Smallville: Wherein Nutsy The Squirrel gives Alien Farmboy an adventure.

February 10, 2009 at 9:39 am (Uncategorized) (, )

If you can’t tell from the title, this particular Smallville parody is going to be a strange one. Not as strange as the one where Clark mourns his lost love Lex Luthor in a rewritten version of Sarah Silverman’s awesome “I’m Fucking Matt Damon,” song, because there honestly isn’t much in the way of “Smallville parodies,” that could beat that for weirdness unless I started snorting crack before writing these. Although it might surprise some people to learn that I wasn’t already.

 squirrelfacelana1

So, previously on Smallville. Lana made a lot of rodent-like faces and stole the nuts off all her boyfriends, earning her the nickname “Squirrel.” She also wore a lot of pink. Clark and Lana moped about how they were so in love. Lana disappeared. Lex disappeared. Lois fell in love with Clark. Lana reappeared. Lex reappeared. Lana got a skin treatment that gave her superstrength, superspeed, and invunerability like Clark. Clark and Lana kissed. Clark and Lana had bed-breaking superstrength sex. The world gagged. Lana absorbed a bigass Kryptonite bomb made by Lex, in his big grand scheme to make Clark break up with his girlfriend. Yeah, keep dreaming big, Lex. Anyway, Clark decides that this is reason enough to murder Lex, and Lana has to talk him out of it. Lex dies anyway. They go back to the farm, Clark makes himself kiss her one more time, gets to experience the same amount pain from being around Lana that the audience feels, and she leaves. I rejoice and celebrate with a weird parody.

One week after Requiem.

Clark: *dials phone* Hi Lois, it’s me. Would you like to come over and try something? It’s a little kinky.
Lois: You know I’m always open to new… experiences.

Lois: So you’re the superpowered alien pretending to be a Kansas farmboy…
Clark: Right.
Lois: …And I’m Nutsy The Squirrel.
Clark: But not just any squirrel. Nutsy is the kindest, purest, most beautiful squirrel to ever live!
Lois: Riiight. If I’m a rodent in a tree, do I really have to wear all this pink?
Clark: Yes! The pink is essential!
Lois: Alright, but this better be some really hot roleplaying, Kent.
Clark: Trust me, it will be. Could we start?
Lois: *monotone* Oh Alien Farmboy, I’ve just realised you’ve been lying to me again. This makes me angry and confused.
Clark: And angsty. Don’t forget that, angst is the most important part of this roleplay.
Lois: Why are they angsting that they love each other so much?
Clark: Because they are. Please, would you just trust me? Don’t forget to whisper and tear up.
Lois: Kent…
Clark: Alien Farmboy!
Lois:…Alien Farmboy, is crying during sex really such a turn-on for you?
Clark: Sex? Don’t be ridiculous, Nutsy the Squirrel and Alien Farmboy aren’t going to have sex.
Lois: Huh?
Clark: They can’t.
Lois: Huh?
Clark: He would crush her with his superstrength, duh.
Lois: Hmm. So if they don’t go as far as sex, they’ll be okay.
Clark: *earnest* Yep. They can still kiss, when his Secrets! and Lies! aren’t getting in the way.
Lois: Well we have to go further than that. I suppose we could kiss somewhere other than the mouth.
Clark: W-w-what?
Lois: Or even sex would probably be okay so long as it wasn’t in the missionary position.
Clark: There are other positions?
Lois: God, do you have a lot to learn. Tell you what, how about we get on with the roleplay, Alien Farmboy, and I’ll show you?

*Next morning*
Jimmy answers a knock on he door.
Jimmy: Clark?
Clark: I-is C-Chloe here? I need to t-t-talk to her.
Chloe: Clark, wha- oh no.
Jimmy: What?
Chloe: That’s the “Unexperienced guy who slept with Lois” look. Very stunned, very scared, and all innocence lost. You just sit him down on the couch, I’ll go see if there’s any morning-after-Lois whisky left.

