TVtropes and The Wuthering Heights Song.

April 29, 2008 at 1:57 pm (misc.)

I found two new and interesting things today. While waiting for a tram I was talking to a friend of my brothers, I told him about the Nostalgia Critic’s hilariously horrified reviews of Pokemon: The Movie and Space Jam, and in return he told me about a website called tvtropes.org. It’s really cool, all about commonly used story elements [or “tropes”] in different media. It has so many, it would almost certainly be impossible to creat a story without any of them. You can just look up whatever show, movie, book or comic you enjoy, and see a list of trope it has, with links to the definition of that trope, and examples. Or you can look up different kinds of tropes. One of my favourites was the Epileptic Tree trope, and the Magnificent Bastard trope since that is Television Without Pity’s nickname for the pre-redeemed Lionel, and they even state in the definition/entry that it was TWoP who made the trope popular. SQUEE! Oh, and they hate Lana too.

 

Now for The Wuthering Heights Song. Me and a friend of mine are taking the same Literature class, and we’re currently studying Wuthering Heights. Anyway, today my friend showed me a video on Youtube, of a woman performing a song she’d written herself after reading Wuthering Heights. Which doesn’t sound so monumentous, except then it turned out to be TERRIFYING. Her weird dance, her crazy eyes that she keeps fixed directly on the camera and keeps widening to an alarming degree… I was half-covering my eyes and making scared squeaky sounds.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hv0azq9GF_g

Apparently this woman is popular in Britain or something, so if you are a fan of her and reading this, try to understand my point-of-view here before you judge. I wasn’t around when she made this, I haven’t experienced whatever other freaky weird song & dances were around then. I have never seen her perform before, nor anyone remotely similar, so I was not eased into this. OF COURSE I’m going to find this scary. It probably doesn’t help that this version is apparently the scariest of her performances of the song. And for the record, I think she is both a good dancer and singer. Just a frightening one.

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Horror movie trailers.

April 27, 2008 at 7:54 am (movies) (, )

If there’s anyone reading this that has an interest in horror movies [despite the annoying lack of good ones this decade, sigh] I found an account on Youtube who uploads all the new trailers for them.  It’s pretty useful. I hadn’t even heard about half of these before I found that account. Now I’ve got about four that I’m planning to see.

http://www.youtube.com/user/hmoviefan992

Have fun.

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Lexson & The Small Whisperer.

April 23, 2008 at 12:53 pm (tv misc) (, )

Hi, folks. About the Smallville skits; you may notice that the characters and plotlines are not consistant. I should have explained this earlier, but basically every skit is a separate parody, so within each skit, the other ones don’t exist. And the characters can change drastically between skits too, because I am exaggerating, teasing out and mocking different aspects of the character in different skits.

 

For example, the first skit in this post comes from Lex’s constant evil genius plots which never seem to lead to anything, in particular his latest one, where he realizes the family crest he sees every day has a constellation in it that he just missed for about 25 years, and promptly decides it must have a secret meaning. Being Smallville, that turned out to be true, but it did get me wondering what else he could dream up, and what would happen if he was wrong in his crazy conspiracy theory. For once. There’s not much else you need to know for this one, just MaybeMercy was a [wicked cool] minion of Lex’s whom some people thought might be Mercy. She was actually killed last episode, but I’d already started writing this and didn’t want to remove her.

 

