British media and hotness.

September 25, 2008 at 7:01 am (tv misc) (, , , )

This is random, but I’ve decided something I kind of like about a lot of British shows and movies is that they don’t feel the need to make everyone in the cast ridiculously attractive. Or rather, not so Hollywood-attractive, although the one-ep guest stars and stuff are usually normal, it often seems the main cast looks good in a less traditional way. It makes it feel a little more realistic and less glamourized. This aids Doctor Who in particular – the show as a whole can’t be considered realistic in any sense of the word, but the guest stars having that boy/girl-next-door look adds to the theme that the Doctor intrudes on situations that are completely realistic and normal and everyday, and makes them all weird and special and fantastic.

For an American example, Jericho was good about this too. Their blatant glamouring-up of Apocalypse Barbie [Emily] aside, anyway. IMO the star, Skeet Ulrich, was somewhere in the middle between Hollywood hot and unconventional hot, and everyone else pretty much nailed it. Good to see.

After all this, I still don’t mind all the Hollywood pretty – it’s nice to look at, duh – unless it’s one of those things where they seem to have chosen a cast purely for their looks and not their acting abilities. Apart from those cases, it’s just nice to have the more lifelike sense to a show/movie once in a while.


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Pushing Daisies Season 2 trailer.

August 6, 2008 at 12:07 pm (tv misc) ()

It’s awesome. It’s not very clear what exactly is going on a lot of the time, but it’s still awesome.

My favourite parts are the clowns, corpses, clown corpses [in a car] a cannonball man going through a window, a circus which explains the clowns and the cannonball man, bees, bee corpses, a corpse caused by bee stings with bees coming out of it’s mouth and covering the camera*, a guy with a butcher knife, nuns, a fake nun, a nun kissing Butcher knife guy, Broadway nuns, a Broadway nun in an eyepatch, Broadway nuns doing what looks to be a homage to The Sound Of Music, a floating Broadway nun, a Broadway nun getting chased by a priest, a Broadway nun and the fake nun getting bowled over by one of those giant bell things, a nun corpse [of course] a secret revolving wall, a pig named Pigby, Missi Pyle, a fake hump that is really a person [Chuck?], and these lines:

“I have something to say, and I’m going to say it to you, you, you, and your hump!”

“I’m sorry about your loss. And I do accept credit cards.”


“I wake pies and make the dead… That was creepy.”

“Ooh, conspricies. How dramatic.”

*That bit actually really scares me. I used to like bees, then I was in a swarm when I was twelve, now I’m scared of them. But I still like them when they’re not near me, and they’ve been one of the many things I’m looking forward to when Channel Nine finally decides to start the show in Australia, but dude, bees coming out of a stung-to-death corpse and covering the camera? Cannot like them from a distance when they’re doing that. It’s too freaky. But still cool.

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Saturn Awards make a planet sized mistake.

July 2, 2008 at 2:58 am (tv misc) (, , )

Okay, just looked at the Saturn Award winners. Jennifer Love Hewitt won for her role in Ghost Whisperer. God fucking damn it, I watch Ghost Whisperer, and unless she has improved substantially in the gap between mid-Season 3 and where the States are at in the series, she sucks! Badly! They don’t even give her anything interesting to do, it’s the same old shit every episode, limiting any potential she might have hidden away. The camera will always linger on her supposed-to-be emoting face before the ad break or scene change and it’s never emoting! Ever! Half the reason I keep watching is because it’s so very funny the way she shrieks as a ghost does something threatening! Why the hell would they give her an award?

Now that’s out of my system, IMO the Saturn Awards usually get it right, but they are also capable of huge immense screw ups, much moreso than most other respectable awards. They nominated Superman Returns ten times and gave it the award five times including for Best Fantasy, they nominated Batman and Robin, which is my favourite superhero movie specifically because it is such ludicrous shit, and it got a bunch of Razzie nominations too. Now they’ve awarded JLH, who seems like a nice person otherwise, but really cannot act.

All we can do is hope they can try again and do better next year.

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Ted Mosby Is A Jerk, says crazy lady. In song.

June 14, 2008 at 6:49 am (tv misc) ()

I love How I Met Your Mother. I’d been hearing good things about it for ages, and decided to check it out about five weeks back. It was funny, and I really liked it, but then came an episode last week all about how someone is trying to ruin Barney’s life which made me love it. They had a tournament to see which one would have the most cause, since he had done some horrible things before or after having a one night stand with them. Then, at the final four, he went round to see them and check if they were trying to ruin his life. He had impersonated his best friend Ted to nail the second one, and she told him she had a website. Barney got up on a chair, and announced to the crowded cafe that he, Ted Mosby, does horrible things to women, to make sure to tell their friends and relatives, and they should all go visit the website. Which the narration says went on to get 400,000 hits, “Thanks, Barney.”

