Lexson & The Small Whisperer.

April 23, 2008 at 12:53 pm (tv misc) (, )

Hi, folks. About the Smallville skits; you may notice that the characters and plotlines are not consistant. I should have explained this earlier, but basically every skit is a separate parody, so within each skit, the other ones don’t exist. And the characters can change drastically between skits too, because I am exaggerating, teasing out and mocking different aspects of the character in different skits.

 

For example, the first skit in this post comes from Lex’s constant evil genius plots which never seem to lead to anything, in particular his latest one, where he realizes the family crest he sees every day has a constellation in it that he just missed for about 25 years, and promptly decides it must have a secret meaning. Being Smallville, that turned out to be true, but it did get me wondering what else he could dream up, and what would happen if he was wrong in his crazy conspiracy theory. For once. There’s not much else you need to know for this one, just MaybeMercy was a [wicked cool] minion of Lex’s whom some people thought might be Mercy. She was actually killed last episode, but I’d already started writing this and didn’t want to remove her.

 

Lex: I have a brilliant plan!
MaybeMercy: *mutters* Here we go. Uh, why don’t you tell me about this brilliant plan, sir?
Lex: Yesterday I was feeling nostalgic, and looking at the family portrait. Then I spotted a lock of hair in it.
MaybeMercy: Hair?
Lex: Hair.
MaybeMercy: This hair has some significance, sir?
Lex: I believe so. It was black, like my old boyfriend’s hair.
MaybeMercy: If you like black hair, sir, I could dye mine.
Lex: *doesn’t hear her* Are you acquainted with the story of Samson?
MaybeMercy: Yes.
Lex: Samson was a man who lived thousands of years ago, and he had been blessed with great strength.
MaybeMercy: I know.
Lex: He got this strength from his hair.
MaybeMercy: Wow, it sounds kind of ridiculous when you say it out loud.
Lex: When his hair was cut off, he lost his strength and was blinded and captured. By the time they brought him out from captivity, his hair had grown back, and he pushed some pillars over and killed everyone.
MaybeMercy: Lovely man. Are you thinking it’s not just a story?
Lex: I’m beginning to think it’s not just a story. I think it really happened. And I think it’s happening again.
MaybeMercy: Shock horror.
Lex: What if I’m the new Samson?
MaybeMercy: Were you superstrong as a child, before you lost your hair?
Lex: The flow of convenient secret memories that returned after I was shot stopped again after one of my other concussions. I’ve since tried to concuss them back by beating myself over the head with a beanbag, but to no avail.
MaybeMercy: I could try with a whip. I hear they have amazing memory-restoring powers.
Lex: In short, I can’t remember whether I was strong. *pauses* However, I have lost all movement in my ring fingers and I have no idea who my ex-wife was.
MaybeMercy: Believe me sir, that’s an amazing blessing. Anyway, you need to move on, find someone new…
Lex: But I do know someone who has hair.
MaybeMercy: Most people do, sir.
Lex: He has pulled off many miraculous rescues, many of which seemed to require someone of paranormal strength.
MaybeMercy: Wouldn’t this indicate that he’s the new Samson?
Lex: However, he doesn’t have a lock of hair in his family portrait! So I’ve deducted that Clark Kent……
MaybeMercy: Not him again.
Lex:…Must have stolen my hair in the meteor shower and put it on his own head!
MaybeMercy: Whatever you say, sir.
Lex: I’m going to have to get it back!
MaybeMercy: Oh boy. Sir, putting hair powers aside for a minute, there are some unfinished projects I need to ask you about.
Lex: Then I will be superstrong! I’m sorry, did you say something?
MaybeMercy: What are you planning to do with Veritas?
Lex: What’s that?
MaybeMercy: Remember the billionaire astronomy club your parents were in that was waiting for a traveler from another planet. There’s a box in Zurich that contains all it’s secrets, and last week you got your hands on the keys to that box.
Lex: I have no memory of this. Possibly because of the beanbag beating, but no matter, I can’t waste time on ludicrous stories right now, I need that hair. Just scrap that Veritas crap.
MaybeMercy: What about your meteor infected army? Supersoldiers? Cloning? The Kawatche Caves?
Lex: Pah! Those were pointless fancies. Superhair is the future. Now, I’m going to have to find a way to get it back from Clark and onto my head.
*Lex walks off*
MaybeMercy: For crying out loud, how long do I have to wait before he fucks me?*Kent Farm, two days later, 1am*
Clark: *waking up* Urrrrhhh, Lana, what are you doing?
*No answer*
Clark: Wait, Lana’s in a braindead coma…
*He turns on a bedside lamp*
Clark: Lex? What are you doing here?
*The light reveals Lex standing there with an electric shaver and crazy eyes*
Lex: Nothing, nothing at all. Just came by, you know, for old time’s sake.
Clark: *regretful* Lex, we can’t just fuck randomly anymore. We’re mortal enemies. Uh, whose hair is that on the floor?
Lex: It’s – it’s mine! Rightfully mine.
Clark: *feels own head* Holy shit, you shaved my head? Are you crazy? Why the fuck would you shave my hair off?!
Lex: Don’t try to put the innocent act on me, I know your tricks!
Clark: Omigod, how did you get all of this off?
Lex: You’re a surprisingly sound sleeper.
Clark: *rubbing head* B-But there’s just one little tuft left!
Lex: * shaves tuft* Yoink! Now there isn’t! I’m so cunning and EVOL!
Clark: *quietly terrified* If you want the hair, take it. Just get out of here.
*Lex scoops the hair up and into a sealable bag. He leaves and Clark dials the phone*
Clark: It’s Clark. Yeah Lois, I’m sorry to interrupt your late night drinking, but could you put Chloe on? Okay. Hi Chloe. I know what time it is, but could you get over here? Something really scary just happened, I need you and- and I don’t want Lois to see me. Thanks, really, and I’ll explain once you’re over here. But promise not to laugh, okay?