Lex: I have a brilliant plan!
MaybeMercy: *mutters* Here we go. Uh, why don’t you tell me about this brilliant plan, sir?
Lex: Yesterday I was feeling nostalgic, and looking at the family portrait. Then I spotted a lock of hair in it.
MaybeMercy: Hair?
Lex: Hair.
MaybeMercy: This hair has some significance, sir?
Lex: I believe so. It was black, like my old boyfriend’s hair.
MaybeMercy: If you like black hair, sir, I could dye mine.
Lex: *doesn’t hear her* Are you acquainted with the story of Samson?
MaybeMercy: Yes.
Lex: Samson was a man who lived thousands of years ago, and he had been blessed with great strength.
MaybeMercy: I know.
Lex: He got this strength from his hair.
MaybeMercy: Wow, it sounds kind of ridiculous when you say it out loud.
Lex: When his hair was cut off, he lost his strength and was blinded and captured. By the time they brought him out from captivity, his hair had grown back, and he pushed some pillars over and killed everyone.
MaybeMercy: Lovely man. Are you thinking it’s not just a story?
Lex: I’m beginning to think it’s not just a story. I think it really happened. And I think it’s happening again.
MaybeMercy: Shock horror.
Lex: What if I’m the new Samson?
MaybeMercy: Were you superstrong as a child, before you lost your hair?
Lex: The flow of convenient secret memories that returned after I was shot stopped again after one of my other concussions. I’ve since tried to concuss them back by beating myself over the head with a beanbag, but to no avail.
MaybeMercy: I could try with a whip. I hear they have amazing memory-restoring powers.
Lex: In short, I can’t remember whether I was strong. *pauses* However, I have lost all movement in my ring fingers and I have no idea who my ex-wife was.
MaybeMercy: Believe me sir, that’s an amazing blessing. Anyway, you need to move on, find someone new…
Lex: But I do know someone who has hair.
MaybeMercy: Most people do, sir.
Lex: He has pulled off many miraculous rescues, many of which seemed to require someone of paranormal strength.
MaybeMercy: Wouldn’t this indicate that he’s the new Samson?
Lex: However, he doesn’t have a lock of hair in his family portrait! So I’ve deducted that Clark Kent……
MaybeMercy: Not him again.
Lex:…Must have stolen my hair in the meteor shower and put it on his own head!
MaybeMercy: Whatever you say, sir.
Lex: I’m going to have to get it back!
MaybeMercy: Oh boy. Sir, putting hair powers aside for a minute, there are some unfinished projects I need to ask you about.
Lex: Then I will be superstrong! I’m sorry, did you say something?
MaybeMercy: What are you planning to do with Veritas?
Lex: What’s that?
MaybeMercy: Remember the billionaire astronomy club your parents were in that was waiting for a traveler from another planet. There’s a box in Zurich that contains all it’s secrets, and last week you got your hands on the keys to that box.
Lex: I have no memory of this. Possibly because of the beanbag beating, but no matter, I can’t waste time on ludicrous stories right now, I need that hair. Just scrap that Veritas crap.
MaybeMercy: What about your meteor infected army? Supersoldiers? Cloning? The Kawatche Caves?
Lex: Pah! Those were pointless fancies. Superhair is the future. Now, I’m going to have to find a way to get it back from Clark and onto my head.
*Lex walks off*
MaybeMercy: For crying out loud, how long do I have to wait before he fucks me?*Kent Farm, two days later, 1am*
Clark: *waking up* Urrrrhhh, Lana, what are you doing?
*No answer*
Clark: Wait, Lana’s in a braindead coma…
*He turns on a bedside lamp*
Clark: Lex? What are you doing here?
*The light reveals Lex standing there with an electric shaver and crazy eyes*
Lex: Nothing, nothing at all. Just came by, you know, for old time’s sake.
Clark: *regretful* Lex, we can’t just fuck randomly anymore. We’re mortal enemies. Uh, whose hair is that on the floor?
Lex: It’s – it’s mine! Rightfully mine.
Clark: *feels own head* Holy shit, you shaved my head? Are you crazy? Why the fuck would you shave my hair off?!
Lex: Don’t try to put the innocent act on me, I know your tricks!
Clark: Omigod, how did you get all of this off?
Lex: You’re a surprisingly sound sleeper.
Clark: *rubbing head* B-But there’s just one little tuft left!
Lex: * shaves tuft* Yoink! Now there isn’t! I’m so cunning and EVOL!
Clark: *quietly terrified* If you want the hair, take it. Just get out of here.
*Lex scoops the hair up and into a sealable bag. He leaves and Clark dials the phone*
Clark: It’s Clark. Yeah Lois, I’m sorry to interrupt your late night drinking, but could you put Chloe on? Okay. Hi Chloe. I know what time it is, but could you get over here? Something really scary just happened, I need you and- and I don’t want Lois to see me. Thanks, really, and I’ll explain once you’re over here. But promise not to laugh, okay?

