A very…interesting… theory about Jericho

February 26, 2008 at 12:29 pm (tv misc) (, , , )

Ooookay.  I found this hilariously ridiculous theory about Jericho. I’ve heard hilariously ridiculous theories before, but usually they’re  just sarcastic. This one was completely serious. You know what? It’s taking the title of the Most Hilariously Ridiculous Jericho Theory I Have Ever Heard. Be honoured, new theory. Be honoured.
In a response to someone else, the theorist decided that they didn’t understand the “j/h light thing.” The reason for this is that Heather is “homely.” Yeah, Homely=Dark doesn’t make sense to me either. But it does to our theorist, so lets move on. Okay, the comment about Heather being homely is one that has been posted many times, each time by, of course, our theorist. Believe it or not, it does have some sort of explanation. He thinks she’s homely because in Reconstruction, she ate the burger like she’s never eaten before. Which doesn’t really make sense either… But never mind! Moving on, because this is where the new Most Hilariously Ridiculous Jericho Theory I Have Ever Heard champion comes in. Seriously folks, I read it and was on my bed muffling my laughter in a pillow for literally ten minutes.
Now, millions of people saw Heather eat that burger like she’d never eaten before, and from what I’ve seen, what almost everyone got out of it was that she hadn’t had half-decent food in a while. We’ve heard how bad things are outside Jericho, after all. But without further ado, our theorist took it to mean that Heather is a bulimic and will toss said burger up later. Excuse me, I have to go laugh into the pillow again just writing that down.
I doubt there is a person here who will understand why this is conclusive evidence of bulimia, or why it is a better theory than “Heather’s been away and hasn’t had any good food for ages.” However, we don’t posess the brilliant detective mind of our theorist. I mean, this is the guy who uncovered the secret that Heather is a spy for New Bern! If we can’t trust him, who can we trust?
You know, it occured to me that many of you may want to hear his brilliant deduction first-hand. So I took the liberty of copying and pasting it over here. Educate yourselves upon these wise words:
I just don’t get this j/h light thing….that is about the dumbest thing they could come up with…..I mean what light….she looks homely in the ep that she was in….ate the burger like she has never eaten before….like she’s one of those chicks that eats and throws up later kinda chick….geez what do we have her Little Miss Fixit is a wreck and for sure a spy for new bern……
Oh my god. I just realised something. You know who else eats like they’ve never eaten before? Small children and teenage boys. It’s an international conspiracy of eating disorders. Thank god our heroic theorist exposed it to us. You know what, people? We should start another campaign, for him to get a medal. How else would we know of the secret plight that 90% of small children and teenage boys suffer through?
Folks, I hope this was as fun to read as it was to write. May we all pray that our theorist will keep churning out new theories for me to make fun of.

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Jericho review – 2×01 Reconstruction

February 25, 2008 at 2:04 pm (Uncategorized) (, , )

 Sorry it’s so late. My computer broke down. Comments are always appreciated.

 The recap at the start was kind of lame, but whatever. You know what would have been cool? If he’d just been talking the whole time about all the girls he’d been getting, with the clips to back him up. Shot of him and Heather flirting, then him and Apocalypse Barbie flirting, then him and Maggie flirting. Then hugs, or more flirting for Maggie. More flirty flirty, then come the kisses. Then he can claim that the next footage is not appropriate for CBS. At this point the screen will go black and we will just hear Addison of Grey’s Anatomy Private Practice fame saying “Man whore.” Oh, what? You want me to review the real Jericho, and not the fantasy man whore version? Oh alright, if you insist, just go ahead and ruin my fun. 

‘Kay, so Constantino and Jake got dragged into the principal’s office for having a scrap. Jake tried to go again right in front of everybody, whereas Constantino chose the smarter, sneakier method of lying that Jake started it and he had no choice. Jesus, Jake, use your head a little. However, Principal Beck declares that their fight is over and done with.

 

Jake being dumb seemed to be a theme this episode, what with the sloppy Constantino murder plot. However, Hawkins abstained from said plot, because Hawkins is smart and knows how to kill people and not get caught. So does Dale, come to think of it. Maybe he should have tried to kill Constantino.