So, it’s a real website. Most of it’s pretty cute, but nothing more, although I like that they made it completely as though we are inside the HIMYM universe, there’s nothing telling us to buy T-Shirts to support the show or any of that crap. But the best part is, the main page has a song that will start to play. A song of awesome. It’s written by the girl from the show who supposedly set up the website, and is about how “Ted Mosby,” is a jerk.  Well, sometimes it’s about how she still loves him and wants him to come back. It has time to alternate since it goes for twenty minutes. It also gets more and more insane as it goes along, peaking at about 16 minutes in. In any case, it’s super awesome, with awesomesauce. For anyone who watches HIMYM, this is a must-see, and Battlestar Galactica fans should enjoy the big reference to their show.

Seriously, even if you don’t watch HIMYM, if at some point you’re doing something on your computer that is not watching a video but will take twenty minutes or longer [say, homework] I recommend foregoing music you’ve listened to a thousand times and checking this out. At least if you enjoy crazy but fun kind of stuff.

Off the song alone, this deserves the Emmy for whatever category you put websites in. I know there is a category, the Jericho site got a nom last year.

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June 1, 2008 at 3:47 am (tv misc) (, )


If you already know about the series, and would like some stuff, here are the links. If you have no idea what this is and want to find out, I tried to explain it below.

Cast and crew. Trailer. Clip.

Joss Whedon is my [and a whole lot of other people’s] god of television. He created Buffy The Vampire Slayer, he created Firefly. And also Serenity, the movie sequel to Firefly and one of my favourite movies. He’s got this new show coming out, called Dollhouse.

There’s a company and they rent people out to rich folk, for whatever assignment the rich folk want them for. An escort, a spy, legal, illegal… It doesn’t matter, as long as they don’t think the rentals [called “actives,” or “dolls”] are going to get killed. So here’s the catch. Once the assignment is complete, the actives will return to the company, and have their memories, personality and skill set wiped, and they’ll just sit in the “Dollhouse,” until the next mission, at which point they will recieve new memories, skills, and a personality. We don’t know where the company got them from, whether they were once normal. Either way, this is pretty obviously some heavy abuse of human rights, and though there’s one government agent who believes in the Dollhouse, he can’t find it. We begin our series with one of the dolls, Echo, beginning to become self-aware, off duty.


Hopefully, this will be a little more light-hearted than we saw in the trailer. Not to the point where it’s a comedy series, but just give it funny dialogue. Buffy and Firefly had lots of funny dialogue, and it worked really well for them. They’re immensly quotable. I’m a teensy bit worried about this due to the serious subject matter, but on the other hand, Joss Whedon said he’d never do a series without comedy, and there was that “IT’S THE HAPPIEST DAY IN MY LIFE!” bit in the trailer, so that gives me hope.

BTW, y’all, I know that this is the third time in a row my post has mostly just been linking to stuff. Sorry, it’s exams, I don’t have enough time to write reviews or anything, so it’s either this or just stop posting. They’re over in a week, though.

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Songs never sung in Smallville.

May 12, 2008 at 11:11 pm (tv misc) (, , )

Lines never said on Smallville. Or while writing Smallville. Whatever. For those of you who have no idea who everyone is, Lex is Clark’s ex-“just friends” and current enemy, Al and Miles are the current showrunners who are leaving after this season because they didn’t get enough money, Darren Swimmer and Brian Peterson are two of the people who are taking over, Clark is young Superman, Chloe is his friend, Jimmy is her loser boyrfriend, and Lois is the local dumbass.

Inspired by this. Which was inspired by this. Which inspired this. There’s a lot of inspiration going on with this thing. I recommend at least watching the second link so you can get a beat for the song.

*37 minutes into Arctic. Karniac has taken Lex to the Fortress, and they’ve been shouting for Jor-El to talk to them. That’s it.*
Al: Hehe, we told them we would get our revenge.
Miles: They never should have let us write the finale.
Al: DS & BP should never have asked to write the last five minutes.
Miles: You said it. Oh well, we should do our duty and go hand it off to them.
Al: I can’t wait to see them try to squirm their way out of this one.
Miles: Mwahahaha!
DS: Um…
BP: Yeah.
DS: I think we can still save this episode.
BP: Yeah?
DS: Let’s write something that will be make CW history!
BP: Yeah!
DS: No one will even remember the numbingly boring stuff that Al and Miles wrote!
BP: It’s going to be legendary!
DS: I’ll get the pens and paper!
BP: I’ll get the pizza and booze!