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Luca’s Twilight Comic

December 24, 2008 at 12:01 pm (Uncategorized)

A friend of mine does some drawing, and I came up with an idea for a Twilight spoof. I’ve done a couple in writing only, but this wouldn’t work unless it was a visual gag, and in any case if I drew it, they would be stick figures. Crappy stick figures at that, it’s still hard to draw those things if they’re doing anything but standing up.

So Luca, who can draw people who aren’t stick figures doing things that aren’t standing up, is making a comic out of it. Which you can see the first part of here.

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Clark got hired at the Daily Planet. Time to mock Smallville.

July 9, 2008 at 1:32 pm (Uncategorized) (, , )

I’ve got two more of the parodical Lines Never Said On Smallville. I like these ones a lot, I reckon the first is my favourite ever. They’re based on/inspired by the same two spoilers:

– When Clark returns to Metropolis, he’ll have a big surprise for Lois.

-[TV Guide] reveals what Clark’s surprise is for Lois: He’s taking the job at the Daily Planet, right across from her desk.

So the two skits below are kind of paired together on that, the first one is my cynical reaction and the other one is my idealistic reaction to the spoilers. Of course, since Smallville is such a piece of crap, the first one is much more realistic.

It’s about the constantly lowering standards at the Daily Planet, which was established for a long time to be a fantastic newspaper with the best reporters. It was Chloe’s dream job to work there, and the season that she got hired, it was living up to it’s reputation just fine from what we saw. It started going down a gentle slope in Season 6, and in Season Seven that slope turned into fucking Mount Everest, and from the sounds of those spoilers, Season 8 is determined to somehow sink it further.

Chloe:…And so that’s how you turn on SpellCheck. Couldn’t you have asked Lois this?
Clark: BOOBY NO KNOW*.
Lois: *from the desk across* Yeah, I don’t bother with any of that fancy details stuff. That’s what makes my reports so edgy.
Chloe: *forces a smile* Yes. Of course it is. I’ll see you later, Clark.
Clark: BYE BYE TINY BLONDE.

[Chloe leaves. As she is heading to the elevator, she hears something in a nearby supply closet and opens the door. It’s Kahn*. And booze.]

Kahn: Oh, Sullivan. It’s you.
Chloe: Uh huh.
Kahn: Haven’t seen you around so much.
Chloe: I was fired a several months ago.
Kahn: That’s right, I heard about that… Wait, why are you here then?
Chloe: Visiting a friend. So, what’s happening with you, in here?
Kahn: I was fired too. Hour ago.
Chloe: Oh. I’m really sorry.
Kahn: They’ve been on my back for ages… I didn’t want to hire a horny seventeen-year-old as an editor, I tried to get him to stop playing favourites with all the staff, I made an attempt at getting the Lane girl to follow procedure and stop acting like she’s still at The Inquisitor*… My bosses hated me for all that.
Chloe: Mm. Lois is my cousin, you know.
Kahn: Don’t try to defend her, you know it’s true.
Chloe: I won’t, I was just making the point that after she’s got everything I wanted by doing absolutely nothing, I still have to go home and see her. And act happy, or my bosses will capitalize on their threat of making me insane*.
Kahn: At least you didn’t have to read the reports she turns in. How exactly does one misspell “cat”?
Chloe: She says not using Spellcheck makes her reports edgy.
Kahn: Oh god.
Chloe: Yeah.
Kahn: Now Kent’s been hired too. That’s what they fired me for, I tried to stop it. Remember back when I hired you?
Chloe: Uh-huh.
Kahn: You’d been running your high school paper almost alone for years, gotten into an internship program here, worked towards being a reporter your whole life, right?
Chloe: Right.
Kahn: And it was still very unusual to hire you without a degree, but we had a job interview, you gave me an example of your work. It was sensationalist, but you had plenty of evidence-
Chloe: Wait, so did you know about all the strange things happening in Kansas?
Kahn: I was a top reporter then the editor-in-chief, don’t underestimate my knowledge of events again. Anyway, you had evidence, interviews, it was well written… So I let you in. Two years later, your cousin walks in, yells something about a UFO, and gets hired just like that. No proof, no education, no interview.
Chloe: The editor wanted to get some action from her. Mission successful.
Kahn: Here and now… Just look at them.
[Chloe opens the door a crack. Lois is giving Jimmy a lapdance. Clark is under the impression that his computer has a touchscreen and is poking at the already very splintered glass]
Kahn: How did we reach this stage of things?
Chloe: I have been finding that lately, fortune favours the stupid a little more each day.
Kahn: [snorts] You got that right.
Chloe: I should probably be going…
Clark: COMPOOTAR NO WORKY! ME FIX!
[Chloe and Kahn hear something smash]
Lois: [shouting] I’m off to the Ace of Clubs*! It’s Happy Hour and alcohol always makes me smarter!
Chloe: On the other hand, pass the booze. Alcohol always makes me stupid. Maybe for a few hours, I’ll be fortunate.

