Smallville’s Lois & Lana: The braindead and the braindeadening

April 12, 2008 at 11:31 pm (tv misc) (, , , , )

Hey folks. There was a most delightful episode of Smallville recently. James Masters, because he is awesome, found a way to make Lana’s brain even more dead and facial expression even more blank. Amazing, I know. The best part is that it stuck, so we’ve got some more braindead Lana to laugh at. Then Lois and Jimmy wrangled gardener disguises [and an office plant taller than I am] to ambush Lionel for an interview, and he basically called Lois a dumb shit, and Jimmy silently agreed. I did some parodying dialogue. Any text in bold is quoted dialogue from the show, not anything I’ve written. Oh, and in the first parody I made Brainiac [JM] talk more like Spike, which is why his language is out of character.

ETA: Improved the last one.


Clark: You made Lana braindead!
Brainiac: Damn straight. Impressively allegorical, is it not?
Clark: If you wanted Kara you should have taken it up with me, not involved other people. Except her, I guess. I’m confused.
Brainiac: Good lord, mollusc, did you actually think it had anything to do with me wanting Kara?
Clark: Well, yeah…
Brainiac: Nah. Bitch just irritaited me, so I took her out, ‘cause that’s how I roll. Then I felt like some boiled eggs. Not my fault if she’s too dumb to wear oven mitts.
Clark: Yes it is, you made her that way!
Brainiac: Eh, petty details.
Clark: Wait, you can eat?
Brainiac: Yeah, kinda. Guy who built me loved Terminator II, so he ripped it off when making me.
Clark: How did Dax-Ur see Terminator II?
Brainiac: Whenever a Kryptonian would visit earth, they would bring back a bunch of movies and make a fortune pirating them. Except for ET. Wussiest non-human ever. *looks at Clark* Second wussiest.
Clark: *doesn’t get it* Poor ET. So how do you eat again?
Brainiac: I stick my liquid metal sword arm into whatever I want to eat or drink, and it just sucks all the nutrients and tasty stuff out of it. You should see sausages after I’m done with ‘em, man. They’re all shrivelled and tiny and gross, but so nice to eat.
Clark: I know exactly what you mean. Can you unbraindead Lana?
Brainiac: No.
Clark: Okay. Wanna go have some beers?
Brainiac: Only if they’re followed by sausages, mate.
Clark: Sounds excellent, my friend.


Clark: You made Lana’s eyes go cloudy!
Brainiac: Uh, yes. Notice anything else off about her?
Clark: She can write without looking down.
Brainiac: Yes, that too. But those are mere side effects of something larger I did.
Clark: Fell in love with her?
Brainiac: *shudders* Definetly not.
Clark: Well, I am kind of paranoid about that after Zod, Bizarro, Lex, Jason, Adam, me, and approximately half of Smallville.
Brainiac: Fair enough. But haven’t you noticed a lack of facial expressions, or a certain zombie-like charm?
Clark: *shrugs* No more than usual.
Brainiac: Come on, mollusc. Isn’t there anything different?
Clark: Well, she hasn’t been passive-aggressively bitching me out as much, and I haven’t had to rescue her for several whole hours.
Brainiac: Amazing.
Clark: So, you made her nicer and more capable?
Brainiac: Apparently.
Clark: Gee, thanks! It seems I misjudged you. Sorry about throwing you through a wall before. I thought you were evil.
Brainiac: Ah, that’s okay. And sorry about trying to bring Zod back a couple of years ago. I thought he wasn’t evil.
Clark: We all make mistakes.
Brainiac: Now, I have an idea on how to restore Krypton, and I need Kara’s help.
Clark: Whatever you need. I’ll just go tell her now. See you later!
*Clark zips off*
Brainiac: Well, that worked out even better than planned.


*Six weeks after Brainiac made Lana braindead*
Kara: Clark, do you think Lana’s acting a little weird?
Clark: Well, she’s giving us both the silent treatment, and she seems to be spending a lot of time boiling water.
*They walk past the kitchen, where Lana stands boiling the water, covered in a fine layer of mould*
Clark: You don’t think something’s wrong, do you?


