Wait, so what’s Cloverfield again?

February 3, 2008 at 10:51 pm (movies) (, )



This movie was shot rather like the Blair Witch Project, from a video camera one of the characters had on them. Unlike the Blair Witch Project, every second word was not “fuck,” and it probably did have a script, although from the sound of it, they did make some effort to make the dialogue sound realistic instead of clever. It worked, mostly, so good for them.


If you can’t tell from the trailers, it’s a movie about a monster destroying New York. Like, think of Godzilla. Then imagine that the protagonists of Godzilla didn’t get so involved with Godzilla and never stopped it. Give them a video camera, and you have Cloverfield.


The characters all act like douchebags at the start, except maybe Lily. Okay, kids, think about horror movies here. Before things go to shit, if everyone’s acting like a douche except one character, especially a girl character, it means that she will be the ********. This is more of an action than a horror, but still, it’s worth thinking about. The rest of the characters redeem themselves by turning out to be brave douchebags who are selfless and not at all douchebags in a crisis. Awww.


While I’m thinking of selflessness, I couldn’t help noticing how many aid workers there were there. The army was very brave too, but they kind of had to be there, to stop the monster. The aid workers certainly didn’t have to be, given that most of the people they were treating would end up dead anyway. But they were there, so kudos to you, you overtly selfless people.


There’s also a point where the characters all seem to go temporarily brain dead. One realised they could walk through they could walk through the subway tunnels right out of Manhattan. None of them wondered why the military wasn’t doing this if it was such a bright idea, but that’s forgivable. No, what’s really stupid is that all these rats were running away in the same direction as the group, and so they decided to run too to get away from whatever was chasing the rats, then when they started hearing weird animalistic noises behind them, they stopped altogether to wait and see what it was. Veeery dumb, and in fact led directly to one character’s death, when the rat chasing creatures bit her – they’d come free with the monster. It was such a pity. She was my favourite out of all of them, because she was the snarker. She looked almost exactly like the  Zooey Deschanel with shorter hair, but then before she succumbed to the poisonous bites  she’s looked more a zombie version of Zooey. Which was kind of cool. The cool quickly left when Zombie Zooey actually died, because she just swelled up and exploded. I know that they were trying to make this scarier than normal poisonous bites, but honestly, swell-and-explode deaths always seemed a little silly to me. Between that and being reminded of the fat chick’s “They’re tearing me apaaaart!” death in Slither, it was lucky I didn’t start giggling.


Trust JJ Abrams to make a monster movie and never tell us where the monster came from. Three seasons in and we’re still not even close to knowing what the monster is on LOST. I did figure out that the Cloverfield monster must have crawled out of the ocean and into Manhattan, because it was too big for it to have been hidden anywhere in Manhattan, and if it came down in a meteor then that first strike would have been a lot bigger than it was. And my friend’s cousin noticed something about a oil tanker capsizing at the start. But you know what? I actually found out where the monster came from, what its motivation for destroying a city was, where the monster’s little friends that killed Zombie Zooey came from, the whole deal. And I’m about to tell y’all.


The monster was actually a baby, had been underwater for thousands of years, and when it came out, it was frightened and disoriented and wanted it’s mother. So it lashed out, and the city went down.

As a super bonus to the very small amount of people who read this blog, I’ll even share my super-secret, exclusive source with you.



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