*1. This is what is nicknamed Neanderthal Clark, where his stupidity is exaggerated to the point that he acts and speaks much like a caveman.
*2. Kahn appeared as the Editor In Chief at the DP in S5. Although only in one episode, she is remembered for hiring Chloe at the DP and being portrayed by Carrie Fisher, AKA Princess Leia. I got the impression she was smart and good at her job, I needed someone who was very competent and a higher up at the Planet.
*3. The Inquisitor was a tabloid newspaper Lois was hired at when she brought them a story about her almost being hit by a flying barn door and they put it on the front page on the condition she change it to include aliens. Which sums up their standards aptly. Apart from one article for the school paper, this is her only experience in journalism.
*4. Lately, Chloe has become more of a cheerleader for the other characters than an actual person, and has been way too happy with the pieces of trash life has been throwing at her [getting fired from dream job, getting arrested by FBI, douchebag of a boyfriend] She is also a meteor freak, most of those go insane, and she has acknowledged the possibility that this will happen to her. So that’s always a potential storyline. On a side note, going insane happens to be her worst fear. So here I rather unsubtly broke the fourth wall and had her cheerleading-and-trash-accepting-ness be because her “bosses,” AKA the writers, have blackmailed her into it, to explain why her demeanor with Kahn is different than with Clark, Lois and Jimmy.

*5. I am not making this up. Lois really does leave the DP and take her work to a bar instead. She reports they have an epic Happy Hour.

______________________________________________
This one is more wish fulfillment, it’s a way that the spoiler can be true and it’ll still be okay. Of course, it wouldn’t happen if Smallville ran for another million years [NOOOOOOOO!] but I can dream. And yeah, this is pretty much the complete opposite of Clark.

Lois: Hey! What are you doing here?
Clark: I took the job.
Lois: Really? Wow!
Clark: Yeah, I wanted to surprise you.
Lois: You did! This is going to be fun!
Clark: Yes. “Fun.”
Lois: You’ve finally moved up in life! Serving a greater purpose than being some farmboy!
Clark: Yeah, I was only giving the world a food supply.
Lois: Right! Now you’re working at the best newspaper in the country!
Clark: See, that’s why I took the job. I don’t feel it is the best newspaper in the country. Maybe it used to be, it seemed pretty good, even just a couple of years ago. Nowadays, the powers that be are doing anything they can to ruin it. Hiring lunkheads without experience or learning*, encouraging no standard of work. I want to make this place become someone’s dream job again. I want to track down exactly who is at the bottom of all this, and then we can have a little chat. They’re going to be sorry they ever took on this unlearned, inexperienced lunkhead.
Lois: *eyes glazed over* Huh?
Clark: Double surprise, bitch.

