Clark got hired at the Daily Planet. Time to mock Smallville.

July 9, 2008 at 1:32 pm (Uncategorized) (, , )

I’ve got two more of the parodical Lines Never Said On Smallville. I like these ones a lot, I reckon the first is my favourite ever. They’re based on/inspired by the same two spoilers:

– When Clark returns to Metropolis, he’ll have a big surprise for Lois.

-[TV Guide] reveals what Clark’s surprise is for Lois: He’s taking the job at the Daily Planet, right across from her desk.

So the two skits below are kind of paired together on that, the first one is my cynical reaction and the other one is my idealistic reaction to the spoilers. Of course, since Smallville is such a piece of crap, the first one is much more realistic.

It’s about the constantly lowering standards at the Daily Planet, which was established for a long time to be a fantastic newspaper with the best reporters. It was Chloe’s dream job to work there, and the season that she got hired, it was living up to it’s reputation just fine from what we saw. It started going down a gentle slope in Season 6, and in Season Seven that slope turned into fucking Mount Everest, and from the sounds of those spoilers, Season 8 is determined to somehow sink it further.

Chloe:…And so that’s how you turn on SpellCheck. Couldn’t you have asked Lois this?
Lois: *from the desk across* Yeah, I don’t bother with any of that fancy details stuff. That’s what makes my reports so edgy.
Chloe: *forces a smile* Yes. Of course it is. I’ll see you later, Clark.

[Chloe leaves. As she is heading to the elevator, she hears something in a nearby supply closet and opens the door. It’s Kahn*. And booze.]

Kahn: Oh, Sullivan. It’s you.
Chloe: Uh huh.
Kahn: Haven’t seen you around so much.
Chloe: I was fired a several months ago.
Kahn: That’s right, I heard about that… Wait, why are you here then?
Chloe: Visiting a friend. So, what’s happening with you, in here?
Kahn: I was fired too. Hour ago.
Chloe: Oh. I’m really sorry.
Kahn: They’ve been on my back for ages… I didn’t want to hire a horny seventeen-year-old as an editor, I tried to get him to stop playing favourites with all the staff, I made an attempt at getting the Lane girl to follow procedure and stop acting like she’s still at The Inquisitor*… My bosses hated me for all that.
Chloe: Mm. Lois is my cousin, you know.
Kahn: Don’t try to defend her, you know it’s true.
Chloe: I won’t, I was just making the point that after she’s got everything I wanted by doing absolutely nothing, I still have to go home and see her. And act happy, or my bosses will capitalize on their threat of making me insane*.
Kahn: At least you didn’t have to read the reports she turns in. How exactly does one misspell “cat”?
Chloe: She says not using Spellcheck makes her reports edgy.
Kahn: Oh god.
Chloe: Yeah.
Kahn: Now Kent’s been hired too. That’s what they fired me for, I tried to stop it. Remember back when I hired you?
Chloe: Uh-huh.
Kahn: You’d been running your high school paper almost alone for years, gotten into an internship program here, worked towards being a reporter your whole life, right?
Chloe: Right.
Kahn: And it was still very unusual to hire you without a degree, but we had a job interview, you gave me an example of your work. It was sensationalist, but you had plenty of evidence-
Chloe: Wait, so did you know about all the strange things happening in Kansas?
Kahn: I was a top reporter then the editor-in-chief, don’t underestimate my knowledge of events again. Anyway, you had evidence, interviews, it was well written… So I let you in. Two years later, your cousin walks in, yells something about a UFO, and gets hired just like that. No proof, no education, no interview.
Chloe: The editor wanted to get some action from her. Mission successful.
Kahn: Here and now… Just look at them.
[Chloe opens the door a crack. Lois is giving Jimmy a lapdance. Clark is under the impression that his computer has a touchscreen and is poking at the already very splintered glass]
Kahn: How did we reach this stage of things?
Chloe: I have been finding that lately, fortune favours the stupid a little more each day.
Kahn: [snorts] You got that right.
Chloe: I should probably be going…
[Chloe and Kahn hear something smash]
Lois: [shouting] I’m off to the Ace of Clubs*! It’s Happy Hour and alcohol always makes me smarter!
Chloe: On the other hand, pass the booze. Alcohol always makes me stupid. Maybe for a few hours, I’ll be fortunate.

*1. This is what is nicknamed Neanderthal Clark, where his stupidity is exaggerated to the point that he acts and speaks much like a caveman.
*2. Kahn appeared as the Editor In Chief at the DP in S5. Although only in one episode, she is remembered for hiring Chloe at the DP and being portrayed by Carrie Fisher, AKA Princess Leia. I got the impression she was smart and good at her job, I needed someone who was very competent and a higher up at the Planet.
*3. The Inquisitor was a tabloid newspaper Lois was hired at when she brought them a story about her almost being hit by a flying barn door and they put it on the front page on the condition she change it to include aliens. Which sums up their standards aptly. Apart from one article for the school paper, this is her only experience in journalism.
*4. Lately, Chloe has become more of a cheerleader for the other characters than an actual person, and has been way too happy with the pieces of trash life has been throwing at her [getting fired from dream job, getting arrested by FBI, douchebag of a boyfriend] She is also a meteor freak, most of those go insane, and she has acknowledged the possibility that this will happen to her. So that’s always a potential storyline. On a side note, going insane happens to be her worst fear. So here I rather unsubtly broke the fourth wall and had her cheerleading-and-trash-accepting-ness be because her “bosses,” AKA the writers, have blackmailed her into it, to explain why her demeanor with Kahn is different than with Clark, Lois and Jimmy.

*5. I am not making this up. Lois really does leave the DP and take her work to a bar instead. She reports they have an epic Happy Hour.

This one is more wish fulfillment, it’s a way that the spoiler can be true and it’ll still be okay. Of course, it wouldn’t happen if Smallville ran for another million years [NOOOOOOOO!] but I can dream. And yeah, this is pretty much the complete opposite of Clark.

Lois: Hey! What are you doing here?
Clark: I took the job.
Lois: Really? Wow!
Clark: Yeah, I wanted to surprise you.
Lois: You did! This is going to be fun!
Clark: Yes. “Fun.”
Lois: You’ve finally moved up in life! Serving a greater purpose than being some farmboy!
Clark: Yeah, I was only giving the world a food supply.
Lois: Right! Now you’re working at the best newspaper in the country!
Clark: See, that’s why I took the job. I don’t feel it is the best newspaper in the country. Maybe it used to be, it seemed pretty good, even just a couple of years ago. Nowadays, the powers that be are doing anything they can to ruin it. Hiring lunkheads without experience or learning*, encouraging no standard of work. I want to make this place become someone’s dream job again. I want to track down exactly who is at the bottom of all this, and then we can have a little chat. They’re going to be sorry they ever took on this unlearned, inexperienced lunkhead.
Lois: *eyes glazed over* Huh?
Clark: Double surprise, bitch.

* “Lunkheads without experience or learning applies here to both Clark and Lois. Although the lack of educatation particually applies to Lois; she never even graduated high school. I can believe she could still get hired at The Inquisitor, but not one of the top newspapers in the US. And Clark was hired in a conventional manner, which makes me think the other applicants must have all been drug-addicted hobos, Paris Hilton, or submitted a form with a little smiley face fingerpainted on in human blood.


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