Jimmy: *at computer* Lois, you have to come see this!
Lois: Is it going to get me a Pulitzer? I don’t waste time on non-Pulitzer articles. Better to just try and think up a good headline for the Pulitzer story, whatever it may be.
Jimmy: It has nothing to do with work, just come see it. Seriously.
Lois: Oh, fine, I’ll come look. You owe me for this.
*Jimmy starts a Youtube video, and we see Clark sitting on the couch at the Kent house, looking at the camera*

Clark: Hello there, all interweb users. I’ve never put anything on Youtube before, but I have to get my feelings out. I’ve been repressing this for a long time, and it’s time to be open about it and tell the world.
Chloe: *offscreen* Frankly, I’m just here out of pity.
Clark: I wish I could tell my girlfriend, but she’s catatonic. However, she’s supposedly still aware of what goes on around her, so I suppose at some point someone could take a laptop when they go to visit her and play this for her.
Chloe: Clark, I’d love to do that, but you should probably get to the point soon.
Clark: You see, there’s this person. We used have some good times together. Not anymore, and I’m here, ready to admit that I’m a little upset about that…

*Guitar music begins to play*
Clark: ‘Cause I’m not fucking Lex Luthor!
Chloe: *appears wearing bald cap* He’s not fucking Lex Luthor!
Clark: And it makes me feel so alone.

Clark: I’m not fucking Lex Luthor!
ChloeAsLex: He’s not fucking Lex Luthor!
Clark: I miss the love and the bones.

*Scene changes to the barn with Clark’s back to us*

Clark: *growling voice* No costumes, ‘scope rusty
Chlex: And the loft is tragically dusty
Clark: No kneeling, hay unpeturbed
Chlex: Nothing for the cows to observe
Cows: Mooooo!

*Clark faces us*

Clark: *with emo haircut* I’m not fucking Lex Luthor!
Chlex: He’s not fucking Lex Luthor!
Clark: As he explores my icy palace

Clark: I’m not fucking Lex Luthor!
Chlex: He’s not fucking Lex Luthor!
Clark: Man, he had a biiig phallus

Chlex: Question; do you think this is getting a little TMI?
Clark: We are so far past the point of TMI that I don’t think it matters from here on out. I shall bare my soul!
Chlex: Whatever.

*Cut to BALLS, otherwise known as the Back Alcove of Lex Luthor Surveillance*
Clark: *sobbing through his new emohair and a whole lot of  black eyeliner as he watches old footage of Lex*
Hey there Lexy, you’ve made me sad
Remember all the good sex we had
Those days are over, we’ve drifted apart
I wish for once I could have been smart
So I wouldn’t have lost my heart [Chlex: And the mope goes to a whole new level…]

Lois: *barges in* Knock-knock!
Clark and Chlex: Please go back out the door
Lois: Who’s the bald guy and the emo queen?
Chlex: *to Clark* Just KO her and let’s get to the next scene
*Clark flicks Lois in the head*

*Cut to “CoCK,” otherwise known as Lex’s Chamber of Clark Kent. Clark has fifteen facial piecings.*
Clark: I’m not fucking Lex Luthor!
Chlex: He’s not fucking Lex Luthor!
Clark: *stroking Chlex’s bald cap*
Sometimes for luck I’d do this.

Clark: I’m not fucking Lex Luthor!
Chlex: He’s not fucking Lex Luthor!
Clark: How can I live without that bliss?

*Cut to the asylum*
Clark: *wearing a black straightjacket*
Empty bed, open door
Threw out that rug by the door
Chlex: *On the other side of a glass wall, a la Shattered*
No fucking here, no fucking there
Clark: There’s no fucking anywhere!

Clark: *screaming in torment* I’M NOT FUCKING LEX LUTHOR!

Lois: Wow.
Jimmy: Yeah. I had to watch it 683 times before I could accept that it was true.
Lois: I can’t even believe Clark and Lex were once fuck buddies. I thought Clark was a nice guy, but Lex is evil for Christ’s sake!
Jimmy: It’s pronounced EVOL!
Lois: What?
Jimmy: Never mind.
Lois: Although it certainly explains where Clark’s been for the last few weeks.
Jimmy: Guess singing out his feelings wasn’t such a great idea after all.
Lois: I don’t know about that, he’s already gotten at least twice as many views as the Leave Britney Alone guy.
Jimmy: Yeah, but nobody likes Chris Crocker, they just think he’s pathetic. He’s famous in a bad way, you know?
Lois: Don’t be silly, there’s no bad way to be famous!
Jimmy: Well, you should enjoy your newfound fame as that girl who was flicked in the head in the “I’m not fucking Lex Luthor,” video.
Lois: Hey, yeah! Do you think I could get a book deal?
Jimmy: No.
Lois: Like this. “…I always said Clark had big fingers…”
Jimmy: Lois, somehow you are the only person on earth who always manages to make me feel smart. Thankyou.