* “Lunkheads without experience or learning applies here to both Clark and Lois. Although the lack of educatation particually applies to Lois; she never even graduated high school. I can believe she could still get hired at The Inquisitor, but not one of the top newspapers in the US. And Clark was hired in a conventional manner, which makes me think the other applicants must have all been drug-addicted hobos, Paris Hilton, or submitted a form with a little smiley face fingerpainted on in human blood.

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Bag The SatC Promo Pic Game, first and last round.

June 17, 2008 at 11:41 am (Uncategorized) ()

Okay, I’m almost done. There aren’t any more posters unless we start getting ones in other languages, and I can’t be bothered to open that door. So I’m going to finish off with this one promotional picture.

I don’t know why she finds staring at the roof so wonderful. I do know why her eyes and nose appear distorted – photoshop! Again! Some more! By someone who has no idea how to use it! And is a total moron!

But by far the most striking feature of this woeful photo is the alarming paleness of Carrie. I’m going to take a wild guess and say that the entire photo, not just her, is all paled up. But since so much of it is white already, it’s hard to tell. Last time I checked though, SJP wasn’t a snowy silvery colour tinged with pink at the edges. Perhaps the movie reveals that Carrie is really a Martian, which would also explain the distorted facial features. If it does so, I apologize. If not, I must conclude that my cat could put a better promo pic in her sleep with her paws handcuffed together while distracted by food. Suck it, promo pic.

So to round up, there are three main problems with the horrendous marketing campaign for SatC.

Making it all about Carrie/SJP.

Doing absolutely nothing to draw in new viewers i.e. putting almost nothing but a giant title on the poster.

Very, very, very bad photoshopping.

There was also a total lack of creativity, but thats too common an offence to count, so I’ll just make a note of it instead of counting it as one of the crimes.

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The daylight! It burns!

May 14, 2008 at 10:46 pm (Uncategorized)

Moonlight, the vampire-detective show – no, the other vampire-detective show. No, not that one eith- never mind. It’s the one with Alex O’Loughlin, alright? And it’s officially cancelled. Which is sad, because it was a cult show, and because to save it the fans had organized a blood drive. It’s great to see fans trying to contribute to a good cause while helping their show. It’s just unfotunate it didn’t work. Frankly, I think networks should just give up with the Friday Night Timeslot Of Death. They cancel a show after one season because the ratings aren’t high enough, but then whatever new show they bring in gets crappy ratings too, so they cancel that one, and so it goes and so it goes. It’s like, just accept that people go out on Friday night and you get crappy ratings, okay?

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Ghost Whisperer: What not to do.

May 4, 2008 at 1:01 pm (Uncategorized)

So, I’ve decided to do a new regular thing; safety tips brought to you by the Ghost Whisperer. Which, if you don’t know, is a show about Jennifer Love Hewitt swanning about in a variety of low-cut tops talking to ghosts who can’t move on to the afterlife and fixing their issues so they can “go into the light.” This usually involves talking to the relative or partner of the dead ghost. Oh, and no one ever dies from old age.

So, Jennifer Love Hewitt’s character Melinda has absolutely no regard for her own personal safety. Not like Jake from Jericho or half the characters from LOST where they frequently risk their lives to save someone else’s. She just does dangerous or stupid things for no reason at all. So often that I have said before that they could show Ghost Whisperer in some sort of safety class as “What Not To Do.” And now I’m taking that and turning it into a reality. Folks, a new weekly addition will be all the dangerous and stupid things Melinda [or occasionally someone else] has done that week. Just do the opposite, ‘kay? And there may be some general nitpicking if the plot details were particularly bad that week. Here’s the last two episodes.

No Safe Place: Melinda meets a ghost who used to stalk some guy back when she was alive. Only then it turns out that he was the one who was stalking her. And then he decides to stalk Melinda. This is the second lovesick stalker she’s had [I’m not counting regular ghosts] and while that’s not up to the ridiculous Lana Lang level of lovesick stalkers, they’ve pretty much reached their limit on how many she can have while staying believable.

