Hi Chloe. I know what time it is, but could you get over here? Something really scary just happened, I need you and- and I don’t want Lois to see me. Thanks, really, and I’ll explain once you’re over here. But promise not to laugh, okay?

*Luthor mansion, 10am*
MaybeMercy: Le- Mr Luthor? Are you here?
Lex: It took me all night, but I did it!
MaybeMercy: Did what? *sees him* Oh god.
*Lex has glued the clumps of Clark hair to his scalp*
Lex: Once I reattached my rightful hair, I began to recover my superstrength! Look!
*He lifts a dumbbell*
MaybeMercy: *murmurs* Eh, might as well make the best of things. *loudly* That’s amazing, sir. You could test it even further and see if you’re able to lift me and hold me in your arms.
Lex: *does so* Easy!
MaybeMercy: Okay, but could you carry me all the way into the master bedroom, close the door and over to the bed without putting me down once?
Lex: Nothing is impossible for Lexson!
*Lex starts carrying MaybeMercy to the bedroom*
MaybeMercy: Lexson, that sounds nice, you should get a costume. How do you feel about leather and bare-chested?

 

 

 

 

This one’s actually a crossover skit. It also parodies Ghost Whisperer. In fact, most of the parodying is of Ghost Whisperer. Lex isn’t so insane in this one. Whatever, have fun.

 

*Luthor Mansion. There’s a knock on the door*

Lex: Come in.

*A brunette enters the room*

Lex: Who are you?

Woman: *nervous* My name’s Melinda Gordon, I run an antiques shop in a neighboring town, and uh, I need to see you about something. *apologetic* Security just stared at my chest and let me pass.

Lex: I’m a busy man, what do you need to see me about?

Melinda: Your father died recently?

Lex: You could have answered that by reading the front page.

Melinda: What about your assistant, her name was Mercy?

Lex: I prefer to call her a minion, but correct.

Melinda: Right. I have a message for you from them.

Lex: Hurry up then.
Melinda: *hesitant* Well, they’re actually in the room with us and…

Lex: You can see and hear their ghosts?

Melinda: Yes.

Lex: Okay.

Melinda: That’s it?

Lex: What do you want me to say?

Melinda: Normally this is the part where I get kicked out. Don’t you think it sounds too weird to be true?

Lex: Meh. In Smallville, we get much weirder every week.

Melinda: You do? But I like being special!

Lex: I’m sure. Since they’re the reason you came here, can we get back to the ghosts now?

Melinda: Okay. Before I start, be aware that you’re receiving a very special service in that I’m not paraphrasing everything. Because they saw me do this before and Gina told me if I tried that she would drive a railroad spike through my head. *listens* Your father says that although he tried his hardest to raise you well, you’re evil through and through… and um, no power on earth could save your soul.

Lex: Oh great, thanks, Dad. I always appreciate your commentary.

Melinda: And your assistant-

Lex: Minion!

Melinda: Your minion would like to remind you that your father is a cruel and sadistic man. It’s annoying she died before she got with you. *pauses to listen* But she’s all good, because cruel and sadistic men are her type and it turns out ghost sex is…great. Really, really, great.

And the telekinesis makes it a whole new ball game.

Lex: I was quite happy being kept in the dark on that last sentence. *pauses* Are you crying? Why are you-

Melinda: I’m just so EMPATHETIC AND COMPASSIONATE that I always get tears in my eyes during these talks. Because it’s all so VERY TOUCHING to someone as EMPATHETIC AND COMPASSIONATE as me.

Lex: We’re talking about ghost sex and EVOL!ness. How is that touching?
Melinda: You just don’t understand. You must not be EMPATHETIC AND COMPASSIONATE enough.

Lex: I’d expect not. I’m too EVOL!

Melinda: *staring past him* Excuse me a minute. Lionel, Gina, could you two do that in another room? It’s very distracting. And… naked.

*they wait for the ghosts leave the room*
Melinda: Now, there’s one more matter to clear up. Your father said you’d shoved him out a window.
Lex: Damn right. And it felt gooood. Then it felt bad. Then I somehow managed to set my conscience on fire and it felt good again.

Melinda: *shocked* You really murdered your own father?!

Lex: Didn’t you know that already?

Melinda: *starting to cry for real* B-b-but normally the ghosts are just confused and it turns out it was just a horrible accident!

Lex: Nope.

Melinda: A-and the talk w-will be all love and sunshine and the g-ghosts happily go into the l-l-light!