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Ghost Whisperer safety tips.

May 11, 2008 at 1:19 am (tv misc) ()

Amusingly, this week’s episode of Ghost Whisperer was called Double Exposure. Like, I’ll say. They could even rename the show that if they wanted to. Of course, we were supposed to think it was a reference to cameras, since the ghost of the week was messing with them. So, here’s your regular safety tips from Ghost Whisperer.


1.   If you have a ridiculously perfect husband, especially one who has often saved your ass or your life, appreciate him. Don’t start a big bitchy fight because he wants to go to med school and picked up a brochure for one in a different state. It doesn’t mean he’s going to go there, okay? My mum’s always complaining about all the brochures my dad gets for stuff he’s never going to buy. Do not drive ridiculously perfect ass-and-life-saving husband away. I’d say you’ll end up a lonely old lady with 38 cats, but you probably won’t even live that long anyway.

2.    Never rely on anyone as dumb as Melinda to save you from dying of asthma. You know what she did? First she tried to get the unconscious lives-alone victim to try to let her in the door, then she  decided to have a chat with her dead ex-boyfriend over her rapidly dying body instead of giving medical attention. Nice work, genius! God, she’d probably try to bring someone out of a coma by whacking them in the head with nearby heavy objects. Jim, never get hurt at home. If it’s not fatal, your bonehead wife will fix that.

3. If you’re in a relationship that becomes long distance, don’t cheat on your partner and claim it was because “[you] were so lost without [them].” If your partner doesn’t kill you, I might.

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Lexson & The Small Whisperer.

April 23, 2008 at 12:53 pm (tv misc) (, )

Hi, folks. About the Smallville skits; you may notice that the characters and plotlines are not consistant. I should have explained this earlier, but basically every skit is a separate parody, so within each skit, the other ones don’t exist. And the characters can change drastically between skits too, because I am exaggerating, teasing out and mocking different aspects of the character in different skits.


For example, the first skit in this post comes from Lex’s constant evil genius plots which never seem to lead to anything, in particular his latest one, where he realizes the family crest he sees every day has a constellation in it that he just missed for about 25 years, and promptly decides it must have a secret meaning. Being Smallville, that turned out to be true, but it did get me wondering what else he could dream up, and what would happen if he was wrong in his crazy conspiracy theory. For once. There’s not much else you need to know for this one, just MaybeMercy was a [wicked cool] minion of Lex’s whom some people thought might be Mercy. She was actually killed last episode, but I’d already started writing this and didn’t want to remove her.