 

Jake and Apron: Ewwww. Their first scene was nauseous, their second one was terrible, but at least it was amusing. Snoozebutton tried to bake a cake for Gail. Apparently not the simple kind of cake that kids can make with their mums, because she indicated that loud noises or vibrations would ruin it. Her and Jake then established that she has only ever baked anything once in her life, so long ago that she had actually been a kid at the time, and it caused a fire. Jesus Christ, and she’s trying to cook a complicated recipe? That cake must suck. More likely to burn the house down or give Gail food poisoning than actually taste good. There were a lot of stupid decisions in this episode, but The Drapery takes the biscuit. You thought I was going to say cake, didn’t you? Dream on.

 

I’m going to enjoy writing this bit: Heather is back in Jericho! It was sweeeet. She had a big reunion hug with Jake. He just grabbed her tightly and she laughed but it kinda turned into a sob at the end. Can I give her a hug too? And then she noticed at this guy who’d tried to shoot up the place and been stopped [by our interprid hero Jake] and arrested. From the look she gave him, and the look he gave her back, it’s obvious that she knows him, he doesn’t like her, and she’s kinda scared of him. In her second scene, we found out why.

 

She was sitting at a table at Bailey’s with Mary, just having a burger, and then Major Beck, who is the head of the military presence in J-Town, comes in and asks to talk to her. He implies slightly that he wants Mary to leave, and there’s a little moment I love where Mary looks at Heather like “Are you okay talking to him alone, or do you want me to stay here?” And Heather shrugs all like “I’m uncomfortable with it, but I guess you should go.” Awwww. Can we have them as BFFs instead of Bimbo and Heather? So. Moving on. Beck, who had noticed the look between her and the gunman, asks how she knows him, and she explains that Constantino ordered her to be taken out of town and executed, but the deputy assigned to do so refused to take those kind of orders. Okay, folks, anyone with half a brain who watched Casus Beli and Why We Fight can infer that he let her go instead and pretended he’d killed her. I’ve seen someone saying that she hadn’t explained how she got away from New Bern, but this isn’t rocket science. It’s not very hard. And good for that nameless deputy, BTW. Hope he wasn’t found out or anything. Who knows, maybe he’ll turn up in Jericho someday.

 

Oookay. Now, how does she actually know the shooter? Well, not all the deputies were as brave and righteous as the one she got, and Shooter was “one of the worst.” I swear to god, the way that line was delivered gave me a shiver. I got a sick feeling that he has done truly horrific things, and that Heather has been forced to watch some of them, or quite possibly subjected to some. Which is a really scary thought. That line delivery was awesome, though. This may be Sprague’s finest episode, in fact, as she was awesome in her scenes. There was so much emotion in every line and facial expression. Yay for Sprague!

 

Right. Moving on. So, then Beck wants to know if she thinks Shooter should die for what he did, and she says “I think there’s been enough dying around here lately.” This is a clear contrast with Jake and Eric, that they all have a lot of bad blood with a horrible and vicious person. Jake and Eric want to kill Constantino for revenge, which is understandable if morally wrong and bad for Jericho in the long term. However, Heather is more passive, and she would rather have peace than vengeful bloodshed. Which in turn proves that although her experience in New Bern may have changed her, she’s still undoubtedly Heather at her core.

 

Presumably Beck asked that last question to see if she’s a vengeful person, because vengeful people suck at being liasons. That’s what he’s here for, to ask her to be a liason between New Bern and Jericho. She’s not so enthusiastic about working with the military, because she was just in a place where similar people made life hell. Beck just says that he’d thought she would be able to tell the difference between him and Constantino. Backed into a corner,  the closing shot of Heather’s face indicates that she will take the job, but isn’t happy about it. On the upside, this means that she may be able to get certain people out of New Bern, ones who would be in danger there. Such as Ted or the nameless deputy who let her escape, or maybe even Russell.

 

Major Beck had a lot of characterization in that scene. In the scenes with Jake, he appears as a harsh but well-meaning man who truly wants to help get Jericho back on its feet. In this scene, he carefully manipulates Heather into taking a job where she will have to have extensive contact with New Bern, even though he knows she recently went through something quite traumatic there. It’s true that a liason between the two towns is needed, and apart from the unpleasent memories Heather is a good choice. But it’s not like there wouldn’t be a single other person in town who doesn’t have the whole vendetta thing going on. So he’s willing to use manipulation to do bad things to completely innocent individuals to improve the big picture. It’s a pity him and Hawkins are on opposite sides, they would be great mates.

 

Sorry I blathered on so much about that single scene. But it’s my favourite from that episode, ‘cause Heather’s back, Mary’s being cool, Sprague was motherfucking awesome, and there’s just so many subtle little bits of characterization going on there beneath the surface.