Lois: It’s kinda hard to swim after you’ve been shot.
*Jimmy very obviously stares at her boobs and eventually looks back at the computer after she notices*

AA: *Watching at home* They. Left. That. In? THEY LEFT THAT IN?! I don’t care if they have to cut Micheal or Allison, I am so getting a bonus next season.

Lionel: Very resourceful. Did you two actually rent costumes from a costume shop and attempt to use them as disguises?
Lois: *proudly* Yep.
Lionel: Did the decrotive office plant come with them?
Jimmy: Unfortunetly no. Then we tried to get one from work, but we got caught as we were dragging it through advertising. So we had to get one from the nursery 15 blocks away and drag it all the way here.
Lois: And up six flights of stairs since someone is still afraid of elevators.
Jimmy: Well, it wouldn’t fit in there anyway…
Lois: Then we dropped the plant a few times on the staircase, and since it’s one of those spiral ones it just kept going.
Lionel: Really. How long did all of this take?
Lois: Oh, the whole day.
Lionel: Mm-hmmm. How much did it cost, I wonder.
Jimmy: Ummm, give me sec… If we split it, we basically just spent our paychecks.
Lois: But we don’t have to worry about that since we’re not getting any for two months. Lucky, huh?
Lionel: There’s always a bright side.
Lois: Damn right. Lex mistook the attempted plant borrowing as attempted plant stealing so he had to “punish,” us. We sure showed him!
Lionel: I’m glad my son chose a completely legal way to penalize you for your wrongdoing…
Jimmy: Perceived wrongdoing.
Lois: Percieved, attempted wrongdoing.
Lionel:…And I don’t imagine for a second he would simply be using the oppotunity to get free labour from you for two months and then find a reason to fire you anyway. Now, why did you ambush me again?
Lois: You know, I’m sure we had a good reason, but by now I really can’t remember.
Jimmy: Me neither. So, leaving, I guess.
Lionel: Farewell then. *dials mobile* I want you to send flowers to the Swann family, I imagine you saw the article on the front page.
Lois: Wait, that’s it! We came to get you to tell us all about how you ordered Patricia Swann dead! And we needed disguises because you wouldn’t take a press release with me if your life depended on it.
Lionel: What makes you think I’d respond better to an ambush?
Jimmy: This is your chance to tell the truth.
Lois: Before you’re put away for murder.

Lionel: Why would someone put me away for murder on no evidence?
Lois: A confession is evidence!
Lionel: Why would I confess?
Jimmy: This is your chance to tell the truth.
Lois: Before you’re put away for murder.
Lionel: *hiding glee* Did you rehearse this?
Jimmy: No. Definetly not. Never.
Lionel: Alright. Let us pretend for a moment I did order her death. I haven’t been convicted, as far as I know I’m not even a suspect. No sensible person would use this oppotunity to confess when otherwise they would stay out of jail.
Lois: What are you even talking about?
Lionel:…And you haven’t provided an explanation as to why I would respond to an ambush or why you couldn’t ambush me by walking right in like everybody else.
Jimmy: Well, we worked so hard on it…
Lionel: Puppy eyes and a trembling voice will not force a false confession out of me.
Lois: Oookay then. Uh, do you want a free plant?
Lionel: No. My security will lead you out now.
*Three security guards walk in, two lead the dynamic duo out as Lionel beckons one to stay behind for a minute*
Lionel: Before letting them out, say you have to search them. Find a reason to confiscate the hats and the plant receipt. And put a bug on one, I want to listen in on the confrontations with the shopkeepers.
Guard: Yes sir. Why didn’t you have us stop them on the way in, sir?
Lionel: Although I sadly didn’t get to take advantage of the one time your team noticed intruders – even if it was because they took 5 hours getting in with that plant – I didn’t want to miss the entertainments that come out of two riled-up, determined idiots who are obviously addicted to That’s So Raven.
Guard: Ah.








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