*Luthor mansion, 10am*
MaybeMercy: Le- Mr Luthor? Are you here?
Lex: It took me all night, but I did it!
MaybeMercy: Did what? *sees him* Oh god.
*Lex has glued the clumps of Clark hair to his scalp*
Lex: Once I reattached my rightful hair, I began to recover my superstrength! Look!
*He lifts a dumbbell*
MaybeMercy: *murmurs* Eh, might as well make the best of things. *loudly* That’s amazing, sir. You could test it even further and see if you’re able to lift me and hold me in your arms.
Lex: *does so* Easy!
MaybeMercy: Okay, but could you carry me all the way into the master bedroom, close the door and over to the bed without putting me down once?
Lex: Nothing is impossible for Lexson!
*Lex starts carrying MaybeMercy to the bedroom*
MaybeMercy: Lexson, that sounds nice, you should get a costume. How do you feel about leather and bare-chested?

 

 

 

 

This one’s actually a crossover skit. It also parodies Ghost Whisperer. In fact, most of the parodying is of Ghost Whisperer. Lex isn’t so insane in this one. Whatever, have fun.

 

*Luthor Mansion. There’s a knock on the door*

Lex: Come in.

*A brunette enters the room*

Lex: Who are you?

Woman: *nervous* My name’s Melinda Gordon, I run an antiques shop in a neighboring town, and uh, I need to see you about something. *apologetic* Security just stared at my chest and let me pass.

Lex: I’m a busy man, what do you need to see me about?

Melinda: Your father died recently?

Lex: You could have answered that by reading the front page.

Melinda: What about your assistant, her name was Mercy?

Lex: I prefer to call her a minion, but correct.

Melinda: Right. I have a message for you from them.

Lex: Hurry up then.
Melinda: *hesitant* Well, they’re actually in the room with us and…

Lex: You can see and hear their ghosts?

Melinda: Yes.

Lex: Okay.

Melinda: That’s it?

Lex: What do you want me to say?

Melinda: Normally this is the part where I get kicked out. Don’t you think it sounds too weird to be true?

Lex: Meh. In Smallville, we get much weirder every week.

Melinda: You do? But I like being special!

Lex: I’m sure. Since they’re the reason you came here, can we get back to the ghosts now?

Melinda: Okay. Before I start, be aware that you’re receiving a very special service in that I’m not paraphrasing everything. Because they saw me do this before and Gina told me if I tried that she would drive a railroad spike through my head. *listens* Your father says that although he tried his hardest to raise you well, you’re evil through and through… and um, no power on earth could save your soul.

Lex: Oh great, thanks, Dad. I always appreciate your commentary.

Melinda: And your assistant-

Lex: Minion!

Melinda: Your minion would like to remind you that your father is a cruel and sadistic man. It’s annoying she died before she got with you. *pauses to listen* But she’s all good, because cruel and sadistic men are her type and it turns out ghost sex is…great. Really, really, great.

And the telekinesis makes it a whole new ball game.

Lex: I was quite happy being kept in the dark on that last sentence. *pauses* Are you crying? Why are you-

Melinda: I’m just so EMPATHETIC AND COMPASSIONATE that I always get tears in my eyes during these talks. Because it’s all so VERY TOUCHING to someone as EMPATHETIC AND COMPASSIONATE as me.

Lex: We’re talking about ghost sex and EVOL!ness. How is that touching?
Melinda: You just don’t understand. You must not be EMPATHETIC AND COMPASSIONATE enough.

Lex: I’d expect not. I’m too EVOL!

Melinda: *staring past him* Excuse me a minute. Lionel, Gina, could you two do that in another room? It’s very distracting. And… naked.

*they wait for the ghosts leave the room*
Melinda: Now, there’s one more matter to clear up. Your father said you’d shoved him out a window.
Lex: Damn right. And it felt gooood. Then it felt bad. Then I somehow managed to set my conscience on fire and it felt good again.

Melinda: *shocked* You really murdered your own father?!

Lex: Didn’t you know that already?

Melinda: *starting to cry for real* B-b-but normally the ghosts are just confused and it turns out it was just a horrible accident!

Lex: Nope.

Melinda: A-and the talk w-will be all love and sunshine and the g-ghosts happily go into the l-l-light!

Lex: Your naivety is pathetic yet amusing. Please continue.

Melinda: *absolutely sobbing* Y-y-you’re so m-m-mean! We’re a-all supposed t-to be g-getting warm and f-f-fuzzy feelings right now! I’m g-going to t-t-tell everyone you k-killed your father!

*she runs from the room*

Lex: *yells* Mercy? Ghost Mercy? Could you get in here for a second? I have one last assignment. I think you’ll really enjoy this one.