 

Without further ado…

 

1.  Say someone starts stalking you. What’s the first thing that comes to mind? Get a restraining order. Well, Melinda, for reasons unknown, completely ignored this option, as did the cop advising her. Even when the cop said he couldn’t arrest the guy because he wouldn’t break any laws [supposedly – he actually broke multiple ones] no one brought up the possibility of a restraining order. Really, considering Melinda’s Magic!Google use every second episode, this is pathetic. Can’t she research some laws? Can’t the writers research some laws?

2.  However, it turned out the ghost had heard of the concept. It was mentioned that she had actually gotten ten and the stalker had ignored them all without consequence. Seriously people, if you get a restraining order, try to enforce it. There’s no point otherwise/

3.  So the stalker tried to give Melinda this statue, right? And she wouldn’t take it, and this was in front of Delia, so there’s a witness. Now, it’d look mightily suspicious to the cops if the statue later turned up in Melinda’s house and she thinks someone’s broken in. She had refused to take the statue earlier, so one would wonder why she would accept it later. And it’s definetly the stalker guy’s because it has his fingerprints all over it. So what does Melinda do with this crucial evidence that the stalker had broken into her house [which is breaking a law] and is the evidence the cop had been waiting for? She destroyed it. Of course. Does Melinda just live in a world where the legal system does not exist? Is that it? Because I can’t believe anyone could be so stupid.

4.   She didn’t even go to the cops at all after the break in. They could check for fingerprints, fibres, ect. but noooo. Note to all fictional burgler’s and hooligans. If you want some easy cash, pick the lock to Melinda Gordon’s place and take whatever you please! You’ll never get caught! EVER. God.

5.   Melinda lied her way in to stalker’s office and only had a few minutes to hack his computer and get the evidence of his stalking before his secretary would come back in. Halfway through, she decided to stare at some paintings on the wall for a while instead. I know, they were shocking paintings, but seriously – she was breaking into a law firm computer. She would face huge legal consequences if she got caught. Also, his secretary could see her through the window. Dumbass. People, don’t get distracted to the point where you almost get your ass thrown in jail.

6.  If she refused to do all that, at least get some protection. Make like Veronica Mars and go buy a freakin’ tazer. It’s not hard.

 

Weight Of What Was: Long plot, people. Mel’s evil half-brother comes to visit and gives her a box of stuff that belonged to old family members. Amy Acker of Angel fame gets all dressed up in period clothing and comes to Melinda, drawn by an object in the box. This is what Melinda spends half the episode finding out: in 1848, Grandview, people started getting sick, and one of the symptoms was going totally crazy. This craziness led to a lot of people killing their families. The cause of the sickness was ergot poisoning from the bread they were eating. So, like really bad food poisoning. Some doctor from Weston managed to figure this out, but while traveling to Grandview to warn them, he died of exposure in a blizzard. Amy Acker could see ghosts like Melinda, so he appeared to her so she would warn them. But when she tried, they decided she was a witch and killed her with an axe. Then the local church guy, Brother Davis, decided to bring all the uninfected people into the church and lock the doors, to protect them from the sick crazy people. His brilliant plan kinda fell down when the only food he brought in to eat was the bread. So everyone ate it and went crazy, and then crazy Brother Davis burnt the church down to destroy all the evil and everybody died. Then the survivors and whatnot were so ashamed, they built right over the top of their old town and just left it down there to rot. Melinda went down there and ended up being caught in a ghost-caused cave in, but eventually Jim, Delia and Payne rescued her with some help from Amy Acker. Safety tips!

