Brenda Pet

May 25, 2008 at 5:46 am (movies) (, )

I love the movie Slither. Or SLiTHER, as it is sometimes spelled for reasons I cannot figure out. It’s a cross between an affectionate parody of modern horror and intentionally so-bad-it’s-good, with a whole heaping of gross-out comedy on the side.

Yesterday I took a look at the official website. Most of it’s just average. However, they had this thing called Brenda Pet. You know those little desktop pets that you can download, and they’ll scamper around your desktop being cute? It’s like the Slither version of that, meaning that instead you listen to her whine and watch her tumours move, as the description says. You can also feed her raw meat, but be careful not to feed her too much, you never know what might happen…

Test it out online or download it by going here. You can find her under the Special Features menu. It’s worth taking a look if you want something more unusual on your desktop, even if you’ve never seen Slither.

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Garfield minus Garfield equals genuis.

May 22, 2008 at 5:07 pm (misc.) (, , )

Sorry I haven’t updated in a while, exams are starting next week so I don’t have a lot of time.

Anyway, you know Garfield? It turns out that it actually improves when you remove the titular character. To still make sense would be unusual, but now it’s funnier and yet also horribly depressing, and just so very very good. See it here.

Enjoy the comic, everyone.

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Miss Pettigrew Acts For A Day

May 18, 2008 at 2:47 am (movies) (, , , , )

I saw Miss Pettigrew Lives For A Day today. It’s a romantic comedy set in the late 30s. It’s pretty great and very entertaining. It’s funny, it’s touching, the message doesn’t feel cheap or tacked on, but there are two things that really carry this movie, the looks and the cast.

 

The sets are extravagantly pleasing. Everything is bright, everything is classy, everything is very well designed. Ditto for the clothes. I have no idea if that’s what people really wore in the 1930s, but it’s certainly making me want to wear that stuff now. The set and wardrobe people did great.

 

The cast was seriously stunning. Frances McDormand was quietly but very convincingly maternal and saddened as the titular character. Her co-star Amy Adams was a perfect choice for Delysia Lafosse, so bubbly and dizzily energetic [I could watch her flit around forever, it was so fun] and easily managed the task of making her character so lovable even though she’s quite selfish, superficial and expects everything to go her own way. I loved their relationship, it was very sweet. Then there was Michael, who was charming and passionate and hot.

 

I knew I had to see this movie when I heard Lee Pace was working with Amy Adams, and they were every bit as magnificent together as I had hoped. They’re both so adorable and endearing, and now they were adorable and endearing together, and it was brilliant. I’ve seen Shirley Henderson before, in Harry Potter [she was Moaning Myrtle] and a Doctor Who episode, and she was good, but this is the role that will make me remember her, as the cunning, snake-like antagonist.  Seriously, it’s to the point where I wish at least one person on the cast would get an Academy Award nom. The movie overall wasn’t quite worthy, but they definetly are. But they won’t, the movie isn’t big enough or serious enough, and it’s a romantic-comedy, and anything that isn’t a drama tends to get the shit kicked out of it come Oscar time. Sigh. Can they get a Golden Globe instead? Please?

To wrap it up, this is not a deep movie, but still an utterly delightul way to spend a couple of hours. It fortunately breaks the traditional romcom style of humour so you won’t feel like ripping your own eyes out. Well worth the price of a ticket. 8 out of 10.

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The daylight! It burns!

May 14, 2008 at 10:46 pm (Uncategorized)

Moonlight, the vampire-detective show – no, the other vampire-detective show. No, not that one eith- never mind. It’s the one with Alex O’Loughlin, alright? And it’s officially cancelled. Which is sad, because it was a cult show, and because to save it the fans had organized a blood drive. It’s great to see fans trying to contribute to a good cause while helping their show. It’s just unfotunate it didn’t work. Frankly, I think networks should just give up with the Friday Night Timeslot Of Death. They cancel a show after one season because the ratings aren’t high enough, but then whatever new show they bring in gets crappy ratings too, so they cancel that one, and so it goes and so it goes. It’s like, just accept that people go out on Friday night and you get crappy ratings, okay?

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Trailer for The Fall.

May 14, 2008 at 8:54 pm (movies) (, , )

Wow, guys. Just watch this trailer. It’s amazing. Often I hate advertisment people for making a good movie/episode look crap or lying about the premise or ruining the ending. But I kinda love whoever made this, it’s just so fantastic. Just watch it, okay?