*That night, Lex is watching the news*

Newscaster:…Earlier today a young woman was killed in a freak accident at a train crossing. Authorities don’t know all the details yet, but apparently she was in her car when something caused a loose railroad spike to be propelled off he tracks. It went in the driver’s window and straight through her head. Since this is the late-night news, we can show these extremely graphic photos of the body. And since we’re openly assholes we can set it to rock music and make it a montage. Cool, huh?

*Pictures of Melinda with spike coming out either side of her head as The Killers play*

Lex: Best. Montage. Ever. Mwahahahahahaha!

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Smallville’s Lois & Lana: The braindead and the braindeadening

April 12, 2008 at 11:31 pm (tv misc) (, , , , )

Hey folks. There was a most delightful episode of Smallville recently. James Masters, because he is awesome, found a way to make Lana’s brain even more dead and facial expression even more blank. Amazing, I know. The best part is that it stuck, so we’ve got some more braindead Lana to laugh at. Then Lois and Jimmy wrangled gardener disguises [and an office plant taller than I am] to ambush Lionel for an interview, and he basically called Lois a dumb shit, and Jimmy silently agreed. I did some parodying dialogue. Any text in bold is quoted dialogue from the show, not anything I’ve written. Oh, and in the first parody I made Brainiac [JM] talk more like Spike, which is why his language is out of character.

ETA: Improved the last one.

 

Clark: You made Lana braindead!
Brainiac: Damn straight. Impressively allegorical, is it not?
Clark: If you wanted Kara you should have taken it up with me, not involved other people. Except her, I guess. I’m confused.
Brainiac: Good lord, mollusc, did you actually think it had anything to do with me wanting Kara?
Clark: Well, yeah…
Brainiac: Nah. Bitch just irritaited me, so I took her out, ‘cause that’s how I roll. Then I felt like some boiled eggs. Not my fault if she’s too dumb to wear oven mitts.
Clark: Yes it is, you made her that way!
Brainiac: Eh, petty details.
Clark: Wait, you can eat?
Brainiac: Yeah, kinda. Guy who built me loved Terminator II, so he ripped it off when making me.
Clark: How did Dax-Ur see Terminator II?
Brainiac: Whenever a Kryptonian would visit earth, they would bring back a bunch of movies and make a fortune pirating them. Except for ET. Wussiest non-human ever. *looks at Clark* Second wussiest.
Clark: *doesn’t get it* Poor ET. So how do you eat again?
Brainiac: I stick my liquid metal sword arm into whatever I want to eat or drink, and it just sucks all the nutrients and tasty stuff out of it. You should see sausages after I’m done with ‘em, man. They’re all shrivelled and tiny and gross, but so nice to eat.
Clark: I know exactly what you mean. Can you unbraindead Lana?
Brainiac: No.
Clark: Okay. Wanna go have some beers?
Brainiac: Only if they’re followed by sausages, mate.
Clark: Sounds excellent, my friend.

 

Clark: You made Lana’s eyes go cloudy!
Brainiac: Uh, yes. Notice anything else off about her?
Clark: She can write without looking down.
Brainiac: Yes, that too. But those are mere side effects of something larger I did.
Clark: Fell in love with her?
Brainiac: *shudders* Definetly not.
Clark: Well, I am kind of paranoid about that after Zod, Bizarro, Lex, Jason, Adam, me, and approximately half of Smallville.
Brainiac: Fair enough. But haven’t you noticed a lack of facial expressions, or a certain zombie-like charm?
Clark: *shrugs* No more than usual.
Brainiac: Come on, mollusc. Isn’t there anything different?
Clark: Well, she hasn’t been passive-aggressively bitching me out as much, and I haven’t had to rescue her for several whole hours.
Brainiac: Amazing.
Clark: So, you made her nicer and more capable?
Brainiac: Apparently.
Clark: Gee, thanks! It seems I misjudged you. Sorry about throwing you through a wall before. I thought you were evil.
Brainiac: Ah, that’s okay. And sorry about trying to bring Zod back a couple of years ago. I thought he wasn’t evil.
Clark: We all make mistakes.
Brainiac: Now, I have an idea on how to restore Krypton, and I need Kara’s help.
Clark: Whatever you need. I’ll just go tell her now. See you later!
*Clark zips off*
Brainiac: Well, that worked out even better than planned.