 

  1. She trusted her evil half-brother.
  2. She found a super-secret entrance to an unexplored underground town with very questionable stability. She was alone and no one knew where she was. There was in all likelihood some vicious ghosts in there. What did she do? Go inside! She really could have come back later with someone, but that would require some kind of brain function! Also, she was supposed to be having dinner with Delia in about 45 minutes, so she was just going to blow her off because she didn’t feel like coming back later? Adding to the “come back later,” spiel, she was wearing some fancy black dress when she went in to the dirty, dusty, crumbly tunnel. What kind of girl would ruin her good clothes rather than wait a couple of hours and go back later with old clothes?
  3. She thinks cell phones work underground. ‘Nuff said.
  4. You know the burning church of doom? She decided that to help Amy Acker, she had to march right into the middle of it. When it was chock full or crazy, angry ghosts who believed people who see ghosts are witches and must die. Amy Acker tried to warn her [Ooh, a smart ghost whisperer! Why can’t we get one of those?] but when has Melinda ever listened to good advice from someone who knows more about the subject than she does? Sigh. And she could have tested the waters and tried just talking to one of the random not-church ghosts that were hanging around. They probably wouldn’t be so angry since they didn’t burn up, and if they reacted badly it’d be just one ghost getting violent instead of about thirty. Like, this is dangerous stuff she’s fucking with, shouldn’t she try to find out what she’s getting herself into before just marching in all bravado? It’s completely her own fault that she was stuck in that cave in. But I’m pretty sure there won’t be anything like her learning her lesson. That would constitute actual character development, wouldn’t it? CAN’T HAVE THAT.

 

Nitpicks: 1. Why was Melinda just constantly allowed to go wandering through the hall of records?

2. It’s only been 160 years since the incident, and no one in Grandview knows anything? A diary from an ancestor, stories told through the generations, medical records… I know they decided to cover it up, but nothing that big gets covered up that well.

3. Why was there a super-secret tunnel entrance in the hall of records? There was just one there with absolutely no explanation. The fuck?

4. If the survivors of the incident wanted to cover it up and start over, they would have just knocked the town down. They wouldn’t have BUILT A WHOLE NEW TOWN OVER IT, leaving all the building completely intact. Think about it. It would  be extremely difficult, expensive and unstable.

5. In fact, so unstable that it’s simply unbelievable that New Grandview hasn’t collapsed into Old Grandview by now. The facts are these:

We did not see any supporting pillars, indicating that while there might be some hidden in the walls of the tunnels, the only support in big open spaces [like the one the church was located in] was the buildings. Houses and churches are not made to be support pillars, for christ’s sake. They wouldn’t be too good at performing this task.

Then Amy Acker said that a few other people have found the place and they’d gotten trapped in cave ins like Melinda [I presume the ghosts did those ones too.] So there’s been multiple cave ins, and there are still no signs of this above ground? Get out.

Jim was able to get into Old Grandview merely by breaking through a wall in Melinda’s shop basement. That’s how close it is to the surface, it means there’s only a metre or two of dirt separating Old and New Grandview. With 160 years of rain and storms and such, that would have eroded and collapsed in the real world. Not that it would have been able to hold up buildings in the first place.

A BIG FUCKING PLANE crashed right into New Grandview. Literally half the town should have collapsed right then.

6. It’s also unbelievable that it hasn’t been discovered by construction workers. Think about it. Buildings have foundations. Old Grandview’s only a metre or two underground. Any time someone tried to build something over it, they’d dig down to lay the foundations and go “Hey! There’s a fucking town under here!” So is no one supposed to have built anything in Grandview in 160 years? What about rebuilding the sewers, or extending them? Gas tunnels? Anything? They haven’t changed any of that in 160 years? Bullshit.

7. Ergot poisoning can make people more violent, but it would hardly lead to so many people just massecring their families at random. If that was true there’d be a lot less people today in the areas it affected. Not to mention they probably would have just avoided eating bread unless they were starving.

