Twilight parodies! Whee!

September 19, 2008 at 3:24 pm (misc.) (, , , , , )

 

 If you have no idea what Twilight is, you can look it up on Wikipedia or go to the post right before this one.

Ahem. These are both based on the excerpt of New Moon [haven’t read the book] that was at the back of Twilight. Bella had a nightmare where she was old and Edward was young, Bella was miserable because now she was18 and Edward was 104 17, Bella went to the Cullen’s house for her fantabulous Alice-prepared party and was an ungrateful little turd [heeee] about it, Bella got a paper cut and Jasper was unable to restrain himself and tried to attack her only to be stopped by Edward who also threw her out of the way into a bunch of crystal plates so she got even more cut up, like nice work, perfect boy. Now, parodies.

 

Okay, so the first one here is based on the “what if?” thought that Rosalie saw her opportunity to get rid of a problem and took it.

 

Rosalie: Wow, Edward, I am so sorry that I ran past you and Jasper and ate Bella. I know, I thought I had better control too. It’s very upsetting, I really got to like her in the eight seconds since I’d thought about my seething hatred. Oh, and you were right by the way, she does taste excellent. Like a tender cut of prime rump, with some sort of delicious sauce – it was a little disconcerting that she still smelled of freesia, like I was eating flowers made of meat.

*licks finger as Edward sobs*

Mmm… disconcerting but delectable.

*wiggling her bloody digits under Edward’s nose*

Maybe you could have a taste, so the deliciousness could cheer you up. Come on, please don’t be like that. It’s not like it can make her any deader, so no harm done. Alright, you have it your way Mr Sulky. Huh, look, there’s a bright side – we won’t have to worry about the bloodstains, not with Jasper there sucking them all out of the carpet. Isn’t that nice, Edward? You won’t have to look at the remains of your pathetic human girlfriend every day? You should make sure you thank Jasper for that. Oh, hello Esme. Um, I’ve been trying to comfort Edward but he just won’t stop making sobbing sounds, it’s very annoying. Could you take over? Thanks, I need to go immortalize this day in my diary, maybe have hot “I just snacked on my brother’s girlfriend,” sex with Emmett… I hear that’s the best kind.

 

 

 

This one is supposed to be the conversation she and Edward had on the drive to his house. And I really don’t have anything against old people, don’t take their views as my own or come after me with wiffle-ball bats, ‘kay?

 

Bella: Oh Edward, I had the most horrible nightmare.

Edward: Mmm?

Bella: I was there, and you were there, and I was OLD! I had white hair! And wrinkles! And a stoop!

Edward: Well, that’s a long time away…

Bella: That’s what they want you to think! I woke up and looked in the mirror, and I had all these big age spots. It was awful!

Edward: Uh, I didn’t want to tell you, but those are pimples, sweetheart. They’re… enourmous.

Bella: *ignoring him*…And I was thinking, you don’t have any age spots and you’re never going to get any! We’ll be like TomKat magnified! Of course, I don’t mind the micromanaging and possessiveness, but the age difference is so gross!

Edward: Thaaanks.

Bella: But you don’t look it! No one scratches their eyes out when we make out in public!

Edward: We don’t make out. Ever. You faint or attack me when I peck you, if we tried making out we’d get four seconds in before you stab me with a kitchen knife and go into cardiac arrest.

Bella: It doesn’t matter! How will I feel knowing that you are not just hundreds, but millions of times more beautiful than I am?

Edward: Avoid reflective surfaces?

Bella: Please be serious and help me!
Edward: Well then, do you think you’ll still smell of freesia when you’re old?
Bella: Probably more like knitting and dentures. *sobs*

Edward: What would you say the chances are of me being able to read your mind by then?
Bella: *in “gush” mode* Oh Edward, I’m sure you’ll have figured it out by then, because you’re my brilliant talented perfect angelic godlike superpowered boyfriend.

Edward: That’s sweet, and I’ve solved your problem.
Bella: You have? See, that’s what I mean! You are so brilliant and talented and perfect and angelic and godlike and superpowered!

Edward: Yes, I know. Now, we’ve established that by the time you’re elderly, you’ll have lost your enticing freesia-scented goodness and your resistance to my mind-reading that so arouses my curiousity, and your looks, yes?

Bella: *quietly* Yes…

Edward: Then you won’t have anything to hold my everlasting love any longer! I’ll take right off when you hit forty-five, problem solved!

Bella: *gaping* Yo- you’ll leave?! Can’t you love my personality or something?
Edward: You have a personality?
Bella: I don’t know, just assuming I do, then…

Edward: …Then that “loving someone for what’s on the inside,” stuff will still be falsities made up by ugly people who were probably old themselves. Loving someone for their personality – Bella, I thought you understood that was all nonsense.

Bella: *sighs* You’re right, I was just grasping at straws. Sorry.

Edward: That’s quite all right.

Bella: No, it isn’t all right. I love you because of your dazzling beauty and voice that sounds like honey would if spreads could talk – it’s not fair to expect you to achieve the impossible. When I reach forty-five, you go. I’ve worked out a perfectly viable life plan to deal with the situation.

Edward: Let’s hear it then.

Bella: I’ll simultaneously become a crazy cat lady and go into a zombie-like state. Like someone who throws cats at people and then eats their brains while they’re distracted.

Edward:

Bella:…

Edward: I say, can’t you turn on the damn darn radio or something?

 

 

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9 Comments

  1. Aly said,

    Dude…
    This is soo funny 😀

  2. missbittens said,

    I’m glad you find it so, and thankyou very much for the compliment.

  3. omnomnomy said,

    *laughs hysterically*

    so true~
    when are the characters going to develop personalities anyway?

  4. missbittens said,

    Never. After Breaking Dawn, they shall go on being empty shells for all of eternity.

  5. Wouldn't you like 2 know... said,

    Okay, i luv twilight, but these were hilarious! And Breaking Dawn stank! (pouts).

  6. Luca’s Twilight Comic « Seriously? TV. said,

    […] of mine does some drawing, and I came up with an idea for a Twilight spoof. I’ve done a couple in writing only, but this wouldn’t work unless it was a visual gag, and in any case if I drew it, they would […]

  7. Brit:) said,

    ummmm, wouldnt you like 2 know you dont know what youre talking about or you dont have good taste or your just crazy because breaking dawn was awesome:)
    -no offense really but it was UH-MAZ-ING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:):):):):):):):)

  8. Brit:) said,

    by the way the parodies were funny.
    i forgot to include that. But great job anyways:):):):)
    but i love the twilight series and i just had to point that out in my other comment!

  9. Carol said,

    haha, these were pretty funny. ;p especially the new moon one.

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