Lex: I have a brilliant plan!
MaybeMercy: *mutters* Here we go. Uh, why don’t you tell me about this brilliant plan, sir?
Lex: Yesterday I was feeling nostalgic, and looking at the family portrait. Then I spotted a lock of hair in it.
MaybeMercy: Hair?
Lex: Hair.
MaybeMercy: This hair has some significance, sir?
Lex: I believe so. It was black, like my old boyfriend’s hair.
MaybeMercy: If you like black hair, sir, I could dye mine.
Lex: *doesn’t hear her* Are you acquainted with the story of Samson?
MaybeMercy: Yes.
Lex: Samson was a man who lived thousands of years ago, and he had been blessed with great strength.
MaybeMercy: I know.
Lex: He got this strength from his hair.
MaybeMercy: Wow, it sounds kind of ridiculous when you say it out loud.
Lex: When his hair was cut off, he lost his strength and was blinded and captured. By the time they brought him out from captivity, his hair had grown back, and he pushed some pillars over and killed everyone.
MaybeMercy: Lovely man. Are you thinking it’s not just a story?
Lex: I’m beginning to think it’s not just a story. I think it really happened. And I think it’s happening again.
MaybeMercy: Shock horror.
Lex: What if I’m the new Samson?
MaybeMercy: Were you superstrong as a child, before you lost your hair?
Lex: The flow of convenient secret memories that returned after I was shot stopped again after one of my other concussions. I’ve since tried to concuss them back by beating myself over the head with a beanbag, but to no avail.
MaybeMercy: I could try with a whip. I hear they have amazing memory-restoring powers.
Lex: In short, I can’t remember whether I was strong. *pauses* However, I have lost all movement in my ring fingers and I have no idea who my ex-wife was.
MaybeMercy: Believe me sir, that’s an amazing blessing. Anyway, you need to move on, find someone new…
Lex: But I do know someone who has hair.
MaybeMercy: Most people do, sir.
Lex: He has pulled off many miraculous rescues, many of which seemed to require someone of paranormal strength.
MaybeMercy: Wouldn’t this indicate that he’s the new Samson?
Lex: However, he doesn’t have a lock of hair in his family portrait! So I’ve deducted that Clark Kent……
MaybeMercy: Not him again.
Lex:…Must have stolen my hair in the meteor shower and put it on his own head!
MaybeMercy: Whatever you say, sir.
Lex: I’m going to have to get it back!
MaybeMercy: Oh boy. Sir, putting hair powers aside for a minute, there are some unfinished projects I need to ask you about.
Lex: Then I will be superstrong! I’m sorry, did you say something?
MaybeMercy: What are you planning to do with Veritas?
Lex: What’s that?
MaybeMercy: Remember the billionaire astronomy club your parents were in that was waiting for a traveler from another planet. There’s a box in Zurich that contains all it’s secrets, and last week you got your hands on the keys to that box.
Lex: I have no memory of this. Possibly because of the beanbag beating, but no matter, I can’t waste time on ludicrous stories right now, I need that hair. Just scrap that Veritas crap.
MaybeMercy: What about your meteor infected army? Supersoldiers? Cloning? The Kawatche Caves?
Lex: Pah! Those were pointless fancies. Superhair is the future. Now, I’m going to have to find a way to get it back from Clark and onto my head.
*Lex walks off*
MaybeMercy: For crying out loud, how long do I have to wait before he fucks me?*Kent Farm, two days later, 1am*
Clark: *waking up* Urrrrhhh, Lana, what are you doing?
*No answer*
Clark: Wait, Lana’s in a braindead coma…
*He turns on a bedside lamp*
Clark: Lex? What are you doing here?
*The light reveals Lex standing there with an electric shaver and crazy eyes*
Lex: Nothing, nothing at all. Just came by, you know, for old time’s sake.
Clark: *regretful* Lex, we can’t just fuck randomly anymore. We’re mortal enemies. Uh, whose hair is that on the floor?
Lex: It’s – it’s mine! Rightfully mine.
Clark: *feels own head* Holy shit, you shaved my head? Are you crazy? Why the fuck would you shave my hair off?!
Lex: Don’t try to put the innocent act on me, I know your tricks!
Clark: Omigod, how did you get all of this off?
Lex: You’re a surprisingly sound sleeper.
Clark: *rubbing head* B-But there’s just one little tuft left!
Lex: * shaves tuft* Yoink! Now there isn’t! I’m so cunning and EVOL!
Clark: *quietly terrified* If you want the hair, take it. Just get out of here.
*Lex scoops the hair up and into a sealable bag. He leaves and Clark dials the phone*
Clark: It’s Clark. Yeah Lois, I’m sorry to interrupt your late night drinking, but could you put Chloe on? Okay. Hi Chloe. I know what time it is, but could you get over here? Something really scary just happened, I need you and- and I don’t want Lois to see me. Thanks, really, and I’ll explain once you’re over here. But promise not to laugh, okay?

*Luthor mansion, 10am*
MaybeMercy: Le- Mr Luthor? Are you here?
Lex: It took me all night, but I did it!
MaybeMercy: Did what? *sees him* Oh god.
*Lex has glued the clumps of Clark hair to his scalp*
Lex: Once I reattached my rightful hair, I began to recover my superstrength! Look!
*He lifts a dumbbell*
MaybeMercy: *murmurs* Eh, might as well make the best of things. *loudly* That’s amazing, sir. You could test it even further and see if you’re able to lift me and hold me in your arms.
Lex: *does so* Easy!
MaybeMercy: Okay, but could you carry me all the way into the master bedroom, close the door and over to the bed without putting me down once?
Lex: Nothing is impossible for Lexson!
*Lex starts carrying MaybeMercy to the bedroom*
MaybeMercy: Lexson, that sounds nice, you should get a costume. How do you feel about leather and bare-chested?





This one’s actually a crossover skit. It also parodies Ghost Whisperer. In fact, most of the parodying is of Ghost Whisperer. Lex isn’t so insane in this one. Whatever, have fun.


*Luthor Mansion. There’s a knock on the door*

Lex: Come in.

*A brunette enters the room*

Lex: Who are you?

Woman: *nervous* My name’s Melinda Gordon, I run an antiques shop in a neighboring town, and uh, I need to see you about something. *apologetic* Security just stared at my chest and let me pass.

Lex: I’m a busy man, what do you need to see me about?

Melinda: Your father died recently?

Lex: You could have answered that by reading the front page.

Melinda: What about your assistant, her name was Mercy?

Lex: I prefer to call her a minion, but correct.

Melinda: Right. I have a message for you from them.

Lex: Hurry up then.
Melinda: *hesitant* Well, they’re actually in the room with us and…

Lex: You can see and hear their ghosts?

Melinda: Yes.

