C Me Dance – A trailer so unbelievably shitty, you HAVE to watch it.

April 12, 2009 at 12:46 pm (movies) (, )

Seriously. Just look at it. I had to check three movie websites before I could be convinced it was neither an intentionally so-bad-it’s-funny movie nor a joke trailer. I mean, it’s presented by Uplifting Entertainment, for God’s sake! Oh, right, better not use the Lord’s name in vain. It’s presented by Uplifting Entertainment, for fuck’s sake!

But it is a real movie, it isn’t supposed to be bad or funny at all, and it really is presented by this “Uplifting Entertainment.” Okay, let’s break it down.

1. How awful is the acting? My favourite part is when she blankly stares straight into the camera and says “It’s… Him.” Dear Unnamed Deity, could someone teach this girl how to deliver her lines with something resembling proper emotion? She sounds like she’s reading them straight off a card.

2. The plot.  So there’s this girl, and she loves dancing, and then she gets cancer, and then she’s been chosen by God and can make people get visions of Jesus, and she uses this to start converting everyone, and then this pisses off the devil, and so he comes  after her, and it turns into a horror movie, and her dad fistfights Satan on the lawn, and then she fights Satan off herself with The Power Of Ballet. And then, hopefully, dies.

See, I just can’t see how this got any sort of backing. If director/producer/writer/actor Greg Robbins had come to me looking for any help on this idea, I would have either thought he was high as a kite, or started backing away from the crazy man.

3. The captions. Okay, to get them all together: A GENTLE ART… FROM A GENTLE SOUL… WILL CHANGE HEARTS… WITH A SINGLE TOUCH… WILL FACE EVIL.

Not only is it sappy and cliche-ridden, it doesn’t even make sense. That they couldn’t even make the freaking captions in the trailer make sense is a simple, stupid mistake I haven’t seen on that scale onscreen since I watched “Manos” The Hands Of Fate, wherein they forgot the opening credits to the movie.

4. The direction. You know what the way this movie is shot resembles? It looks like a crappy student film. I saw a lot of student films a couple of weeks ago, and this honestly was just the sort of direction the bad ones had.

 

I am just dying to see this. There are films that are so-bad-it’s-good, and then, once in a great while, there are films that are so-bad-it’s-fucking-legendary. This looks like it might be one of the rare cases of the latter.

Here’s the movie’s website, for anyone interested. This was my favourite part, from the synopsis page.

“Marketing Note: This movie is a chick flick with a manifested menacing devil. This will attract a wide demo of men and women.”

Riiiight. Sure it will. And also, what the fuck? Weirdest marketing note ever.

 

So, what did y’all think of the trailer? Did it blow your mind, with it’s amazing ability to suck beyond belief?

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I saw The Descent 2 trailer.

February 18, 2009 at 12:54 am (movies)

They’ve taken it down now, though. Anyway, I’m sort of glad to say that now I’m officially not interested. I’d slowly gotten my hopes up that it might be good, and now at least the ambiguity is over.

Shauna Mac and Natalie Mendoza will probably turn in some really good performances again, and I do like that they’re apparently keeping up the idea that Sarah might have imagined the crawlers. In fact, I would even say her part of the story pre-crawlers actually looks decent. Apart from that, this appears to be a shallow splatter flick. Once the film kicks into gear, we might get a some nice directing, but I seriously doubt we’ll get good writing. Just a feeling.

If it surprises me big time and gets quite good reviews, and recommendations from fellow fans of the first movie, I’ll go see it. However, if it holds to the bad-to-mediocre impression I’ve gotten from spoilers, promotional pictures and that trailer, no fucking way. Especially not since it changes canon by bringing two original characters back.

I’ll post the trailer once it appears they’ve stopped feverently deleting them all from Youtube.

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Someday Jigsaw will put me in a death trap for not appreciating his movies enough.

November 21, 2008 at 4:17 pm (movies) (, , , )

Saw V came out last month. I haven’t seen it and I don’t want to. Actually, this post is on why I dislike the franchise.

 

I do have to compliment them for managing to convey the plot so cleverly in this poster, though.

I do have to compliment them for managing to convey the plot so cleverly in this poster, though.

Major spoilers for the first movie and minor ones for the second ahead.

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How much does it cost to make Edward Cullen sparkle?