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Songs never sung in Smallville.

May 12, 2008 at 11:11 pm (tv misc) (, , )

Lines never said on Smallville. Or while writing Smallville. Whatever. For those of you who have no idea who everyone is, Lex is Clark’s ex-“just friends” and current enemy, Al and Miles are the current showrunners who are leaving after this season because they didn’t get enough money, Darren Swimmer and Brian Peterson are two of the people who are taking over, Clark is young Superman, Chloe is his friend, Jimmy is her loser boyrfriend, and Lois is the local dumbass.

Inspired by this. Which was inspired by this. Which inspired this. There’s a lot of inspiration going on with this thing. I recommend at least watching the second link so you can get a beat for the song.

*37 minutes into Arctic. Karniac has taken Lex to the Fortress, and they’ve been shouting for Jor-El to talk to them. That’s it.*
Al: Hehe, we told them we would get our revenge.
Miles: They never should have let us write the finale.
Al: DS & BP should never have asked to write the last five minutes.
Miles: You said it. Oh well, we should do our duty and go hand it off to them.
Al: I can’t wait to see them try to squirm their way out of this one.
Miles: Mwahahaha!
______________
DS: Um…
BP: Yeah.
DS: I think we can still save this episode.
BP: Yeah?
DS: Let’s write something that will be make CW history!
BP: Yeah!
DS: No one will even remember the numbingly boring stuff that Al and Miles wrote!
BP: It’s going to be legendary!
DS: I’ll get the pens and paper!
BP: I’ll get the pizza and booze!
__________________

Jimmy: *at computer* Lois, you have to come see this!
Lois: Is it going to get me a Pulitzer? I don’t waste time on non-Pulitzer articles. Better to just try and think up a good headline for the Pulitzer story, whatever it may be.
Jimmy: It has nothing to do with work, just come see it. Seriously.
Lois: Oh, fine, I’ll come look. You owe me for this.
*Jimmy starts a Youtube video, and we see Clark sitting on the couch at the Kent house, looking at the camera*
 

Clark: Hello there, all interweb users. I’ve never put anything on Youtube before, but I have to get my feelings out. I’ve been repressing this for a long time, and it’s time to be open about it and tell the world.
Chloe: *offscreen* Frankly, I’m just here out of pity.
Clark: I wish I could tell my girlfriend, but she’s catatonic. However, she’s supposedly still aware of what goes on around her, so I suppose at some point someone could take a laptop when they go to visit her and play this for her.
Chloe: Clark, I’d love to do that, but you should probably get to the point soon.
Clark: You see, there’s this person. We used have some good times together. Not anymore, and I’m here, ready to admit that I’m a little upset about that…

*Guitar music begins to play*
Clark: ‘Cause I’m not fucking Lex Luthor!
Chloe: *appears wearing bald cap* He’s not fucking Lex Luthor!
Clark: And it makes me feel so alone.

Clark: I’m not fucking Lex Luthor!
ChloeAsLex: He’s not fucking Lex Luthor!
Clark: I miss the love and the bones.

*Scene changes to the barn with Clark’s back to us*

Clark: *growling voice* No costumes, ‘scope rusty
Chlex: And the loft is tragically dusty
Clark: No kneeling, hay unpeturbed
Chlex: Nothing for the cows to observe
Cows: Mooooo!

*Clark faces us*

Clark: *with emo haircut* I’m not fucking Lex Luthor!
Chlex: He’s not fucking Lex Luthor!
Clark: As he explores my icy palace

Clark: I’m not fucking Lex Luthor!
Chlex: He’s not fucking Lex Luthor!
Clark: Man, he had a biiig phallus

Chlex: Question; do you think this is getting a little TMI?
Clark: We are so far past the point of TMI that I don’t think it matters from here on out. I shall bare my soul!
Chlex: Whatever.

*Cut to BALLS, otherwise known as the Back Alcove of Lex Luthor Surveillance*
Clark: *sobbing through his new emohair and a whole lot of  black eyeliner as he watches old footage of Lex*
Hey there Lexy, you’ve made me sad
Remember all the good sex we had
Those days are over, we’ve drifted apart
I wish for once I could have been smart
So I wouldn’t have lost my heart [Chlex: And the mope goes to a whole new level…]

Lois: *barges in* Knock-knock!
Clark and Chlex: Please go back out the door
Lois: Who’s the bald guy and the emo queen?
Chlex: *to Clark* Just KO her and let’s get to the next scene
*Clark flicks Lois in the head*

*Cut to “CoCK,” otherwise known as Lex’s Chamber of Clark Kent. Clark has fifteen facial piecings.*
Clark: I’m not fucking Lex Luthor!
Chlex: He’s not fucking Lex Luthor!
Clark: *stroking Chlex’s bald cap*
Sometimes for luck I’d do this.