Lex: Okay.

Melinda: That’s it?

Lex: What do you want me to say?

Melinda: Normally this is the part where I get kicked out. Don’t you think it sounds too weird to be true?

Lex: Meh. In Smallville, we get much weirder every week.

Melinda: You do? But I like being special!

Lex: I’m sure. Since they’re the reason you came here, can we get back to the ghosts now?

Melinda: Okay. Before I start, be aware that you’re receiving a very special service in that I’m not paraphrasing everything. Because they saw me do this before and Gina told me if I tried that she would drive a railroad spike through my head. *listens* Your father says that although he tried his hardest to raise you well, you’re evil through and through… and um, no power on earth could save your soul.

Lex: Oh great, thanks, Dad. I always appreciate your commentary.

Melinda: And your assistant-

Lex: Minion!

Melinda: Your minion would like to remind you that your father is a cruel and sadistic man. It’s annoying she died before she got with you. *pauses to listen* But she’s all good, because cruel and sadistic men are her type and it turns out ghost sex is…great. Really, really, great.

And the telekinesis makes it a whole new ball game.

Lex: I was quite happy being kept in the dark on that last sentence. *pauses* Are you crying? Why are you-

Melinda: I’m just so EMPATHETIC AND COMPASSIONATE that I always get tears in my eyes during these talks. Because it’s all so VERY TOUCHING to someone as EMPATHETIC AND COMPASSIONATE as me.

Lex: We’re talking about ghost sex and EVOL!ness. How is that touching?
Melinda: You just don’t understand. You must not be EMPATHETIC AND COMPASSIONATE enough.

Lex: I’d expect not. I’m too EVOL!

Melinda: *staring past him* Excuse me a minute. Lionel, Gina, could you two do that in another room? It’s very distracting. And… naked.

*they wait for the ghosts leave the room*
Melinda: Now, there’s one more matter to clear up. Your father said you’d shoved him out a window.
Lex: Damn right. And it felt gooood. Then it felt bad. Then I somehow managed to set my conscience on fire and it felt good again.

Melinda: *shocked* You really murdered your own father?!

Lex: Didn’t you know that already?

Melinda: *starting to cry for real* B-b-but normally the ghosts are just confused and it turns out it was just a horrible accident!

Lex: Nope.

Melinda: A-and the talk w-will be all love and sunshine and the g-ghosts happily go into the l-l-light!

Lex: Your naivety is pathetic yet amusing. Please continue.

Melinda: *absolutely sobbing* Y-y-you’re so m-m-mean! We’re a-all supposed t-to be g-getting warm and f-f-fuzzy feelings right now! I’m g-going to t-t-tell everyone you k-killed your father!

*she runs from the room*

Lex: *yells* Mercy? Ghost Mercy? Could you get in here for a second? I have one last assignment. I think you’ll really enjoy this one.

*That night, Lex is watching the news*

Newscaster:…Earlier today a young woman was killed in a freak accident at a train crossing. Authorities don’t know all the details yet, but apparently she was in her car when something caused a loose railroad spike to be propelled off he tracks. It went in the driver’s window and straight through her head. Since this is the late-night news, we can show these extremely graphic photos of the body. And since we’re openly assholes we can set it to rock music and make it a montage. Cool, huh?

*Pictures of Melinda with spike coming out either side of her head as The Killers play*

Lex: Best. Montage. Ever. Mwahahahahahaha!

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Smallville’s Lois & Lana: The braindead and the braindeadening

April 12, 2008 at 11:31 pm (tv misc) (, , , , )

Hey folks. There was a most delightful episode of Smallville recently. James Masters, because he is awesome, found a way to make Lana’s brain even more dead and facial expression even more blank. Amazing, I know. The best part is that it stuck, so we’ve got some more braindead Lana to laugh at. Then Lois and Jimmy wrangled gardener disguises [and an office plant taller than I am] to ambush Lionel for an interview, and he basically called Lois a dumb shit, and Jimmy silently agreed. I did some parodying dialogue. Any text in bold is quoted dialogue from the show, not anything I’ve written. Oh, and in the first parody I made Brainiac [JM] talk more like Spike, which is why his language is out of character.

ETA: Improved the last one.