November 19, 2008 at 3:31 am (movies) (, , , , , )

 

The Twilight movie is coming out in a couple of days for you Americans, so I guess it’s time to do another post. To celebrate, or whatever. I’ve been taking a look at what director Catherine Hardwicke has been saying about the budget. Basically, she’s been doing more than her fair share of whinging about how low it is. Anyway, I figured it would be an interesting little exercise to see if she was right, and might help with budgetary issues when I have to make short films for Media next year. Yaaaaaay, education!

 

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I want to be English today.

November 9, 2008 at 3:11 am (misc., movies) (, , , , )

The choice of TV and movies in Australia sucks hard. For a start, most programs and movies start airing here long after they have in the States. More importantly, quite a bit of stuff just doesn’t get released here, period. That “limited release,” thing? Either I’m going to the wrong cinemas, or we just don’t have that here. So practically everything you get in limited release doesn’t arrive Down Under at all.

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Arachnid; wherein Beth smashes a gigantic spider, proving her awesomeness forever.

October 31, 2008 at 12:28 am (movies) (, , , , )

 Hmm, to describe this movie. A tropical island is full of giant spiders running amok. And they’re actually from outer space. Yes, it’s that kind of movie, and it sounds awesomely funny.

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Reacting to the final Twilight trailer.

October 22, 2008 at 1:28 pm (movies) (, , , )

So, here’s what I thought of/during the final Twilight trailer, which is the movie of the hugely-popular-amongst-teenage-girls book series that intrests me through an odd mixture of so-bad-it’s-good and bile fascination. I do genuinely like several of the secondary characters, but then, my standards for liking a character are pretty damn low. If you want to know what it’s about, watch the trailer, it gives a pretty good idea. It doesn’t mention that her new vampire boyfriend sparkles, though, or that before they were together he was stalking her, or that due to her weirdly floral smelling blood, every second he was near her he was desperately tempted to eat her making his stalking even worse, or that when he kisses her she faints or that the other time he kissed her, her heart literally skipped a beat. No joke. Anyway, here we go.

 

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Review of 28 Weeks Later.

September 29, 2008 at 1:48 pm (movies) (, )

The Infected are coming… Here’s the review.

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Disaster Movie “review.”

September 7, 2008 at 11:40 pm (movies) (, )

This isn’t even out in Australia yet – and I certainly won’t be seeing it when it is – but it’s only appropriate that my spoof review of their spoof movie is based purely off the poster and trailer, considering that that’s their modus operandi too. So, without further ado:

Disaster Movie is one of the most ground-breaking parodies of all time. It’s right up there with The Rocky Picture Show, Airplane! and Frankenfish*. It puts inferior spoofs like Mars Attacks and Slither** to shame. It’s misfortunate that all the haters and critics can’t get past the pop culture references to see that Disaster Movie has so many layers. Why do you think it only spoofed movies that were so mainstream? It’s because it was actually critisizing it’s target demographic for blindly worshipping these films that are so often shallow when there are projects of much higher quality and depth utterly failing to even recoup the budget. God, everyone is just missing the point of this film!

Almost every aspect of this fine movie was making a statement. For example, the “Enchanted,” costume tells us via hugely overpuffed shoulders that the inflation of our society’s egos were simply ridiculous and that our constant attempts to appear more attractive often end up simply being cumbersome and sometimes just look unnatural and absurd anyway – take botched plastic surgeries. Or the fight between “Carrie,” and “Juno.” Geez, a fight between a upper-class high-fashion New Yorker and a pregnant teenager. Sound like a class war much?

The acting, script, cinematography – all beautiful. If there wasn’t such prejudice against comedies, I’d expect this to win multiple Oscars. If it doesn’t at least get nominated, I’ll be sure to be outside protesting.

On the other hand, I love Disaster Movie [obviously] and am planning to see it at least three more times. And get the DVD, of course. I hadn’t seen Date Movie, Epic Movie, or Meet The Spartans before because everyone said they were so bad, but now I’ll have to get those DVDs too and check them out. Based on this one and it’s reception, I suspect they are also highly underrated.

*Frankenfish isn’t actually a parody at all, it’s just a really crappy movie. But the premises are similar enough that if you think of it as a parody of Jaws, it works well enough.

**Slither is a parody, and it’s my favourite comedy, just because I don’t want anyone thinking that I don’t love it like a fuzzy puppy.

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Baghead and his Dollfaces play with Liv Tyler.

August 17, 2008 at 7:17 am (movies) (, , )

The Strangers just came out here. It was pretty good. I’d kinda like to see it again with an audience that enjoyed it more and reacted more to see if it scares me even more under those circumstances, but there are other things to see and I’ve only gone to The Dark Knight once, so priorities, you know?

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