Lex: Your naivety is pathetic yet amusing. Please continue.

Melinda: *absolutely sobbing* Y-y-you’re so m-m-mean! We’re a-all supposed t-to be g-getting warm and f-f-fuzzy feelings right now! I’m g-going to t-t-tell everyone you k-killed your father!

*she runs from the room*

Lex: *yells* Mercy? Ghost Mercy? Could you get in here for a second? I have one last assignment. I think you’ll really enjoy this one.

*That night, Lex is watching the news*

Newscaster:…Earlier today a young woman was killed in a freak accident at a train crossing. Authorities don’t know all the details yet, but apparently she was in her car when something caused a loose railroad spike to be propelled off he tracks. It went in the driver’s window and straight through her head. Since this is the late-night news, we can show these extremely graphic photos of the body. And since we’re openly assholes we can set it to rock music and make it a montage. Cool, huh?

*Pictures of Melinda with spike coming out either side of her head as The Killers play*

Lex: Best. Montage. Ever. Mwahahahahahaha!

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Smallville’s Lois & Lana: The braindead and the braindeadening

April 12, 2008 at 11:31 pm (tv misc) (, , , , )

Hey folks. There was a most delightful episode of Smallville recently. James Masters, because he is awesome, found a way to make Lana’s brain even more dead and facial expression even more blank. Amazing, I know. The best part is that it stuck, so we’ve got some more braindead Lana to laugh at. Then Lois and Jimmy wrangled gardener disguises [and an office plant taller than I am] to ambush Lionel for an interview, and he basically called Lois a dumb shit, and Jimmy silently agreed. I did some parodying dialogue. Any text in bold is quoted dialogue from the show, not anything I’ve written. Oh, and in the first parody I made Brainiac [JM] talk more like Spike, which is why his language is out of character.

ETA: Improved the last one.

 

Clark: You made Lana braindead!
Brainiac: Damn straight. Impressively allegorical, is it not?
Clark: If you wanted Kara you should have taken it up with me, not involved other people. Except her, I guess. I’m confused.
Brainiac: Good lord, mollusc, did you actually think it had anything to do with me wanting Kara?
Clark: Well, yeah…
Brainiac: Nah. Bitch just irritaited me, so I took her out, ‘cause that’s how I roll. Then I felt like some boiled eggs. Not my fault if she’s too dumb to wear oven mitts.
Clark: Yes it is, you made her that way!
Brainiac: Eh, petty details.
Clark: Wait, you can eat?
Brainiac: Yeah, kinda. Guy who built me loved Terminator II, so he ripped it off when making me.
Clark: How did Dax-Ur see Terminator II?
Brainiac: Whenever a Kryptonian would visit earth, they would bring back a bunch of movies and make a fortune pirating them. Except for ET. Wussiest non-human ever. *looks at Clark* Second wussiest.
Clark: *doesn’t get it* Poor ET. So how do you eat again?
Brainiac: I stick my liquid metal sword arm into whatever I want to eat or drink, and it just sucks all the nutrients and tasty stuff out of it. You should see sausages after I’m done with ‘em, man. They’re all shrivelled and tiny and gross, but so nice to eat.
Clark: I know exactly what you mean. Can you unbraindead Lana?
Brainiac: No.
Clark: Okay. Wanna go have some beers?
Brainiac: Only if they’re followed by sausages, mate.
Clark: Sounds excellent, my friend.

 

Clark: You made Lana’s eyes go cloudy!
Brainiac: Uh, yes. Notice anything else off about her?
Clark: She can write without looking down.
Brainiac: Yes, that too. But those are mere side effects of something larger I did.
Clark: Fell in love with her?
Brainiac: *shudders* Definetly not.
Clark: Well, I am kind of paranoid about that after Zod, Bizarro, Lex, Jason, Adam, me, and approximately half of Smallville.
Brainiac: Fair enough. But haven’t you noticed a lack of facial expressions, or a certain zombie-like charm?
Clark: *shrugs* No more than usual.
Brainiac: Come on, mollusc. Isn’t there anything different?
Clark: Well, she hasn’t been passive-aggressively bitching me out as much, and I haven’t had to rescue her for several whole hours.
Brainiac: Amazing.
Clark: So, you made her nicer and more capable?
Brainiac: Apparently.
Clark: Gee, thanks! It seems I misjudged you. Sorry about throwing you through a wall before. I thought you were evil.
Brainiac: Ah, that’s okay. And sorry about trying to bring Zod back a couple of years ago. I thought he wasn’t evil.
Clark: We all make mistakes.
Brainiac: Now, I have an idea on how to restore Krypton, and I need Kara’s help.
Clark: Whatever you need. I’ll just go tell her now. See you later!
*Clark zips off*
Brainiac: Well, that worked out even better than planned.