Clark: You made Lana braindead!
Brainiac: Damn straight. Impressively allegorical, is it not?
Clark: If you wanted Kara you should have taken it up with me, not involved other people. Except her, I guess. I’m confused.
Brainiac: Good lord, mollusc, did you actually think it had anything to do with me wanting Kara?
Clark: Well, yeah…
Brainiac: Nah. Bitch just irritaited me, so I took her out, ‘cause that’s how I roll. Then I felt like some boiled eggs. Not my fault if she’s too dumb to wear oven mitts.
Clark: Yes it is, you made her that way!
Brainiac: Eh, petty details.
Clark: Wait, you can eat?
Brainiac: Yeah, kinda. Guy who built me loved Terminator II, so he ripped it off when making me.
Clark: How did Dax-Ur see Terminator II?
Brainiac: Whenever a Kryptonian would visit earth, they would bring back a bunch of movies and make a fortune pirating them. Except for ET. Wussiest non-human ever. *looks at Clark* Second wussiest.
Clark: *doesn’t get it* Poor ET. So how do you eat again?
Brainiac: I stick my liquid metal sword arm into whatever I want to eat or drink, and it just sucks all the nutrients and tasty stuff out of it. You should see sausages after I’m done with ‘em, man. They’re all shrivelled and tiny and gross, but so nice to eat.
Clark: I know exactly what you mean. Can you unbraindead Lana?
Brainiac: No.
Clark: Okay. Wanna go have some beers?
Brainiac: Only if they’re followed by sausages, mate.
Clark: Sounds excellent, my friend.


Clark: You made Lana’s eyes go cloudy!
Brainiac: Uh, yes. Notice anything else off about her?
Clark: She can write without looking down.
Brainiac: Yes, that too. But those are mere side effects of something larger I did.
Clark: Fell in love with her?
Brainiac: *shudders* Definetly not.
Clark: Well, I am kind of paranoid about that after Zod, Bizarro, Lex, Jason, Adam, me, and approximately half of Smallville.
Brainiac: Fair enough. But haven’t you noticed a lack of facial expressions, or a certain zombie-like charm?
Clark: *shrugs* No more than usual.
Brainiac: Come on, mollusc. Isn’t there anything different?
Clark: Well, she hasn’t been passive-aggressively bitching me out as much, and I haven’t had to rescue her for several whole hours.
Brainiac: Amazing.
Clark: So, you made her nicer and more capable?
Brainiac: Apparently.
Clark: Gee, thanks! It seems I misjudged you. Sorry about throwing you through a wall before. I thought you were evil.
Brainiac: Ah, that’s okay. And sorry about trying to bring Zod back a couple of years ago. I thought he wasn’t evil.
Clark: We all make mistakes.
Brainiac: Now, I have an idea on how to restore Krypton, and I need Kara’s help.
Clark: Whatever you need. I’ll just go tell her now. See you later!
*Clark zips off*
Brainiac: Well, that worked out even better than planned.


*Six weeks after Brainiac made Lana braindead*
Kara: Clark, do you think Lana’s acting a little weird?
Clark: Well, she’s giving us both the silent treatment, and she seems to be spending a lot of time boiling water.
*They walk past the kitchen, where Lana stands boiling the water, covered in a fine layer of mould*
Clark: You don’t think something’s wrong, do you?


Lois: It’s kinda hard to swim after you’ve been shot.
*Jimmy very obviously stares at her boobs and eventually looks back at the computer after she notices*

AA: *Watching at home* They. Left. That. In? THEY LEFT THAT IN?! I don’t care if they have to cut Micheal or Allison, I am so getting a bonus next season.

Lionel: Very resourceful. Did you two actually rent costumes from a costume shop and attempt to use them as disguises?
Lois: *proudly* Yep.
Lionel: Did the decrotive office plant come with them?
Jimmy: Unfortunetly no. Then we tried to get one from work, but we got caught as we were dragging it through advertising. So we had to get one from the nursery 15 blocks away and drag it all the way here.
Lois: And up six flights of stairs since someone is still afraid of elevators.
Jimmy: Well, it wouldn’t fit in there anyway…
Lois: Then we dropped the plant a few times on the staircase, and since it’s one of those spiral ones it just kept going.
Lionel: Really. How long did all of this take?
Lois: Oh, the whole day.
Lionel: Mm-hmmm. How much did it cost, I wonder.
Jimmy: Ummm, give me sec… If we split it, we basically just spent our paychecks.
Lois: But we don’t have to worry about that since we’re not getting any for two months. Lucky, huh?
Lionel: There’s always a bright side.
Lois: Damn right. Lex mistook the attempted plant borrowing as attempted plant stealing so he had to “punish,” us. We sure showed him!
Lionel: I’m glad my son chose a completely legal way to penalize you for your wrongdoing…
Jimmy: Perceived wrongdoing.
Lois: Percieved, attempted wrongdoing.
Lionel:…And I don’t imagine for a second he would simply be using the oppotunity to get free labour from you for two months and then find a reason to fire you anyway. Now, why did you ambush me again?
Lois: You know, I’m sure we had a good reason, but by now I really can’t remember.
Jimmy: Me neither. So, leaving, I guess.
Lionel: Farewell then. *dials mobile* I want you to send flowers to the Swann family, I imagine you saw the article on the front page.
Lois: Wait, that’s it! We came to get you to tell us all about how you ordered Patricia Swann dead! And we needed disguises because you wouldn’t take a press release with me if your life depended on it.
Lionel: What makes you think I’d respond better to an ambush?
Jimmy: This is your chance to tell the truth.
Lois: Before you’re put away for murder.