 

Okay, there’s another organization in town, a non-military one. They do stuff like getting the schools working again [‘cause God knows Peroxide Girl couldn’t] helping at the hospital, and repairing the economy.

 

Stimi were adorable, though Stanley, like Jake, was majorly dumb. It was like, seriously man, your girlfriend used to work for the IRS. If your offered a contract to settle your debts to the government, have her look at it before you sign it. But Mimi, because she is awesome, made it all better anyway. Turns out the contract was illegal. Oh, and she got herself a job, too. But most importantly, Mimi proposed! And Stanley said yes, but it was all awkward and she thought he was doing it out of pity! But then he told her he’d been planning to ask her anyway and then he did ask her and everything was better! And Bonnie was missing, which was really annoying! But still, Stimi = Adorable! I am so worried that someone is going to get killed.

 

The one thing I didn’t like this episode was the amount of Beck n’ Jake scenes that amounted to “No! Bad Jake! You do not try to kill Constantino. Bad!” Beck seems cool, and Jake is cool, but we did not need all of those scenes.

 Okay, if I had to rate this episode? B+. Shiny, but not very shiny. There are a lot of times that the first episode of the season, on any given show, will kick ass. But even more common is the first episode of the season sucking ass. So comparing it to other shows, I think Jericho did pretty well.

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The Mist: Surprisingly high quality.

February 12, 2008 at 1:20 pm (movies) (, , )

The Mist is actually a good horror film. I know, I know,  such a rare achievment for the US in the 21st century. It’s nothing like that movie “The Fog” that came out a couple of years ago, if anyone’s [quite reasonably] worried about that. Me and my friend kept comparing it to Lord Of The Flies. Well, she would say “It’s like Lord Of The Flies, with adults,” and I would say “And religion, and a supermarket, and… mist.” Then she would be like, “Oh, ya think?” But yeah, there was a Lord Of The Flies vibe in that it was more about how people reacted to the mist than the mist itself, and for most people the reaction was kind of “Go wild and lose rational thought.”  It was an interesting process to watch.
 
The monsters in the mist were a pretty mixed group. The great big flying creatures [dinos?] were cool, and the spiders were awesome. The bit where they find the webs, then the people, then the spiders was IMO the best part in the whole movie. I actually yelped “SPIDER ZOMBIES!” in delight. Sorry, everyone else in the theatre. Back to the monsters, the shots of the bugs covering the store window were great, but once they’d actually gotten inside they weren’t so menacing. The skin-ripping tentacles were fun, but it’s hard to take them seriously. “There’s an octopus in the mist!” Whatever.
 
The directing was nice. The mist was very creepy, as mentioned there were some fantastic shots of the bugs on the store window, I especially loved the bloody handprint on the door, and the scene in the pharmacy was very very very creepy.

I wish there hadn’t been such a huge and obvious divide between our heroes, who were indeed awesome, and the folks listening to Mrs Normandy. I mean, they should have had a few people in the middle, or shown people slowly being converted to Mrs Normandy’s POV. Like if someone stated that they did believe in God, and maybe it was Judgement Day or something, but they didn’t see how killing people and acting like they were a part of the Salem Witch Trials would help.  And I also wish someone had spoken up against her more, given that so much of what she was saying didn’t make sense or was irrational. You know, like, “If these creatures are from another dimension, and God sent them, doesn’t that mean they’re from heaven? Isn’t heaven supposed to be all nice, not full of judgement day creatures?” Or, “Does the bible say anything about skin-ripping tentacles or flying dinos or giant spiders that make people into their spider zombies?” Or “If you’re such a lovely servant of God, why are you calling people b*tches? What happened to love thy neighbour?” Or you know, if they actually had taped her mouth shut like that little awesome balding guy suggested.

Seriously, the heroes were pretty cool. The main guy was a little too Jack-Shepherd alpha-male-leader-dude for me, though he wasn’t an a**hole or anything. But the rest were great. The guy who I liked the best was short, middle-aged, balding and wore glasses, and basically looked nothing like a hero. But he was brave, he was intensely rational which is quite rare among big brave heroes, he did what he had to but didn’t enjoy it or make it into a soap opera, when the mist first came up he quietly went about taking care of everyone but not making any fanfare about it, but he was a little bada** when he had to be.  Actually, pretty much all the heroes were bada**, the girls just as much as the guys, the old people just as much as the young and pretty. It was awesome seeing the little old lady flame a giant spider. The variety was great to see.