8. The witch paranoia was over centuries before 1848, so Amy Acker shouldn’t have been killed for it.

9. What, no one removed the dead people’s bones from the church? How lazy and insensitive were the survivors?

 

Good news, everybody! CBS has very low standards for it’s writers! Their common sense and research skills can be that of your average chipmunk, and it’s okay! All fanfiction writers, pay attention! Most of you suck, but you can still work in television! God. That plot came apart like Micheal Jackson’s face.

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Jericho review – 2×01 Reconstruction

February 25, 2008 at 2:04 pm (Uncategorized) (, , )

 Sorry it’s so late. My computer broke down. Comments are always appreciated.

 The recap at the start was kind of lame, but whatever. You know what would have been cool? If he’d just been talking the whole time about all the girls he’d been getting, with the clips to back him up. Shot of him and Heather flirting, then him and Apocalypse Barbie flirting, then him and Maggie flirting. Then hugs, or more flirting for Maggie. More flirty flirty, then come the kisses. Then he can claim that the next footage is not appropriate for CBS. At this point the screen will go black and we will just hear Addison of Grey’s Anatomy Private Practice fame saying “Man whore.” Oh, what? You want me to review the real Jericho, and not the fantasy man whore version? Oh alright, if you insist, just go ahead and ruin my fun. 

‘Kay, so Constantino and Jake got dragged into the principal’s office for having a scrap. Jake tried to go again right in front of everybody, whereas Constantino chose the smarter, sneakier method of lying that Jake started it and he had no choice. Jesus, Jake, use your head a little. However, Principal Beck declares that their fight is over and done with.

 

Jake being dumb seemed to be a theme this episode, what with the sloppy Constantino murder plot. However, Hawkins abstained from said plot, because Hawkins is smart and knows how to kill people and not get caught. So does Dale, come to think of it. Maybe he should have tried to kill Constantino.

 

Jake and Apron: Ewwww. Their first scene was nauseous, their second one was terrible, but at least it was amusing. Snoozebutton tried to bake a cake for Gail. Apparently not the simple kind of cake that kids can make with their mums, because she indicated that loud noises or vibrations would ruin it. Her and Jake then established that she has only ever baked anything once in her life, so long ago that she had actually been a kid at the time, and it caused a fire. Jesus Christ, and she’s trying to cook a complicated recipe? That cake must suck. More likely to burn the house down or give Gail food poisoning than actually taste good. There were a lot of stupid decisions in this episode, but The Drapery takes the biscuit. You thought I was going to say cake, didn’t you? Dream on.

 

I’m going to enjoy writing this bit: Heather is back in Jericho! It was sweeeet. She had a big reunion hug with Jake. He just grabbed her tightly and she laughed but it kinda turned into a sob at the end. Can I give her a hug too? And then she noticed at this guy who’d tried to shoot up the place and been stopped [by our interprid hero Jake] and arrested. From the look she gave him, and the look he gave her back, it’s obvious that she knows him, he doesn’t like her, and she’s kinda scared of him. In her second scene, we found out why.

 

She was sitting at a table at Bailey’s with Mary, just having a burger, and then Major Beck, who is the head of the military presence in J-Town, comes in and asks to talk to her. He implies slightly that he wants Mary to leave, and there’s a little moment I love where Mary looks at Heather like “Are you okay talking to him alone, or do you want me to stay here?” And Heather shrugs all like “I’m uncomfortable with it, but I guess you should go.” Awwww. Can we have them as BFFs instead of Bimbo and Heather? So. Moving on. Beck, who had noticed the look between her and the gunman, asks how she knows him, and she explains that Constantino ordered her to be taken out of town and executed, but the deputy assigned to do so refused to take those kind of orders. Okay, folks, anyone with half a brain who watched Casus Beli and Why We Fight can infer that he let her go instead and pretended he’d killed her. I’ve seen someone saying that she hadn’t explained how she got away from New Bern, but this isn’t rocket science. It’s not very hard. And good for that nameless deputy, BTW. Hope he wasn’t found out or anything. Who knows, maybe he’ll turn up in Jericho someday.