 

*Six weeks after Brainiac made Lana braindead*
Kara: Clark, do you think Lana’s acting a little weird?
Clark: Well, she’s giving us both the silent treatment, and she seems to be spending a lot of time boiling water.
*They walk past the kitchen, where Lana stands boiling the water, covered in a fine layer of mould*
Clark: You don’t think something’s wrong, do you?

 

Lois: It’s kinda hard to swim after you’ve been shot.
*Jimmy very obviously stares at her boobs and eventually looks back at the computer after she notices*

AA: *Watching at home* They. Left. That. In? THEY LEFT THAT IN?! I don’t care if they have to cut Micheal or Allison, I am so getting a bonus next season.

Lionel: Very resourceful. Did you two actually rent costumes from a costume shop and attempt to use them as disguises?
Lois: *proudly* Yep.
Lionel: Did the decrotive office plant come with them?
Jimmy: Unfortunetly no. Then we tried to get one from work, but we got caught as we were dragging it through advertising. So we had to get one from the nursery 15 blocks away and drag it all the way here.
Lois: And up six flights of stairs since someone is still afraid of elevators.
Jimmy: Well, it wouldn’t fit in there anyway…
Lois: Then we dropped the plant a few times on the staircase, and since it’s one of those spiral ones it just kept going.
Lionel: Really. How long did all of this take?
Lois: Oh, the whole day.
Lionel: Mm-hmmm. How much did it cost, I wonder.
Jimmy: Ummm, give me sec… If we split it, we basically just spent our paychecks.
Lois: But we don’t have to worry about that since we’re not getting any for two months. Lucky, huh?
Lionel: There’s always a bright side.
Lois: Damn right. Lex mistook the attempted plant borrowing as attempted plant stealing so he had to “punish,” us. We sure showed him!
Lionel: I’m glad my son chose a completely legal way to penalize you for your wrongdoing…
Jimmy: Perceived wrongdoing.
Lois: Percieved, attempted wrongdoing.
Lionel:…And I don’t imagine for a second he would simply be using the oppotunity to get free labour from you for two months and then find a reason to fire you anyway. Now, why did you ambush me again?
Lois: You know, I’m sure we had a good reason, but by now I really can’t remember.
Jimmy: Me neither. So, leaving, I guess.
Lionel: Farewell then. *dials mobile* I want you to send flowers to the Swann family, I imagine you saw the article on the front page.
Lois: Wait, that’s it! We came to get you to tell us all about how you ordered Patricia Swann dead! And we needed disguises because you wouldn’t take a press release with me if your life depended on it.
Lionel: What makes you think I’d respond better to an ambush?
Jimmy: This is your chance to tell the truth.
Lois: Before you’re put away for murder.

Lionel: Why would someone put me away for murder on no evidence?
Lois: A confession is evidence!
Lionel: Why would I confess?
Jimmy: This is your chance to tell the truth.
Lois: Before you’re put away for murder.
Lionel: *hiding glee* Did you rehearse this?
Jimmy: No. Definetly not. Never.
Lionel: Alright. Let us pretend for a moment I did order her death. I haven’t been convicted, as far as I know I’m not even a suspect. No sensible person would use this oppotunity to confess when otherwise they would stay out of jail.
Lois: What are you even talking about?
Lionel:…And you haven’t provided an explanation as to why I would respond to an ambush or why you couldn’t ambush me by walking right in like everybody else.
Jimmy: Well, we worked so hard on it…
Lionel: Puppy eyes and a trembling voice will not force a false confession out of me.
Lois: Oookay then. Uh, do you want a free plant?
Lionel: No. My security will lead you out now.
*Three security guards walk in, two lead the dynamic duo out as Lionel beckons one to stay behind for a minute*
Lionel: Before letting them out, say you have to search them. Find a reason to confiscate the hats and the plant receipt. And put a bug on one, I want to listen in on the confrontations with the shopkeepers.
Guard: Yes sir. Why didn’t you have us stop them on the way in, sir?
Lionel: Although I sadly didn’t get to take advantage of the one time your team noticed intruders – even if it was because they took 5 hours getting in with that plant – I didn’t want to miss the entertainments that come out of two riled-up, determined idiots who are obviously addicted to That’s So Raven.
Guard: Ah.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Smallville likes gum. And product placement.