The one thing that really p*ssed me off was the ending. They were all so bloody stupid. It was presented as the only option, but it wasn’t. There was still a fair chance that they could be rescued if they’d just waited in the car. It had been what, three days? Four? Barring monster attack, which was likely but not certain, they would have had at least another couple of days before even one person died. Which means there was a decent chance the military would come or the mist would clear. Or they could have tried to find another car, or a house. But nope, they just decided that there was no way they weren’t going to die. Then there’s the fact that they should have already been looking for another car as they got lower on gas. They just needed to find one with a corpse in it, ’cause that one would have the keys in it too. Break in if it’s locked, shove the corpse out [sorry, random dead dude] and bingo, new transportation. Instead they were all overwhelmed with a wave of blinding stupidity. Blah.

My friend looked the book up, and apparently that had a way different ending. Which I won’t spoil, but I feel that ending wouldn’t work in a movie. So I can see why they changed it, I just wish they had changed it to something better. The end does drag it down, but overall this still gets a solid recommendation.

7.5 out of 10.

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Wait, so what’s Cloverfield again?

February 3, 2008 at 10:51 pm (movies) (, )

Review.

 

This movie was shot rather like the Blair Witch Project, from a video camera one of the characters had on them. Unlike the Blair Witch Project, every second word was not “fuck,” and it probably did have a script, although from the sound of it, they did make some effort to make the dialogue sound realistic instead of clever. It worked, mostly, so good for them.

 

If you can’t tell from the trailers, it’s a movie about a monster destroying New York. Like, think of Godzilla. Then imagine that the protagonists of Godzilla didn’t get so involved with Godzilla and never stopped it. Give them a video camera, and you have Cloverfield.

 

The characters all act like douchebags at the start, except maybe Lily. Okay, kids, think about horror movies here. Before things go to shit, if everyone’s acting like a douche except one character, especially a girl character, it means that she will be the ********. This is more of an action than a horror, but still, it’s worth thinking about. The rest of the characters redeem themselves by turning out to be brave douchebags who are selfless and not at all douchebags in a crisis. Awww.

 

While I’m thinking of selflessness, I couldn’t help noticing how many aid workers there were there. The army was very brave too, but they kind of had to be there, to stop the monster. The aid workers certainly didn’t have to be, given that most of the people they were treating would end up dead anyway. But they were there, so kudos to you, you overtly selfless people.

 

There’s also a point where the characters all seem to go temporarily brain dead. One realised they could walk through they could walk through the subway tunnels right out of Manhattan. None of them wondered why the military wasn’t doing this if it was such a bright idea, but that’s forgivable. No, what’s really stupid is that all these rats were running away in the same direction as the group, and so they decided to run too to get away from whatever was chasing the rats, then when they started hearing weird animalistic noises behind them, they stopped altogether to wait and see what it was. Veeery dumb, and in fact led directly to one character’s death, when the rat chasing creatures bit her – they’d come free with the monster. It was such a pity. She was my favourite out of all of them, because she was the snarker. She looked almost exactly like the  Zooey Deschanel with shorter hair, but then before she succumbed to the poisonous bites  she’s looked more a zombie version of Zooey. Which was kind of cool. The cool quickly left when Zombie Zooey actually died, because she just swelled up and exploded. I know that they were trying to make this scarier than normal poisonous bites, but honestly, swell-and-explode deaths always seemed a little silly to me. Between that and being reminded of the fat chick’s “They’re tearing me apaaaart!” death in Slither, it was lucky I didn’t start giggling.

 

Trust JJ Abrams to make a monster movie and never tell us where the monster came from. Three seasons in and we’re still not even close to knowing what the monster is on LOST. I did figure out that the Cloverfield monster must have crawled out of the ocean and into Manhattan, because it was too big for it to have been hidden anywhere in Manhattan, and if it came down in a meteor then that first strike would have been a lot bigger than it was. And my friend’s cousin noticed something about a oil tanker capsizing at the start. But you know what? I actually found out where the monster came from, what its motivation for destroying a city was, where the monster’s little friends that killed Zombie Zooey came from, the whole deal. And I’m about to tell y’all.

 

The monster was actually a baby, had been underwater for thousands of years, and when it came out, it was frightened and disoriented and wanted it’s mother. So it lashed out, and the city went down.

As a super bonus to the very small amount of people who read this blog, I’ll even share my super-secret, exclusive source with you.

Wikipedia.

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