Lionel: Why would someone put me away for murder on no evidence?
Lois: A confession is evidence!
Lionel: Why would I confess?
Jimmy: This is your chance to tell the truth.
Lois: Before you’re put away for murder.
Lionel: *hiding glee* Did you rehearse this?
Jimmy: No. Definetly not. Never.
Lionel: Alright. Let us pretend for a moment I did order her death. I haven’t been convicted, as far as I know I’m not even a suspect. No sensible person would use this oppotunity to confess when otherwise they would stay out of jail.
Lois: What are you even talking about?
Lionel:…And you haven’t provided an explanation as to why I would respond to an ambush or why you couldn’t ambush me by walking right in like everybody else.
Jimmy: Well, we worked so hard on it…
Lionel: Puppy eyes and a trembling voice will not force a false confession out of me.
Lois: Oookay then. Uh, do you want a free plant?
Lionel: No. My security will lead you out now.
*Three security guards walk in, two lead the dynamic duo out as Lionel beckons one to stay behind for a minute*
Lionel: Before letting them out, say you have to search them. Find a reason to confiscate the hats and the plant receipt. And put a bug on one, I want to listen in on the confrontations with the shopkeepers.
Guard: Yes sir. Why didn’t you have us stop them on the way in, sir?
Lionel: Although I sadly didn’t get to take advantage of the one time your team noticed intruders – even if it was because they took 5 hours getting in with that plant – I didn’t want to miss the entertainments that come out of two riled-up, determined idiots who are obviously addicted to That’s So Raven.
Guard: Ah.







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A very…interesting… theory about Jericho

February 26, 2008 at 12:29 pm (tv misc) (, , , )

Ooookay.  I found this hilariously ridiculous theory about Jericho. I’ve heard hilariously ridiculous theories before, but usually they’re  just sarcastic. This one was completely serious. You know what? It’s taking the title of the Most Hilariously Ridiculous Jericho Theory I Have Ever Heard. Be honoured, new theory. Be honoured.
In a response to someone else, the theorist decided that they didn’t understand the “j/h light thing.” The reason for this is that Heather is “homely.” Yeah, Homely=Dark doesn’t make sense to me either. But it does to our theorist, so lets move on. Okay, the comment about Heather being homely is one that has been posted many times, each time by, of course, our theorist. Believe it or not, it does have some sort of explanation. He thinks she’s homely because in Reconstruction, she ate the burger like she’s never eaten before. Which doesn’t really make sense either… But never mind! Moving on, because this is where the new Most Hilariously Ridiculous Jericho Theory I Have Ever Heard champion comes in. Seriously folks, I read it and was on my bed muffling my laughter in a pillow for literally ten minutes.
Now, millions of people saw Heather eat that burger like she’d never eaten before, and from what I’ve seen, what almost everyone got out of it was that she hadn’t had half-decent food in a while. We’ve heard how bad things are outside Jericho, after all. But without further ado, our theorist took it to mean that Heather is a bulimic and will toss said burger up later. Excuse me, I have to go laugh into the pillow again just writing that down.
I doubt there is a person here who will understand why this is conclusive evidence of bulimia, or why it is a better theory than “Heather’s been away and hasn’t had any good food for ages.” However, we don’t posess the brilliant detective mind of our theorist. I mean, this is the guy who uncovered the secret that Heather is a spy for New Bern! If we can’t trust him, who can we trust?
You know, it occured to me that many of you may want to hear his brilliant deduction first-hand. So I took the liberty of copying and pasting it over here. Educate yourselves upon these wise words:
I just don’t get this j/h light thing….that is about the dumbest thing they could come up with…..I mean what light….she looks homely in the ep that she was in….ate the burger like she has never eaten before….like she’s one of those chicks that eats and throws up later kinda chick….geez what do we have her Little Miss Fixit is a wreck and for sure a spy for new bern……
Oh my god. I just realised something. You know who else eats like they’ve never eaten before? Small children and teenage boys. It’s an international conspiracy of eating disorders. Thank god our heroic theorist exposed it to us. You know what, people? We should start another campaign, for him to get a medal. How else would we know of the secret plight that 90% of small children and teenage boys suffer through?
Folks, I hope this was as fun to read as it was to write. May we all pray that our theorist will keep churning out new theories for me to make fun of.

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