 

*Six weeks after Brainiac made Lana braindead*
Kara: Clark, do you think Lana’s acting a little weird?
Clark: Well, she’s giving us both the silent treatment, and she seems to be spending a lot of time boiling water.
*They walk past the kitchen, where Lana stands boiling the water, covered in a fine layer of mould*
Clark: You don’t think something’s wrong, do you?

 

Lois: It’s kinda hard to swim after you’ve been shot.
*Jimmy very obviously stares at her boobs and eventually looks back at the computer after she notices*

AA: *Watching at home* They. Left. That. In? THEY LEFT THAT IN?! I don’t care if they have to cut Micheal or Allison, I am so getting a bonus next season.

Lionel: Very resourceful. Did you two actually rent costumes from a costume shop and attempt to use them as disguises?
Lois: *proudly* Yep.
Lionel: Did the decrotive office plant come with them?
Jimmy: Unfortunetly no. Then we tried to get one from work, but we got caught as we were dragging it through advertising. So we had to get one from the nursery 15 blocks away and drag it all the way here.
Lois: And up six flights of stairs since someone is still afraid of elevators.
Jimmy: Well, it wouldn’t fit in there anyway…
Lois: Then we dropped the plant a few times on the staircase, and since it’s one of those spiral ones it just kept going.
Lionel: Really. How long did all of this take?
Lois: Oh, the whole day.
Lionel: Mm-hmmm. How much did it cost, I wonder.
Jimmy: Ummm, give me sec… If we split it, we basically just spent our paychecks.
Lois: But we don’t have to worry about that since we’re not getting any for two months. Lucky, huh?
Lionel: There’s always a bright side.
Lois: Damn right. Lex mistook the attempted plant borrowing as attempted plant stealing so he had to “punish,” us. We sure showed him!
Lionel: I’m glad my son chose a completely legal way to penalize you for your wrongdoing…
Jimmy: Perceived wrongdoing.
Lois: Percieved, attempted wrongdoing.
Lionel:…And I don’t imagine for a second he would simply be using the oppotunity to get free labour from you for two months and then find a reason to fire you anyway. Now, why did you ambush me again?
Lois: You know, I’m sure we had a good reason, but by now I really can’t remember.
Jimmy: Me neither. So, leaving, I guess.
Lionel: Farewell then. *dials mobile* I want you to send flowers to the Swann family, I imagine you saw the article on the front page.
Lois: Wait, that’s it! We came to get you to tell us all about how you ordered Patricia Swann dead! And we needed disguises because you wouldn’t take a press release with me if your life depended on it.
Lionel: What makes you think I’d respond better to an ambush?
Jimmy: This is your chance to tell the truth.
Lois: Before you’re put away for murder.

Lionel: Why would someone put me away for murder on no evidence?
Lois: A confession is evidence!
Lionel: Why would I confess?
Jimmy: This is your chance to tell the truth.
Lois: Before you’re put away for murder.
Lionel: *hiding glee* Did you rehearse this?
Jimmy: No. Definetly not. Never.
Lionel: Alright. Let us pretend for a moment I did order her death. I haven’t been convicted, as far as I know I’m not even a suspect. No sensible person would use this oppotunity to confess when otherwise they would stay out of jail.
Lois: What are you even talking about?
Lionel:…And you haven’t provided an explanation as to why I would respond to an ambush or why you couldn’t ambush me by walking right in like everybody else.
Jimmy: Well, we worked so hard on it…
Lionel: Puppy eyes and a trembling voice will not force a false confession out of me.
Lois: Oookay then. Uh, do you want a free plant?
Lionel: No. My security will lead you out now.
*Three security guards walk in, two lead the dynamic duo out as Lionel beckons one to stay behind for a minute*
Lionel: Before letting them out, say you have to search them. Find a reason to confiscate the hats and the plant receipt. And put a bug on one, I want to listen in on the confrontations with the shopkeepers.
Guard: Yes sir. Why didn’t you have us stop them on the way in, sir?
Lionel: Although I sadly didn’t get to take advantage of the one time your team noticed intruders – even if it was because they took 5 hours getting in with that plant – I didn’t want to miss the entertainments that come out of two riled-up, determined idiots who are obviously addicted to That’s So Raven.
Guard: Ah.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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