March 16, 2008 at 7:07 am (tv review) (, , )

So, in the latest episode of Smallville [Hero] Clark’s old buddy Pete returned to his hometown and got superpowers. But the whole thing was really just one long commericial for a brand of chewing gum. Anyway, at one point Jimmy was going to interview Pete about his powers, but it didn’t go ahead. Given the extreme amount of product placement in the episode, this is how I imagine the interview would have gone. Enjoy.

Jimmy: Could you describe your power a little?
Pete: Sure man, I can stretch my limbs way out, just like Stride Gum!
Jimmy: Or elastic?
Pete: Or Stride Gum!
Jimmy: Um, okay. How did you get this power?
Pete: I got it by chewing Stride Gum! Stride Gum has such long-lasting flavor, it gives you superpowers!
Jimmy: So does that mean you taste like gum now or something?
Pete: Yeah, I bet I’ve got a long-lasting minty-fresh tang, just like Stride Gum!
Jimmy: Uh huuhhh. What do you plan to do with this power?
Pete: Well, now I can get to the nearest 7-11 three times as fast, so I won’t have to go as long without Stride Gum!
Jimmy: Right. You saved Kara Kent’s life the other night. Why don’t you tell us about that?
Pete: So I’m a roadie for some suck-ass band which somehow was fortunate to get a gig at the old Stride Gum factory. I was enjoying some Stride Gum, when suddenly I saw some equipment coming loose from the ceiling. They should have used Stride Gum to stick it up there. And then I saw there was a hot chick [she probably chews Stride Gum] beneath the falling equipment. So I thought of Stride Gum, and found it within myself to reach out and pull her back from about ten metres away. Stride Gum gave me the power to save her life!
Jimmy: That’s it, I’m done. The first meteor freak who’s willing to be interviewed, and he turns the whole damn thing into a pimpfest for some crappy gum.
Pete: Hey-
Jimmy: I just can’t take this shit. Fuck you, fuck this, and most of all, fuck Stride Gum. God, I need a drink.
Pete: Can you call me Strideman in the article?
Jimmy: NO!

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Smallville Knockouts! And other stats.

December 4, 2007 at 3:38 am (tv misc) ()

Not a review, but to start off I found this web page which has all these lists of Smallville things. Like, it lists everytime someone’s been knocked out, and how. It lists all the time’s one of the main characters has broken the law.  It lists how many times everyone’s died. Smallville tends to come up a bit short in the creativity and originality departments, so it’s rather entertaining to see it all written down. Some of the best bits:Lex is the king of knockouts, being knocked out 42 times so  far. Four of them were via Clark, twice via Chloe [and she was unarmed both times, hee], once via Lana and once via his own evil twin. Four more times were all in the same episode.

Lana is the queen of KO, coming in at 39.5 times. Only twice via Clark. But once was because she was wrapped in a cocoon and for one, the description is “Saw herself ugly after a lesbian kiss and had a mirror fall on her.” Ah, the wacky fun of Smallville.

Yes, they should both have pretty bad brain damage. But with Lana, it’s hard to tell the difference. With Lex… Well, this explains why he fell in love with Lana.

Clark racks up at 26. Man of Steel my a**. Like everyone else, a bunch of times were by his friends. But twice was via himself. Seriously.

MamaKent has been knocked out once by Clark, but twice by Chloe, whom wasn’t being posessed or controlled in any way either time. Once is also described as “Suffocated out by grain.” Grain!

Clark and Chloe have both died twice [technically, Chloe’s died three times, because it turned out she hadn’t, but the explanation they gave didn’t fit, so she should actually still be dead]. Lex has died four times. And Lana had died an unbelievable ELEVEN TIMES. Attention wh*re.

In one episode early in the series, Lex taught Lana some martial arts. She used them to beat up some sleazy guy and promptly forgot about them until she was mind-whammied and told to attack Chloe. There’s a nice list of all the times she should have used her skills but didn’t. Some of them are her getting kidnapped when she should had been able to kick the villain’s a**, some of them are of her watching someone try to murder one of her boyrfriends and doing nothing. I want a list of the same sort, but for Lois.

Lana hates Clark’s secrets and lies, so there’s a list of all the times she has had SECRETH! Or told LIETH! It’s quite a long list. Hypocrite.

If you want the link, here it is

http://www.supermanhomepage.com/tv/tv.php?topic=reviews/smallville-knockout

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