Clark: I’m not fucking Lex Luthor!
Chlex: He’s not fucking Lex Luthor!
Clark: How can I live without that bliss?

*Cut to the asylum*
Clark: *wearing a black straightjacket*
Empty bed, open door
Threw out that rug by the door
Chlex: *On the other side of a glass wall, a la Shattered*
No fucking here, no fucking there
Clark: There’s no fucking anywhere!

Clark: *screaming in torment* I’M NOT FUCKING LEX LUTHOR!
_____________________________

Lois: Wow.
Jimmy: Yeah. I had to watch it 683 times before I could accept that it was true.
Lois: I can’t even believe Clark and Lex were once fuck buddies. I thought Clark was a nice guy, but Lex is evil for Christ’s sake!
Jimmy: It’s pronounced EVOL!
Lois: What?
Jimmy: Never mind.
Lois: Although it certainly explains where Clark’s been for the last few weeks.
Jimmy: Guess singing out his feelings wasn’t such a great idea after all.
Lois: I don’t know about that, he’s already gotten at least twice as many views as the Leave Britney Alone guy.
Jimmy: Yeah, but nobody likes Chris Crocker, they just think he’s pathetic. He’s famous in a bad way, you know?
Lois: Don’t be silly, there’s no bad way to be famous!
Jimmy: Well, you should enjoy your newfound fame as that girl who was flicked in the head in the “I’m not fucking Lex Luthor,” video.
Lois: Hey, yeah! Do you think I could get a book deal?
Jimmy: No.
Lois: Like this. “…I always said Clark had big fingers…”
Jimmy: Lois, somehow you are the only person on earth who always manages to make me feel smart. Thankyou.
 

 

 

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Ghost Whisperer safety tips.

May 11, 2008 at 1:19 am (tv misc) ()

Amusingly, this week’s episode of Ghost Whisperer was called Double Exposure. Like, I’ll say. They could even rename the show that if they wanted to. Of course, we were supposed to think it was a reference to cameras, since the ghost of the week was messing with them. So, here’s your regular safety tips from Ghost Whisperer.

 

1.   If you have a ridiculously perfect husband, especially one who has often saved your ass or your life, appreciate him. Don’t start a big bitchy fight because he wants to go to med school and picked up a brochure for one in a different state. It doesn’t mean he’s going to go there, okay? My mum’s always complaining about all the brochures my dad gets for stuff he’s never going to buy. Do not drive ridiculously perfect ass-and-life-saving husband away. I’d say you’ll end up a lonely old lady with 38 cats, but you probably won’t even live that long anyway.

2.    Never rely on anyone as dumb as Melinda to save you from dying of asthma. You know what she did? First she tried to get the unconscious lives-alone victim to try to let her in the door, then she  decided to have a chat with her dead ex-boyfriend over her rapidly dying body instead of giving medical attention. Nice work, genius! God, she’d probably try to bring someone out of a coma by whacking them in the head with nearby heavy objects. Jim, never get hurt at home. If it’s not fatal, your bonehead wife will fix that.

3. If you’re in a relationship that becomes long distance, don’t cheat on your partner and claim it was because “[you] were so lost without [them].” If your partner doesn’t kill you, I might.

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Ghost Whisperer: What not to do.

May 4, 2008 at 1:01 pm (Uncategorized)

So, I’ve decided to do a new regular thing; safety tips brought to you by the Ghost Whisperer. Which, if you don’t know, is a show about Jennifer Love Hewitt swanning about in a variety of low-cut tops talking to ghosts who can’t move on to the afterlife and fixing their issues so they can “go into the light.” This usually involves talking to the relative or partner of the dead ghost. Oh, and no one ever dies from old age.

