Seriously. Just look at it. I had to check three movie websites before I could be convinced it was neither an intentionally so-bad-it’s-funny movie nor a joke trailer. I mean, it’s presented by Uplifting Entertainment, for God’s sake! Oh, right, better not use the Lord’s name in vain. It’s presented by Uplifting Entertainment, for fuck’s sake!
But it is a real movie, it isn’t supposed to be bad or funny at all, and it really is presented by this “Uplifting Entertainment.” Okay, let’s break it down.
1. How awful is the acting? My favourite part is when she blankly stares straight into the camera and says “It’s… Him.” Dear Unnamed Deity, could someone teach this girl how to deliver her lines with something resembling proper emotion? She sounds like she’s reading them straight off a card.
2. The plot. So there’s this girl, and she loves dancing, and then she gets cancer, and then she’s been chosen by God and can make people get visions of Jesus, and she uses this to start converting everyone, and then this pisses off the devil, and so he comes after her, and it turns into a horror movie, and her dad fistfights Satan on the lawn, and then she fights Satan off herself with The Power Of Ballet. And then, hopefully, dies.
See, I just can’t see how this got any sort of backing. If director/producer/writer/actor Greg Robbins had come to me looking for any help on this idea, I would have either thought he was high as a kite, or started backing away from the crazy man.
3. The captions. Okay, to get them all together: A GENTLE ART… FROM A GENTLE SOUL… WILL CHANGE HEARTS… WITH A SINGLE TOUCH… WILL FACE EVIL.
Not only is it sappy and cliche-ridden, it doesn’t even make sense. That they couldn’t even make the freaking captions in the trailer make sense is a simple, stupid mistake I haven’t seen on that scale onscreen since I watched “Manos” The Hands Of Fate, wherein they forgot the opening credits to the movie.
4. The direction. You know what the way this movie is shot resembles? It looks like a crappy student film. I saw a lot of student films a couple of weeks ago, and this honestly was just the sort of direction the bad ones had.
I am just dying to see this. There are films that are so-bad-it’s-good, and then, once in a great while, there are films that are so-bad-it’s-fucking-legendary. This looks like it might be one of the rare cases of the latter.
Here’s the movie’s website, for anyone interested. This was my favourite part, from the synopsis page.
“Marketing Note: This movie is a chick flick with a manifested menacing devil. This will attract a wide demo of men and women.”
Riiiight. Sure it will. And also, what the fuck? Weirdest marketing note ever.
So, what did y’all think of the trailer? Did it blow your mind, with it’s amazing ability to suck beyond belief?
They’ve taken it down now, though. Anyway, I’m sort of glad to say that now I’m officially not interested. I’d slowly gotten my hopes up that it might be good, and now at least the ambiguity is over.
Shauna Mac and Natalie Mendoza will probably turn in some really good performances again, and I do like that they’re apparently keeping up the idea that Sarah might have imagined the crawlers. In fact, I would even say her part of the story pre-crawlers actually looks decent. Apart from that, this appears to be a shallow splatter flick. Once the film kicks into gear, we might get a some nice directing, but I seriously doubt we’ll get good writing. Just a feeling.
If it surprises me big time and gets quite good reviews, and recommendations from fellow fans of the first movie, I’ll go see it. However, if it holds to the bad-to-mediocre impression I’ve gotten from spoilers, promotional pictures and that trailer, no fucking way. Especially not since it changes canon by bringing two original characters back.
I’ll post the trailer once it appears they’ve stopped feverently deleting them all from Youtube.
If you can’t tell from the title, this particular Smallville parody is going to be a strange one. Not as strange as the one where Clark mourns his lost love Lex Luthor in a rewritten version of Sarah Silverman’s awesome “I’m Fucking Matt Damon,” song, because there honestly isn’t much in the way of “Smallville parodies,” that could beat that for weirdness unless I started snorting crack before writing these. Although it might surprise some people to learn that I wasn’t already.
So, previously on Smallville. Lana made a lot of rodent-like faces and stole the nuts off all her boyfriends, earning her the nickname “Squirrel.” She also wore a lot of pink. Clark and Lana moped about how they were so in love. Lana disappeared. Lex disappeared. Lois fell in love with Clark. Lana reappeared. Lex reappeared. Lana got a skin treatment that gave her superstrength, superspeed, and invunerability like Clark. Clark and Lana kissed. Clark and Lana had bed-breaking superstrength sex. The world gagged. Lana absorbed a bigass Kryptonite bomb made by Lex, in his big grand scheme to make Clark break up with his girlfriend. Yeah, keep dreaming big, Lex. Anyway, Clark decides that this is reason enough to murder Lex, and Lana has to talk him out of it. Lex dies anyway. They go back to the farm, Clark makes himself kiss her one more time, gets to experience the same amount pain from being around Lana that the audience feels, and she leaves. I rejoice and celebrate with a weird parody.
