Reacting to the final Twilight trailer.

October 22, 2008 at 1:28 pm (movies) (, , , )

So, here’s what I thought of/during the final Twilight trailer, which is the movie of the hugely-popular-amongst-teenage-girls book series that intrests me through an odd mixture of so-bad-it’s-good and bile fascination. I do genuinely like several of the secondary characters, but then, my standards for liking a character are pretty damn low. If you want to know what it’s about, watch the trailer, it gives a pretty good idea. It doesn’t mention that her new vampire boyfriend sparkles, though, or that before they were together he was stalking her, or that due to her weirdly floral smelling blood, every second he was near her he was desperately tempted to eat her making his stalking even worse, or that when he kisses her she faints or that the other time he kissed her, her heart literally skipped a beat. No joke. Anyway, here we go.


00:10 What is with that music?

00:20 Still with the same music, and the titling… Seriously, it’s sparkly teen vampire romance, stop being so melodramatic. No, wait, I take it back. I just remembered it’s ridiculous to stop asking anything remotely related to Twilight to stop with the melodrama. But could that goddamn music shut the hell up anyway?

00:35 Thank god.

00:46 Heeee. Edward climbs the tree exactly the way my kitty does. How cute! Is he going to run out of steam and cling there looking crazy too? Although it’s really dangerous and stupid to give Bella a piggyback up while doing so – she spent most of her time in the book in various states of only partial conciousness or dizziness [my theory is she was stoned the whole time and just never mentioned it] and if she lets go, there would be no way to save her, even if Eddykins wanted to do something like that. As opposed to living the dream and feasting on his ready made gigantic freesia-scented meaty Bella pancake.

00:48 What, she thinks he’s got a kryptonite infection? I don’t know how common that is in other incarnations of Superman, but that’s how most Smallville villains get their start. I so wish they would have a crossover episode with Eddykins as the “villain.” It would be so-bad-it’s-fucking-awesome.

00:54 Um, Edward? People are staring, and it’s probably because of how badly those sunglasses go on you. Might want to wipe that smirk off your face, dude. You look like a tool.

1:03 So what, is he perfect at soccer now, too? Gawd, how many skills does he need?

1:15 Bella thinks trees don’t exist. Told you she was stoned.

1:26 “You don’t know how long I’ve waited for you.” No, that was Alice with Jasper, twerp. She’s the one who can see the future, remember? You just realized that the new girl at school smelt really good [like freesia!] and without her knowledge, decided to go break into her house every night to watch her sleep, until she saved you the trouble by just agreeing to be your girlfriend.

1:34 Mmm, shirtless James is goooood.

1:36 Darling Eddykins is randomly up in a tree throwing a snit. Ha!

1:46 Uh, trailer, maybe leave a little plot unspoiled.

1:48 Oh god. Kids, this is not an example of a healthy relationship and Bella is not much of a role model, ‘kay? If you have to “stay away” as Bella says, from your boyfriend or girlfriend, dying is still a pretty bad option. Try chocolate and friends, and if you’re genuinely depressed, maybe get some professional help. Although chocolate and friends are still nice to have around too. Getting off soapbox… now.

1:58 Seriously trailer, just the tiniest smidgen of plot. Okay, I know that there wasn’t really much of it in the book, but telling the people who haven’t read that everything that happens doesn’t really give them the strongest motivation to go see the movie.

2:02 Never mind, if Edward’s shown up the whole thing’s spoiled anyway. Everyone who sees this knows that he’ll rescue her, and then there’s nothing left. And he still looks really strange doing his little spin crouch.

2:18 They made the title sparkle! Bwahahahahaha! Awesome. Who came up with that idea? I want to send them flowers. Or glitter, whatever.


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