I saw The Descent 2 trailer.

February 18, 2009 at 12:54 am (movies)

They’ve taken it down now, though. Anyway, I’m sort of glad to say that now I’m officially not interested. I’d slowly gotten my hopes up that it might be good, and now at least the ambiguity is over.

Shauna Mac and Natalie Mendoza will probably turn in some really good performances again, and I do like that they’re apparently keeping up the idea that Sarah might have imagined the crawlers. In fact, I would even say her part of the story pre-crawlers actually looks decent. Apart from that, this appears to be a shallow splatter flick. Once the film kicks into gear, we might get a some nice directing, but I seriously doubt we’ll get good writing. Just a feeling.

If it surprises me big time and gets quite good reviews, and recommendations from fellow fans of the first movie, I’ll go see it. However, if it holds to the bad-to-mediocre impression I’ve gotten from spoilers, promotional pictures and that trailer, no fucking way. Especially not since it changes canon by bringing two original characters back.

I’ll post the trailer once it appears they’ve stopped feverently deleting them all from Youtube.

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Smallville: Wherein Nutsy The Squirrel gives Alien Farmboy an adventure.

February 10, 2009 at 9:39 am (Uncategorized) (, )

If you can’t tell from the title, this particular Smallville parody is going to be a strange one. Not as strange as the one where Clark mourns his lost love Lex Luthor in a rewritten version of Sarah Silverman’s awesome “I’m Fucking Matt Damon,” song, because there honestly isn’t much in the way of “Smallville parodies,” that could beat that for weirdness unless I started snorting crack before writing these. Although it might surprise some people to learn that I wasn’t already.

 squirrelfacelana1

So, previously on Smallville. Lana made a lot of rodent-like faces and stole the nuts off all her boyfriends, earning her the nickname “Squirrel.” She also wore a lot of pink. Clark and Lana moped about how they were so in love. Lana disappeared. Lex disappeared. Lois fell in love with Clark. Lana reappeared. Lex reappeared. Lana got a skin treatment that gave her superstrength, superspeed, and invunerability like Clark. Clark and Lana kissed. Clark and Lana had bed-breaking superstrength sex. The world gagged. Lana absorbed a bigass Kryptonite bomb made by Lex, in his big grand scheme to make Clark break up with his girlfriend. Yeah, keep dreaming big, Lex. Anyway, Clark decides that this is reason enough to murder Lex, and Lana has to talk him out of it. Lex dies anyway. They go back to the farm, Clark makes himself kiss her one more time, gets to experience the same amount pain from being around Lana that the audience feels, and she leaves. I rejoice and celebrate with a weird parody.

One week after Requiem.

Clark: *dials phone* Hi Lois, it’s me. Would you like to come over and try something? It’s a little kinky.
Lois: You know I’m always open to new… experiences.

Lois: So you’re the superpowered alien pretending to be a Kansas farmboy…
Clark: Right.
Lois: …And I’m Nutsy The Squirrel.
Clark: But not just any squirrel. Nutsy is the kindest, purest, most beautiful squirrel to ever live!
Lois: Riiight. If I’m a rodent in a tree, do I really have to wear all this pink?
Clark: Yes! The pink is essential!
Lois: Alright, but this better be some really hot roleplaying, Kent.
Clark: Trust me, it will be. Could we start?
Lois: *monotone* Oh Alien Farmboy, I’ve just realised you’ve been lying to me again. This makes me angry and confused.
Clark: And angsty. Don’t forget that, angst is the most important part of this roleplay.
Lois: Why are they angsting that they love each other so much?
Clark: Because they are. Please, would you just trust me? Don’t forget to whisper and tear up.
Lois: Kent…
Clark: Alien Farmboy!
Lois:…Alien Farmboy, is crying during sex really such a turn-on for you?
Clark: Sex? Don’t be ridiculous, Nutsy the Squirrel and Alien Farmboy aren’t going to have sex.
Lois: Huh?
Clark: They can’t.
Lois: Huh?
Clark: He would crush her with his superstrength, duh.
Lois: Hmm. So if they don’t go as far as sex, they’ll be okay.
Clark: *earnest* Yep. They can still kiss, when his Secrets! and Lies! aren’t getting in the way.
Lois: Well we have to go further than that. I suppose we could kiss somewhere other than the mouth.
Clark: W-w-what?
Lois: Or even sex would probably be okay so long as it wasn’t in the missionary position.
Clark: There are other positions?
Lois: God, do you have a lot to learn. Tell you what, how about we get on with the roleplay, Alien Farmboy, and I’ll show you?

*Next morning*
Jimmy answers a knock on he door.
Jimmy: Clark?
Clark: I-is C-Chloe here? I need to t-t-talk to her.
Chloe: Clark, wha- oh no.
Jimmy: What?
Chloe: That’s the “Unexperienced guy who slept with Lois” look. Very stunned, very scared, and all innocence lost. You just sit him down on the couch, I’ll go see if there’s any morning-after-Lois whisky left.

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