So, Jennifer Love Hewitt’s character Melinda has absolutely no regard for her own personal safety. Not like Jake from Jericho or half the characters from LOST where they frequently risk their lives to save someone else’s. She just does dangerous or stupid things for no reason at all. So often that I have said before that they could show Ghost Whisperer in some sort of safety class as “What Not To Do.” And now I’m taking that and turning it into a reality. Folks, a new weekly addition will be all the dangerous and stupid things Melinda [or occasionally someone else] has done that week. Just do the opposite, ‘kay? And there may be some general nitpicking if the plot details were particularly bad that week. Here’s the last two episodes.

No Safe Place: Melinda meets a ghost who used to stalk some guy back when she was alive. Only then it turns out that he was the one who was stalking her. And then he decides to stalk Melinda. This is the second lovesick stalker she’s had [I’m not counting regular ghosts] and while that’s not up to the ridiculous Lana Lang level of lovesick stalkers, they’ve pretty much reached their limit on how many she can have while staying believable.

 

Without further ado…

 

1.  Say someone starts stalking you. What’s the first thing that comes to mind? Get a restraining order. Well, Melinda, for reasons unknown, completely ignored this option, as did the cop advising her. Even when the cop said he couldn’t arrest the guy because he wouldn’t break any laws [supposedly – he actually broke multiple ones] no one brought up the possibility of a restraining order. Really, considering Melinda’s Magic!Google use every second episode, this is pathetic. Can’t she research some laws? Can’t the writers research some laws?

2.  However, it turned out the ghost had heard of the concept. It was mentioned that she had actually gotten ten and the stalker had ignored them all without consequence. Seriously people, if you get a restraining order, try to enforce it. There’s no point otherwise/

3.  So the stalker tried to give Melinda this statue, right? And she wouldn’t take it, and this was in front of Delia, so there’s a witness. Now, it’d look mightily suspicious to the cops if the statue later turned up in Melinda’s house and she thinks someone’s broken in. She had refused to take the statue earlier, so one would wonder why she would accept it later. And it’s definetly the stalker guy’s because it has his fingerprints all over it. So what does Melinda do with this crucial evidence that the stalker had broken into her house [which is breaking a law] and is the evidence the cop had been waiting for? She destroyed it. Of course. Does Melinda just live in a world where the legal system does not exist? Is that it? Because I can’t believe anyone could be so stupid.

4.   She didn’t even go to the cops at all after the break in. They could check for fingerprints, fibres, ect. but noooo. Note to all fictional burgler’s and hooligans. If you want some easy cash, pick the lock to Melinda Gordon’s place and take whatever you please! You’ll never get caught! EVER. God.

5.   Melinda lied her way in to stalker’s office and only had a few minutes to hack his computer and get the evidence of his stalking before his secretary would come back in. Halfway through, she decided to stare at some paintings on the wall for a while instead. I know, they were shocking paintings, but seriously – she was breaking into a law firm computer. She would face huge legal consequences if she got caught. Also, his secretary could see her through the window. Dumbass. People, don’t get distracted to the point where you almost get your ass thrown in jail.

6.  If she refused to do all that, at least get some protection. Make like Veronica Mars and go buy a freakin’ tazer. It’s not hard.

 

Weight Of What Was: Long plot, people. Mel’s evil half-brother comes to visit and gives her a box of stuff that belonged to old family members. Amy Acker of Angel fame gets all dressed up in period clothing and comes to Melinda, drawn by an object in the box. This is what Melinda spends half the episode finding out: in 1848, Grandview, people started getting sick, and one of the symptoms was going totally crazy. This craziness led to a lot of people killing their families. The cause of the sickness was ergot poisoning from the bread they were eating. So, like really bad food poisoning. Some doctor from Weston managed to figure this out, but while traveling to Grandview to warn them, he died of exposure in a blizzard. Amy Acker could see ghosts like Melinda, so he appeared to her so she would warn them. But when she tried, they decided she was a witch and killed her with an axe. Then the local church guy, Brother Davis, decided to bring all the uninfected people into the church and lock the doors, to protect them from the sick crazy people. His brilliant plan kinda fell down when the only food he brought in to eat was the bread. So everyone ate it and went crazy, and then crazy Brother Davis burnt the church down to destroy all the evil and everybody died. Then the survivors and whatnot were so ashamed, they built right over the top of their old town and just left it down there to rot. Melinda went down there and ended up being caught in a ghost-caused cave in, but eventually Jim, Delia and Payne rescued her with some help from Amy Acker. Safety tips!