*Luthor mansion, 10am*
MaybeMercy: Le- Mr Luthor? Are you here?
Lex: It took me all night, but I did it!
MaybeMercy: Did what? *sees him* Oh god.
*Lex has glued the clumps of Clark hair to his scalp*
Lex: Once I reattached my rightful hair, I began to recover my superstrength! Look!
*He lifts a dumbbell*
MaybeMercy: *murmurs* Eh, might as well make the best of things. *loudly* That’s amazing, sir. You could test it even further and see if you’re able to lift me and hold me in your arms.
Lex: *does so* Easy!
MaybeMercy: Okay, but could you carry me all the way into the master bedroom, close the door and over to the bed without putting me down once?
Lex: Nothing is impossible for Lexson!
*Lex starts carrying MaybeMercy to the bedroom*
MaybeMercy: Lexson, that sounds nice, you should get a costume. How do you feel about leather and bare-chested?

 

 

 

 

This one’s actually a crossover skit. It also parodies Ghost Whisperer. In fact, most of the parodying is of Ghost Whisperer. Lex isn’t so insane in this one. Whatever, have fun.

 

*Luthor Mansion. There’s a knock on the door*

Lex: Come in.

*A brunette enters the room*

Lex: Who are you?

Woman: *nervous* My name’s Melinda Gordon, I run an antiques shop in a neighboring town, and uh, I need to see you about something. *apologetic* Security just stared at my chest and let me pass.

Lex: I’m a busy man, what do you need to see me about?

Melinda: Your father died recently?

Lex: You could have answered that by reading the front page.

Melinda: What about your assistant, her name was Mercy?

Lex: I prefer to call her a minion, but correct.

Melinda: Right. I have a message for you from them.

Lex: Hurry up then.
Melinda: *hesitant* Well, they’re actually in the room with us and…

Lex: You can see and hear their ghosts?

Melinda: Yes.

Lex: Okay.

Melinda: That’s it?

Lex: What do you want me to say?

Melinda: Normally this is the part where I get kicked out. Don’t you think it sounds too weird to be true?

Lex: Meh. In Smallville, we get much weirder every week.

Melinda: You do? But I like being special!

Lex: I’m sure. Since they’re the reason you came here, can we get back to the ghosts now?

Melinda: Okay. Before I start, be aware that you’re receiving a very special service in that I’m not paraphrasing everything. Because they saw me do this before and Gina told me if I tried that she would drive a railroad spike through my head. *listens* Your father says that although he tried his hardest to raise you well, you’re evil through and through… and um, no power on earth could save your soul.

Lex: Oh great, thanks, Dad. I always appreciate your commentary.

Melinda: And your assistant-

Lex: Minion!

Melinda: Your minion would like to remind you that your father is a cruel and sadistic man. It’s annoying she died before she got with you. *pauses to listen* But she’s all good, because cruel and sadistic men are her type and it turns out ghost sex is…great. Really, really, great.

And the telekinesis makes it a whole new ball game.

Lex: I was quite happy being kept in the dark on that last sentence. *pauses* Are you crying? Why are you-

Melinda: I’m just so EMPATHETIC AND COMPASSIONATE that I always get tears in my eyes during these talks. Because it’s all so VERY TOUCHING to someone as EMPATHETIC AND COMPASSIONATE as me.

Lex: We’re talking about ghost sex and EVOL!ness. How is that touching?
Melinda: You just don’t understand. You must not be EMPATHETIC AND COMPASSIONATE enough.

Lex: I’d expect not. I’m too EVOL!

Melinda: *staring past him* Excuse me a minute. Lionel, Gina, could you two do that in another room? It’s very distracting. And… naked.

*they wait for the ghosts leave the room*
Melinda: Now, there’s one more matter to clear up. Your father said you’d shoved him out a window.
Lex: Damn right. And it felt gooood. Then it felt bad. Then I somehow managed to set my conscience on fire and it felt good again.

Melinda: *shocked* You really murdered your own father?!

Lex: Didn’t you know that already?

Melinda: *starting to cry for real* B-b-but normally the ghosts are just confused and it turns out it was just a horrible accident!

Lex: Nope.

Melinda: A-and the talk w-will be all love and sunshine and the g-ghosts happily go into the l-l-light!

Lex: Your naivety is pathetic yet amusing. Please continue.

Melinda: *absolutely sobbing* Y-y-you’re so m-m-mean! We’re a-all supposed t-to be g-getting warm and f-f-fuzzy feelings right now! I’m g-going to t-t-tell everyone you k-killed your father!

*she runs from the room*

Lex: *yells* Mercy? Ghost Mercy? Could you get in here for a second? I have one last assignment. I think you’ll really enjoy this one.

*That night, Lex is watching the news*

Newscaster:…Earlier today a young woman was killed in a freak accident at a train crossing. Authorities don’t know all the details yet, but apparently she was in her car when something caused a loose railroad spike to be propelled off he tracks. It went in the driver’s window and straight through her head. Since this is the late-night news, we can show these extremely graphic photos of the body. And since we’re openly assholes we can set it to rock music and make it a montage. Cool, huh?

*Pictures of Melinda with spike coming out either side of her head as The Killers play*

Lex: Best. Montage. Ever. Mwahahahahahaha!

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