 

Oookay. Now, how does she actually know the shooter? Well, not all the deputies were as brave and righteous as the one she got, and Shooter was “one of the worst.” I swear to god, the way that line was delivered gave me a shiver. I got a sick feeling that he has done truly horrific things, and that Heather has been forced to watch some of them, or quite possibly subjected to some. Which is a really scary thought. That line delivery was awesome, though. This may be Sprague’s finest episode, in fact, as she was awesome in her scenes. There was so much emotion in every line and facial expression. Yay for Sprague!

 

Right. Moving on. So, then Beck wants to know if she thinks Shooter should die for what he did, and she says “I think there’s been enough dying around here lately.” This is a clear contrast with Jake and Eric, that they all have a lot of bad blood with a horrible and vicious person. Jake and Eric want to kill Constantino for revenge, which is understandable if morally wrong and bad for Jericho in the long term. However, Heather is more passive, and she would rather have peace than vengeful bloodshed. Which in turn proves that although her experience in New Bern may have changed her, she’s still undoubtedly Heather at her core.

 

Presumably Beck asked that last question to see if she’s a vengeful person, because vengeful people suck at being liasons. That’s what he’s here for, to ask her to be a liason between New Bern and Jericho. She’s not so enthusiastic about working with the military, because she was just in a place where similar people made life hell. Beck just says that he’d thought she would be able to tell the difference between him and Constantino. Backed into a corner,  the closing shot of Heather’s face indicates that she will take the job, but isn’t happy about it. On the upside, this means that she may be able to get certain people out of New Bern, ones who would be in danger there. Such as Ted or the nameless deputy who let her escape, or maybe even Russell.

 

Major Beck had a lot of characterization in that scene. In the scenes with Jake, he appears as a harsh but well-meaning man who truly wants to help get Jericho back on its feet. In this scene, he carefully manipulates Heather into taking a job where she will have to have extensive contact with New Bern, even though he knows she recently went through something quite traumatic there. It’s true that a liason between the two towns is needed, and apart from the unpleasent memories Heather is a good choice. But it’s not like there wouldn’t be a single other person in town who doesn’t have the whole vendetta thing going on. So he’s willing to use manipulation to do bad things to completely innocent individuals to improve the big picture. It’s a pity him and Hawkins are on opposite sides, they would be great mates.

 

Sorry I blathered on so much about that single scene. But it’s my favourite from that episode, ‘cause Heather’s back, Mary’s being cool, Sprague was motherfucking awesome, and there’s just so many subtle little bits of characterization going on there beneath the surface.

 

Okay, there’s another organization in town, a non-military one. They do stuff like getting the schools working again [‘cause God knows Peroxide Girl couldn’t] helping at the hospital, and repairing the economy.

 

Stimi were adorable, though Stanley, like Jake, was majorly dumb. It was like, seriously man, your girlfriend used to work for the IRS. If your offered a contract to settle your debts to the government, have her look at it before you sign it. But Mimi, because she is awesome, made it all better anyway. Turns out the contract was illegal. Oh, and she got herself a job, too. But most importantly, Mimi proposed! And Stanley said yes, but it was all awkward and she thought he was doing it out of pity! But then he told her he’d been planning to ask her anyway and then he did ask her and everything was better! And Bonnie was missing, which was really annoying! But still, Stimi = Adorable! I am so worried that someone is going to get killed.

 

The one thing I didn’t like this episode was the amount of Beck n’ Jake scenes that amounted to “No! Bad Jake! You do not try to kill Constantino. Bad!” Beck seems cool, and Jake is cool, but we did not need all of those scenes.

 Okay, if I had to rate this episode? B+. Shiny, but not very shiny. There are a lot of times that the first episode of the season, on any given show, will kick ass. But even more common is the first episode of the season sucking ass. So comparing it to other shows, I think Jericho did pretty well.

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