 

  1. She trusted her evil half-brother.
  2. She found a super-secret entrance to an unexplored underground town with very questionable stability. She was alone and no one knew where she was. There was in all likelihood some vicious ghosts in there. What did she do? Go inside! She really could have come back later with someone, but that would require some kind of brain function! Also, she was supposed to be having dinner with Delia in about 45 minutes, so she was just going to blow her off because she didn’t feel like coming back later? Adding to the “come back later,” spiel, she was wearing some fancy black dress when she went in to the dirty, dusty, crumbly tunnel. What kind of girl would ruin her good clothes rather than wait a couple of hours and go back later with old clothes?
  3. She thinks cell phones work underground. ‘Nuff said.
  4. You know the burning church of doom? She decided that to help Amy Acker, she had to march right into the middle of it. When it was chock full or crazy, angry ghosts who believed people who see ghosts are witches and must die. Amy Acker tried to warn her [Ooh, a smart ghost whisperer! Why can’t we get one of those?] but when has Melinda ever listened to good advice from someone who knows more about the subject than she does? Sigh. And she could have tested the waters and tried just talking to one of the random not-church ghosts that were hanging around. They probably wouldn’t be so angry since they didn’t burn up, and if they reacted badly it’d be just one ghost getting violent instead of about thirty. Like, this is dangerous stuff she’s fucking with, shouldn’t she try to find out what she’s getting herself into before just marching in all bravado? It’s completely her own fault that she was stuck in that cave in. But I’m pretty sure there won’t be anything like her learning her lesson. That would constitute actual character development, wouldn’t it? CAN’T HAVE THAT.

 

Nitpicks: 1. Why was Melinda just constantly allowed to go wandering through the hall of records?

2. It’s only been 160 years since the incident, and no one in Grandview knows anything? A diary from an ancestor, stories told through the generations, medical records… I know they decided to cover it up, but nothing that big gets covered up that well.

3. Why was there a super-secret tunnel entrance in the hall of records? There was just one there with absolutely no explanation. The fuck?

4. If the survivors of the incident wanted to cover it up and start over, they would have just knocked the town down. They wouldn’t have BUILT A WHOLE NEW TOWN OVER IT, leaving all the building completely intact. Think about it. It would  be extremely difficult, expensive and unstable.

5. In fact, so unstable that it’s simply unbelievable that New Grandview hasn’t collapsed into Old Grandview by now. The facts are these:

We did not see any supporting pillars, indicating that while there might be some hidden in the walls of the tunnels, the only support in big open spaces [like the one the church was located in] was the buildings. Houses and churches are not made to be support pillars, for christ’s sake. They wouldn’t be too good at performing this task.

Then Amy Acker said that a few other people have found the place and they’d gotten trapped in cave ins like Melinda [I presume the ghosts did those ones too.] So there’s been multiple cave ins, and there are still no signs of this above ground? Get out.

Jim was able to get into Old Grandview merely by breaking through a wall in Melinda’s shop basement. That’s how close it is to the surface, it means there’s only a metre or two of dirt separating Old and New Grandview. With 160 years of rain and storms and such, that would have eroded and collapsed in the real world. Not that it would have been able to hold up buildings in the first place.

A BIG FUCKING PLANE crashed right into New Grandview. Literally half the town should have collapsed right then.

6. It’s also unbelievable that it hasn’t been discovered by construction workers. Think about it. Buildings have foundations. Old Grandview’s only a metre or two underground. Any time someone tried to build something over it, they’d dig down to lay the foundations and go “Hey! There’s a fucking town under here!” So is no one supposed to have built anything in Grandview in 160 years? What about rebuilding the sewers, or extending them? Gas tunnels? Anything? They haven’t changed any of that in 160 years? Bullshit.

7. Ergot poisoning can make people more violent, but it would hardly lead to so many people just massecring their families at random. If that was true there’d be a lot less people today in the areas it affected. Not to mention they probably would have just avoided eating bread unless they were starving.

8. The witch paranoia was over centuries before 1848, so Amy Acker shouldn’t have been killed for it.

9. What, no one removed the dead people’s bones from the church? How lazy and insensitive were the survivors?

 

Good news, everybody! CBS has very low standards for it’s writers! Their common sense and research skills can be that of your average chipmunk, and it’s okay! All fanfiction writers, pay attention! Most of you suck, but you can still work in television! God. That plot came apart like Micheal Jackson’s face.

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