One week after Requiem.
Clark: *dials phone* Hi Lois, it’s me. Would you like to come over and try something? It’s a little kinky.
Lois: You know I’m always open to new… experiences.
Lois: So you’re the superpowered alien pretending to be a Kansas farmboy…
Lois: …And I’m Nutsy The Squirrel.
Clark: But not just any squirrel. Nutsy is the kindest, purest, most beautiful squirrel to ever live!
Lois: Riiight. If I’m a rodent in a tree, do I really have to wear all this pink?
Clark: Yes! The pink is essential!
Lois: Alright, but this better be some really hot roleplaying, Kent.
Clark: Trust me, it will be. Could we start?
Lois: *monotone* Oh Alien Farmboy, I’ve just realised you’ve been lying to me again. This makes me angry and confused.
Clark: And angsty. Don’t forget that, angst is the most important part of this roleplay.
Lois: Why are they angsting that they love each other so much?
Clark: Because they are. Please, would you just trust me? Don’t forget to whisper and tear up.
Clark: Alien Farmboy!
Lois:…Alien Farmboy, is crying during sex really such a turn-on for you?
Clark: Sex? Don’t be ridiculous, Nutsy the Squirrel and Alien Farmboy aren’t going to have sex.
Clark: They can’t.
Clark: He would crush her with his superstrength, duh.
Lois: Hmm. So if they don’t go as far as sex, they’ll be okay.
Clark: *earnest* Yep. They can still kiss, when his Secrets! and Lies! aren’t getting in the way.
Lois: Well we have to go further than that. I suppose we could kiss somewhere other than the mouth.
Lois: Or even sex would probably be okay so long as it wasn’t in the missionary position.
Clark: There are other positions?
Lois: God, do you have a lot to learn. Tell you what, how about we get on with the roleplay, Alien Farmboy, and I’ll show you?
Jimmy answers a knock on he door.
Clark: I-is C-Chloe here? I need to t-t-talk to her.
Chloe: Clark, wha- oh no.
Chloe: That’s the “Unexperienced guy who slept with Lois” look. Very stunned, very scared, and all innocence lost. You just sit him down on the couch, I’ll go see if there’s any morning-after-Lois whisky left.
A friend of mine does some drawing, and I came up with an idea for a Twilight spoof. I’ve done a couple in writing only, but this wouldn’t work unless it was a visual gag, and in any case if I drew it, they would be stick figures. Crappy stick figures at that, it’s still hard to draw those things if they’re doing anything but standing up.
So Luca, who can draw people who aren’t stick figures doing things that aren’t standing up, is making a comic out of it. Which you can see the first part of here.
Saw V came out last month. I haven’t seen it and I don’t want to. Actually, this post is on why I dislike the franchise.
Major spoilers for the first movie and minor ones for the second ahead.
The Twilight movie is coming out in a couple of days for you Americans, so I guess it’s time to do another post. To celebrate, or whatever. I’ve been taking a look at what director Catherine Hardwicke has been saying about the budget. Basically, she’s been doing more than her fair share of whinging about how low it is. Anyway, I figured it would be an interesting little exercise to see if she was right, and might help with budgetary issues when I have to make short films for Media next year. Yaaaaaay, education!
The choice of TV and movies in Australia sucks hard. For a start, most programs and movies start airing here long after they have in the States. More importantly, quite a bit of stuff just doesn’t get released here, period. That “limited release,” thing? Either I’m going to the wrong cinemas, or we just don’t have that here. So practically everything you get in limited release doesn’t arrive Down Under at all.
Hmm, to describe this movie. A tropical island is full of giant spiders running amok. And they’re actually from outer space. Yes, it’s that kind of movie, and it sounds awesomely funny.
So, here’s what I thought of/during the final Twilight trailer, which is the movie of the hugely-popular-amongst-teenage-girls book series that intrests me through an odd mixture of so-bad-it’s-good and bile fascination. I do genuinely like several of the secondary characters, but then, my standards for liking a character are pretty damn low. If you want to know what it’s about, watch the trailer, it gives a pretty good idea. It doesn’t mention that her new vampire boyfriend sparkles, though, or that before they were together he was stalking her, or that due to her weirdly floral smelling blood, every second he was near her he was desperately tempted to eat her making his stalking even worse, or that when he kisses her she faints or that the other time he kissed her, her heart literally skipped a beat. No joke. Anyway, here we go.